“I’m convinced I’m an abomination”

I am honestly convinced I’m an abomination. Let’s call this a rock and a hard place situation, if you’re familiar with that metaphor. I am part of two things people tend to hate. One is a belief/philosophy, the other is my state of being.

The belief/philosophy and the state of being are each on separate ends of the political spectrum, and the side that supports one is at the throat of the other one. Leaving me to be stared at by both, when really all I want to do is reconcile the two, take the sane sides of both and combine them. Not so I could be accepted – I don’t have the audacity to live for my own personal pleasure anymore – but for the common good. I always knew I would be the founder of the sect of the belief that accepts that states of being, but I know this will be a tough road. I know it is my destiny to do this, for without it I have no reason to exist, the freak I am, and I would much rather pierce my heart than give up on something I truly believe is right. But goodness, it feels like I’m the only one. I highly doubt there’s anyone like me who holds the same worldview, and if there is they’re likely closetted. I always feel lonely, even though I have friends I see enough to talk to regularly. Because when you get down to it, I am alone, and can’t completely relate to the majority of other humans. And even most of them deep down think I’m a freak. I just know it.

The reason I’m not specifying the worldview and state of being, is because if I told you, you’d laugh at me too. You may think you wouldn’t be so ignorant or cruel to do so, but you would. You’d laugh at me, you’d ridicule me, and you’d cast me out. And I wouldn’t blame you, I shouldn’t even exist. It wouldn’t bother me if I just had someone who understood. I know I have to keep it together somehow, because if no one else, I have to do it. My ideology stresses self improvement and perseverance. I know how to seek self betterment, but I don’t know how to settle down and stop expecting myself to make endless progress like a robot. I know it requires taking care of yourself so you can be in shape to take care of others, but I hate myself so much and I’m exhausted.

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