I [20/M] have been in love with a girl [20/F] for almost 4 years now. Initially it started off as a crush and then when I expressed to her my feelings, I was disappointed as she had a boyfriend back then.
Trust me, I being the perfect unconditional lover boy kept on caring for her as she underwent a stormy and tormenting love affair. It continued for 1 whole year. Late night calls, her crying, me consoling. Her telling me she loves me and then going back to her ex the very next day. I persevered, because according to me, I was the perfect guy she will finally come to. Amidst depression and waiting for her to realize I am the better man, out of sheer frustration and amateur desires, I had a few flirtatious conversations with another fellow girl even though I did not love her. I sinned. Quite naturally, she came to know about it gradually. And I literally begged for her forgiveness after this dark episode. Even though she was nowhere around to convince me she had feelings for me back then, or she had affinity towards me, she made me feel guilty about the whole fact.
Somehow, it felt like she was possessive about me. But eventually had forgiven me because she knew I loved her. Finally, after months of her breakup and makeup, and moving on phase with her ex, she finally said she was considering me, made love to me and what not – making love, going out, all forms of intimacy possible..making me feel like that I finally have her..making me feel that ‘yes I have a girlfriend’.
BUT!!! Then one day she abruptly asked me to stop calling he,r saying she was unable to move on from her past. I stopped honorably, even though it started killing me from the inside, as I was deeply involved with her.
After weeks of no contact, no calls, she called me up (like a bolt out of blue), being all caring and loving. Quite naturally, like a complete fool. I fell for her again and then when I proposed to her, she again texted me the same day, saying she is thinking of going back to her ex and I should forget her.
Out of fury and frustration I tell her that we need to stop talking forever and stop being friends, because according to everyone, I thought I was being treated as a rebound and I left her. Here is where the story should have ended. But no!!!!
She quips that she had forgiven me when I flirted with another girl, and blames me for being a merciless bastard as I disproved myself of being an unconditional lover I said I would be, and hurt her by phasing her out. Remember guys, this is the girl I have loved consistently for years now and she even blames me for sharing my pains with her friends, saying she could have shared and besmirched my name when I had a flirting episode with another girl. She pinpoints the few mistakes I did, nullifying every genuine thing I did for her. Like in every way I can’t describe. I still love her. I chose to hold on to the good things she had.
She leaves me, saying I was a worse lesson than her ex as I had waited for her for so long and then left her ‘when she needed me the most’. This is how my life has turned into a tragic saga. I am highly depressed. I can’t forget her. Please help me.
Should I ask for forgiveness and call her back into my life? Like, was I the only person at fault? Should I have said to her that ‘Yes, you go and get hurt by your ex again and again…I will be waiting here for you.” Should I have not shared my pains with our common friends? What should I do? I cant sleep! I am in love but I don’t have her in my life anymore!