My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 7 months, and I recently moved in with him 4 months ago. What I didn’t know until after, was how angry he gets. We will fight, and recently we have been fighting at least once a week about my personality and attitude problem.
Every time he gets mad about something, he will try to reason it out with me and tells me that I have an attitude problem and that I’m selfish with my own thoughts and actions when I don’t conform to his demands. He has thrown glass cups and whiskey glasses at the wall, punched walls, and kicked down chairs out of his frustration and anger towards something I caused.
I’m trying to stay as objective as I can because I know he’s naturally an angry person and I don’t want to make him seem like the bad guy in all of this. During our good times, things are really good. Happiest I have ever been. But during our bad times, I have never felt more suicidal and depressed. I have resorted to crying spells, my anxiety has gone through the roof, and I just never know what to do when he’s in a yelling spree or anger spree. I feel I am slowly losing myself because I don’t know what to do – and I feel like I have to yell back or be angry back for him to even listen to me. He said that my crying is meaningless and has lost its vigor because I do it so much. Even my “sorry’s” have lost their meaning to him and will not accept any apology I give him because he thinks they are fake.
After things diffuse, we talk and say that things will get better after fighting, but they always seem to either stay stagnant or worse. I don’t know what to do. Could you please help me in terms of how to diffuse situations during an argument with an angry person? I feel like I’m up against a wall in terms of making the situation better and I do not want to give up on this relationship.
5 thoughts on ““I’ve moved in with a really angry boyfriend””
I’m pretty certain the issue is not with you and you are not at fault. Get out, go to your parents or a friend and stay there – let them know what is going on. Anyone with a heart would be horrified at his character. His violent actions and behaviour is unacceptable and the last thing you want, is to be at the receiving end of his fist. You won’t be able to change him or diffuse his temper. You need to put yourself first and leave him before your health or your life suffers.
What the first person said. This is just the start of a relationship and he’s doing that? Oh hell no. It’s going to get worse. This is actually just the tip of the iceburg.
Also if you have any pets or kids, GET THEM OUT FIRST! Make sure before you have them in a safe place and you may want a family member with you, at least waiting in the car, the day you go, because he will try to stop you and may get violent then.
Move on….Neither of you are happy. Counseling only works for those that want to change.. Adopt a no medication rule for your next relationship…especially if there are no children in this toxic relationship… truth sucks.. pack your stuff and be on your own for awhile.
Often it’s hard to make sense of what’s going on when you are in a serious relationship and your partner starts acting erratically. I highly recommend this book to get more clarification- ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ by Patricia Evans. This is a great resource to help define what emotional and verbal abuse is, and how to keep yourself safe and draw boundaries.
Warmest- Karen Kerschmann, LCSW
I’m in the same EXAXT situation as you. Except, I have a 3 year old daughter who watches all of this happen. She watches mommy cry as I try to tell him to calm down. I know why you’re torn and why you can’t get yourself to leave. As easy and as reasonable as it sounds, we just can’t. We know that they have a good side and that their heart is good. But we can’t get ourselves to leave. The toxicity and the abuse just gets worse and we need to walk away. The thing I’ve noticed about angry people is that they think there isn’t anything wrong with them and that they’re being attacked.
I wish there was an easier way to say this, but do what you have to do. But remember, YOU are important and YOU deserve the best.