“My new man is a bit intense”

I am a 33 year old woman. Last June, I left a 7-year relationship, which included 4 years of marriage. I’m currently in the middle of the divorce. Immediately after leaving my husband, I had a 3-month intense rebound relationship with an ultimately emotionally unavailable man that left me heartbroken for longer than the relationship lasted. I decided to go to therapy and try to remain single for a while, to learn more about myself and prevent future mistakes of these types.

Before I hoped — i.e. a couple weeks ago, after about 6 months of single-hood–I met a man I really liked. He was interesting, we have a lot in common, I felt really comfortable around him, etc. I was in heaven for the past week or so, but some doubts have surfaced. He is coming on very strong, and I am feeling myself pull away. In fact, last weekend, after the first time I slept with him, he was immediately making plans for the week, talking about ways I could sleep more comfortably at his house, etc. He texts me very frequently, and asks to see me more than I have time for (we spent three nights together this week, and that included me saying I was too busy a couple of times). I’ve mentioned that I’m not over my previous relationships and need things to go slowly, and when I did so he seemed somewhat hurt, but as though he was trying to hide it. He claims this is not his usual way, but that he feels such a special connection with me, he can’t hold back.

When I said it’s important we are cautious, especially because I’m aware I’m still recovering, he said that would be very hard for him to do. I had told him I really liked him, and maybe expressed more interest than it was wise to. I am sort of turned off by his intensity at this early stage, and tempted to end it (although I do not want to hurt him). On the other hand, I’m afraid this is part of my pattern of pursuing men who are emotionally unavailable and treat me badly, and rejecting those with whom there could be a real future. Do you have any insight?

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2 thoughts on ““My new man is a bit intense”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Follow your gut. Overly intense relationships become abusive ones. If you’ve told him to back off a little and go slowly and don’t feel like he’s doing it, don’t ignore that. I think you are being very smart about this and he needs to understand you need space. If he does allow you space and moves slower then proceed with the relationship however it makes you most comfortable.

    Good luck!

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