I’ve been going out with a closeted non-binary person for almost 5 months now. This person is female by birth, but identifies as non-binary, so I’ll use “they” to refer to them. I’m a closeted trans guy, meaning that I’m female by birth, but identify as male.
Since we’re both closeted, we’re viewed as a lesbian couple. I’m okay with this, because we’re not very public with affection and everything, so it doesn’t matter. We’re not having any troubles technically, and I am utterly in love with them and want it to last forever.
The problem is, I’ve been out as “gay” for longer than they have, and I am much more comfortable about being open. This means that they will only talk to me before and after school in the library, when there aren’t many people around. Also, when they see me around school (we’re in different year groups), they just give me a small tight smile and don’t say anything.
I understand why, and I get them, but I suffer from anxiety and depression, so every time they give me that smile (3-4 times each school day), panic builds up inside me and tells me that they don’t love me anymore, and it’s causing me to self-harm even more than I used to, and even consider suicide. The trouble is, I don’t in any way want to break up with them, but it’s so hard to live like this as well. Please give me some advice.