I don’t know what to do when it comes to my marriage. Let me start from the beginning…
About a year and a half ago, I went onto my (then) boyfriend’s computer to check my bank account. I started typing ‘Bank of America’ into the browser, but as soon as I entered ‘ba’, a bunch of history sites for backpage.com popped up. I didn’t know what it was, but I also saw ‘escorts’ in the web address. I then looked at his history and saw that he looked these pages up. When I confronted him about it, he said he was just curious. He said he had read they do a lot of sting operations, and he was just curious to see if the profiles really were fake.
I was stupid and believed him. Down the course of the road, more things came out. He told me he had hired an escort before he had met me…that he was at a low point in his life. He was crying and looked broken, and I believed he wanted to change. Since then, we’ve had no real issues. I noticed a change in him. He helps me around the house, he never goes off by himself or even goes out by himself. Since marrying him, our marriage truly felt like a partnership. We were a team. I trusted him.
Well, two days ago, he was at work and I took the day off. I was planning on building a photo album for him as one of his Christmas gifts. I went onto his computer because when his mom came to visit, she downloaded a lot of pictures of us on his computer, so I was trying to access them. I went into his files and clicked on pictures. Apparently, when you do that, it has a list at the bottom showing recently accessed/downloaded pics. Next to some pictures he had downloaded of me back in July, when I was away on a 2 week work trip, were pictures of a girl who wasn’t me. I clicked on them….4 pictures of the same girl posing for selfies, in lingerie, in a hotel room. When I clicked on the properties, it said they had been downloaded 2 days prior. The real shitty part is, in about a month, I will go away for a 10 month long training (we are both military). Two days before he downloaded these pictures, I had sat on the couch, crying, telling him my concerns about being separated for that long, and he held me and told me I had nothing to worry about.
He lied. That’s what kills me. The lying. I called him up at work and asked him if he was cheating on me. He said ‘no’ and asked me why I would say that. I said, ‘Oh really? Then who’s the girl whose pics you have downloaded onto your computer?’ He stammered and I said, ‘Yeah, that’s what I thought. Go fuck yourself.’ I hung up the phone and left.
About an hour later, I’m getting texts and phone calls from people I work with telling me to call my husband because he had an accident at work. Apparently he passed out after he got off the phone with me.
He came home. I eventually went back home. We had a very honest talk. I asked him everything. He still swears he has never cheated, but he says he has a problem when it comes to looking up women on backpage….which is where he got the pics. I made him physically show me where he got them. He said he’ll go to therapy, get rid of his computer, etc. He also said if he does anything like this to me again, he’ll make me divorce him…
I just don’t know what to do. I love this man. We built an amazing life together. The day this happened, I had just been thinking about how lucky I was. I love his family and they love me. My family loves him. He’s been so good to me. I always thought that when I got married, it would be one time. I take marriage seriously.
Then this happens.
I leave in a month for training. How can I trust him for the 10 months I’m away? Is this something worth sticking around for and trying to fix, or am I stupid for thinking it’ll work? If I divorce him, I think about the impact it will have on our families, on my life, on my career. I’d have to push back my training date in order to divorce him first…or I’d have to wait until I was done, but that’s tricky because him and I filed for joint spouse and I don’t want to get an assignment together if we’re going to get divorced.
I don’t know what to do. I have no evidence that he physically cheated on me. I didn’t dig, and even if I did, I’m sure he hides things from me. But it still feels like he did. Looking at pictures of REAL women in the local area who are literally a phone call away… I would be less upset if he had pictures of porn stars or celebrities downloaded into his computer. Those are at least out of his reach. Instead, he looks up trashy sluts on some sleazzy website that creepers or men with no respect for women frequent.
So what would you do in my situation? Give him another chance and then drop him if he does it again? Or just call it quits now?