I’m a guy in a bit of an ordeal.
Since November, I’ve been walking home with this straight guy from my school. At first, I felt nothing when I was walking with him… In fact, I never imagined I would ever like him…
As time progressed, I found myself feeling so…alive every time I saw him at school. I knew that I would inevitably be met with pain, as he would never reciprocate such a feeling; but I continued to let my feelings grow. I thought it was the only way out of the pain I felt previously for another straight crush… By December, my feelings had intensified. Every time I saw him, the weight of the ocean sat on my chest, my heart thrashed, and my stomach was a void. I couldn’t focus on my schoolwork, I couldn’t eat lunch; I needed to be within the proximity of him to subdue the pain. These feelings have only gotten worse. They’ve only gotten stronger, and more painful. I can say that I have never truly felt like this for anyone.
And oh my God, has this been a painful experience! My brain is addicted to the way he makes me feel. Being in his presence brings me an ineffable ecstasy. I’m so attached to him that, whenever we don’t walk, an overwhelmingly painful sensation fills my chest and my stomach.
Now feeling this way for a crush is normal… We feel the euphoria of the crush, and most of the time, the “crushing” of our hearts is from rejection or the lack of reciprocation. We experience the pain, and it fades away……but this is not one of those circumstances. It has far exceeded the natural course a crush follows. My continuing to walk with him is perpetuating, and prolonging the intense feelings.
So here’s my ordeal: my crush and I, still to this day in which I am currently writing, walk home together. There were many times when I attempted to terminate our “friendship” (more or less our state of being acquaintances) so that I could recover and regain my sanity. I tried walking away…but I found myself walking at his side once more. I still like him. I still see him as perfect and wonderful, irrespective of his flaws. I still take every simple, friendly gesture he does to heart. But I can’t bring myself to end it. I can’t bring myself to be away from him. And I certainly can’t bear the thought of losing him… Someone… Anyone… Please tell me, what should I do?!