We’re married for a year now and six years together in total. The thing is she’s a bit overweight in relative to “norm” and she’s aware of it and feeling bad about it, meaning we BOTH know she feels insecure about her looks. Nevertheless, she thinks I’m also in that group of not liking how she looks and it’s completely untrue!
I know I don’t have to convince you, but it’s completely true, I love her extra weight and it’s very sexy to me. I always tell her how sexy she is and frequently grab her randomly around the house and touch her, I compliment her all the time and am proud of her and talk about her at any opportunity. I have dated girls in the past that are not the same “typecast” as her and more the kind that most would agree about their good looks so it makes her insecure, but how is it reflecting on our relationship? It has been six years, it’s not like we just started dating and she feels the competition or whatever. She actually was pretty much the same weight when we first met but she tells me I never thought she looked as good as other women.
We are bonded like crazy on the intellectual and mental levels and she knows it and has no problem of insecurity in that field. It’s only the physical aspect. She’s working her way to lose weight and deal with it on her own level, but I don’t want her to think I like her looks only when she’s skinnier, it would miss the point completely. It’s gotten very tedious and it’s about the only thing we are fighting about, other than that it’s a normal happy marriage.
I just want to clarify that I have told her anything I’m telling here, we talk about it A LOT but nothing seems to help. She doesn’t do it for the attention, I know she’s authentically thinking this way even though I have no idea why or what am I doing wrong.
To make it into questions:
1. What can I do to make her understand that it’s actually HER insecurity that makes her think I’m not attracted to her?
2. What can I do to actually help her feel better?
LemonVibe 
She actually knows on some level it’s her insecurity and she’s going to have to deal with it.
I would continue to do as you are and otherwise don’t mention it. You can offer to help her find a licensed psychologist and go to counseling with her, but reiterate before you offer, that you find her sexy regardless and feel helpless to know what the right answer is when she says this or that before you do.
I suspect her self deprecating comments are more about initiating positive comments from you than her weight. She may be insecure in herself or it has something to do with her need for reassurance the relationship. You, as a supportive loving person, continues to provide this reassurance- which is supporting her need for reassurance more than supporting her self acceptance.
I suspect she is unaware that she is doing this. None of us like to look at the real core of our insecurities. You need to tell her the truth about how you feel. Not the truth that you think she is attractive the way she is, but the truth about how this is making you feel. Tired and annoyed comes to mind for me, but of course there are kinder ways to express your feelings. Something like “having to reassure you constantly makes my words sound insincere and that only makes things worse.” If that is appropriate.
Discuss the possibility that your constant reassurance may be getting in the way of her weight loss. If her self esteem is riding on your compliments, it would not serve her to lose weight. Discuss how you can support her in her weight loss if that is her desire. Compliment her efforts to eat right, exercise, have self discipline. (Don’t point out her short comings though. Those are hers and she is aware of them.) Remind her that it is her body and she should do whatever she wants/ needs to do to feel good about it. I suspect her body is only a fraction of the things you find sexy about her and pointing that out once in awhile can help. Tell her to be honest with herself and you if she is feeling insecure and then you can talk about it.
You can only be in her corner. You can’t fight her inner demons anymore than you can lose weight for her.
-M. Kindness