I’ve been with my partner for 10 months now. We were in a long distance relationship for 7 months. I moved out of state and dropped everything to be with her. It was my choice I was willing to risk it all. We have had a really good relationship. We laughed together, we went out, we stayed in, we were strong. We had a great sex life. Everything seemed to be ok. But lingering in the back of my mind was the fact that she was 50/50 on marriage. She said she didn’t know if she wanted to get married. I eventually do. We talked for hours upon hours on this issue. I see her point of view but I’m having a difficult time fully understanding it.
3 weeks ago, I was feeling a disconnect for whatever reason. I told her something along the lines that it is easier to talk to strangers sometimes. And I mentioned the Whisper app (though I hadn’t downloaded it yet).
One night she came home from work and said, “So who are you talking to?” Turning point here – I lied. I f***ing lied and said I wasn’t talking to anyone. But I did. I downloaded the Whisper app that day and posted “That feeling when your girlfriend doesn’t want to get married”. One person messaged me saying “Maybe she’s scared of commitment… maybe this, maybe that.” I posted because I wanted reassurance, advice, and to feel not so alone. So again, I lied and said I wasn’t talking to anyone. I replay this in my head all the time and can’t think of a good reason why I lied. I guess I was assuming that the crime of reaching out to strangers for advice was a worse crime than lying.
Then she asked to see the Whisper app. I didn’t let her see it. I fought with her for 20 minutes. Finally I gave in and showed her everything. She told me that she knows that Whisper is a “cheating” app (which I completely disagree, but do understand that some people use it for hookups.) She believes that if she caught it months from now, I would have cheated on her.
But all in all, she got angry that I lied.
To this day, 3 weeks later, she is still upset about it. We’ve talked almost everyday. I realize my mistake of lying and the consequences it has on our relationship. I was in the dog house for about a week. She now lets me sleep in the same bed. She gives me hugs every once and a while. BUT – she no longer dresses in front of me… she no longer says “I love you” or “I miss you” or calls me any pet names (which was an everyday kind of thing), obviously no sex, no cuddles, no kissing… I have lost her trust. And it feels like I’ve lost her trust for good.
I have done everything and anything I could possibly think of, read about, and talk about. I’ve cooked her meals, I’ve bought her flowers, I’ve bought her chocolates, and random things to make her happy. I’ve given her space. I’ve respected her boundaries. I’ve showed through tears upon tears that I’m truly remorseful. I’ve continued to do what I’ve always done. Texted her good mornings. Call her babe. Showed that I’m interested and working to better our relationship.
Now I feel like the ball is in her court and I need to relax and give her time to come around.
She went on vacation for 5 days and just got back late last night. She hugged me while I was in bed and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Now we just have to see how things pan out.
Does anyone have any advice? How to move things along quicker? How to earn her trust back?
One thought on ““I lied to her and lost her trust””
You can wait for her or try couples counseling, but it’s not going to be fast.
Questions for you though (and don’t feel like random stranger needs this answer – it’s you who does) Do you want to wait for someone who doesn’t know if they ever want to marry you? Do you want to have to sneak around to get reassurance? Can you get reassurance from her?
Answer these for yourself and I think you’ll have your real answer there.