Have you ever held out for love?

Have you ever stayed in a relationship with someone who wasn’t in love with you hoping that they just needed more time? Not everyone falls in love at the same pace and in the same way. But at what point do you exit, concluding that this person will never love you in the way that you need or desire?

(Disclosure: I read this on Facebook and thought it would be a great discussion to have here)

9 thoughts on “Have you ever held out for love?

  1. Solstice says:

    [I can’t answer your exact question, because that’s never happened to me. But I’ve done the opposite – stayed in a relationship hoping that I would change my mind and decide that I could spend the rest of my life with that person. I didn’t end up changing my mind, and I should’ve ended things sooner.

    I guess if I was in the situation that you posed, I’d stay in it for awhile as long as my basic needs were being met and I wasn’t unhappy. It would depend on how my partner acted towards me. If he said he couldn’t picture spending the rest of his life with me, or didn’t love me, yet still cared about me and was treating me well, then I feel like I’d probably stay in it for a few months longer to see if he would eventually develop those deeper feelings. The more I cared for him, the longer I’d probably stay. If he wasn’t treating me well and seemed distant, then I’d like to think that I would not stay with him for much longer.

  2. Shelly says:

    [No, but my experiences are rather limited. Assuming I was in a relationship like that, I’d give it some time but I don’t know how long. As long as I was happy and was optimistic that he might fall in love with me at some point, I would probably wait for a while. However, I’d lose patience if it didn’t progress to that and would have to leave it. It’s too hypothetical (and unique to each relationship) to know if that time period is 6 months, a year, etc., though.

  3. EricaSwagger says:

    [Seeing all my friends getting engaged, married, buying houses, settling down, etc… makes me feel like it’s about that time in life. I’ve found the guy I could see cooking meals with, cleaning the house with, teaming up with, waking up to every morning. I’m financially and mentally ready for “real life.”

    My boyfriend isn’t. He’s still “figuring it out” I guess. Can’t decide if he wants to take a job or go to grad school. Can’t tell me for sure where he wants to be living in 5 years. Can’t tell me if he plans to marry me someday, because he just doesn’t know where he’ll be. Won’t even buy a couch, that’s how up in the air and indecisive he is.

    So needless to say we’re not yet on the same page when it comes to life. I know this is kind of a stretch from the question, but it still fits. How long do I wait for him to finally make a choice. How long do I want to wait to see if he eventually decides he wants to marry me?

    In the meantime, I could be dating around. Maybe I’d find someone who is on the same page. Maybe I’d find someone who could at least tell me for sure either way. Anyway the point is. I’m not dating around. I’m waiting around. It’s the choice I’ve made for the time being. Being with him is worth it for now. My 24th birthday is coming up and I think I can say that by the time my 25th comes around, if I’m not engaged, I’ll be single. There’s just not enough time to wait forever.

  4. resullins says:

    [Oddly enough, no. I have, however been the one that was being waited ON.

    After I got out of my last relationship (with a man that stole my cats) I found the oh-so-cliche rebound man. He fell madly in love, even though we had gotten into the relationship knowing I was moving across the country after like 6 months.

    He tried to stick it out, make it work, get me to fall in love and stay with him. It killed me to leave him, but I did.

    No one deserves to be in that position.

  5. lilredbmw says:

    [I’ve waited. Not for too long, but I have waited. By waiting, I have learned that this is usually and indicator that you two won’t last. That’s been my experience, at least. I know that not everyone falls in love at the exact same time. And sometimes it takes a little while for you two to be “on the same page.” But if I were to be single again, I wouldn’t wait for months like I had in the past. Life is too short to be with someone who isn’t as in to you as you are in to them.

    I have learned to exit when a person can’t or won’t make up their mind about me. Whats is there to think about? You want to be with me or you don’t. I feel that indecisiveness is really just a person suppressing what they know is true in their heart of hearts. Which is generally, “I like you a LOT, but I don’t love you…and I don’t know if I ever will.”

  6. Happy Pants says:

    [If you’re in a situation where one person is in love, and the other isn’t, isn’t that a bad situation? Isn’t that the point at which someone should either cut their losses or cut the other one loose? This kind of thing I can see happening with an arranged marriage, or two people settling, saying, “I’m ready to get married, I’ll learn to love the other person.” But with your “average” relationship? Sure, there are going to be slight discrepancies in how much the people care for each other (although ideally there wouldn’t be), but if you’re at the point where someone is waiting around for the other person to fall in love with them… it’s like casually sleeping with someone, hoping they’ll give in to a real relationship.

    Or maybe that’s just because I’ve waited before, and realized how nave I was being. Nowadays, if I got to a point where it was clear I loved him and he didn’t love me, or vice versa, I like to think I’d call it off as quickly as possible.

  7. Heather says:

    [I haven’t stayed in a relationship where the person didn’t love me – atleast not that I know of. I was married for 10 years, and my X left me for his mistress. I had an idea he was cheating, but he always denied it. I’d rather someone be honest and let me go so I can be single then to keep me around and deceive me. Honesty is the best policy, and I’d rather cry and get over a guy then move on. I don’t want to get stuck in a rut.

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