I went out one night with my best friends and a newer guy friend who had been taking me and my boyfriend out on his boat. I met this guy though a mutual friend. He seemed like a pretty cool guy and seemed to be interested in one of my friends who was there.
The night had started out really fun. We went to a few places to get drinks and play games like ping pong, pool, corn hole. He spent a lot of time talking to my friend. By the end of the night, we ended back at the hotel we started off with for drinks. We weren’t in any position to drive, and I was extremely tired, so I said, “let’s just get a room.”
I have many guy friends, so I know how to share a space and sleep. Things don’t need to happen just because we’re in the same room or even bed. The night took a turn for the worst once we got up to the room, though. I remember plopping into bed and being ready to just pass out. Then I heard him and my friend making sounds. I could tell he was trying to get some action from her. I was on the end of the bed, my friend was in the middle, and he was on the opposite end. I couldn’t tell if she wanted what he was doing to her, but I remember at one point, I threw myself around her, as if I was spooning her from behind, and crossed my leg over her body, so he would hopefully stop and leave her alone.
From that point, the night was a bit of a blur, and some parts were blacked out. I don’t feel like I even drank that much for that to happen to me. I know he gave me something to drink when we got into the room from the mini fridge. I can’t remember if it was water or another beer. The parts of the night I remember, I will continue on about …
My friend, in a final attempt to get him to leave her alone, went to the bathroom. I followed her and then pretended to throw up, so we could both discuss the situation. She proceeded to make herself throw up, too, and he tried to check on us, but I didn’t let him in.
At some point, we came out and decided to go back to the bed. My friend then pretended to start crying from being sick. She was now on the end of the bed, and I was in the middle, trying to “comfort her.” I tucked the second sheet under me, so he couldn’t touch me if he wanted to. He ended up pulling the sheet from under me and started to put his hands on me.
I froze up. I didn’t say stop, or no, and I didn’t push him off me. I remember squeezing my friend’s shoulder, trying to get her to do something, to help me. He started getting more involved with his penis out and his hands on me and rubbing on me. I remember him thrusting on me, and I was trying to discretely whisper to my friend, “help me, help me, help me,” while he was behind me, touching me.
I’m not sure if she was really passed out at that point. I remember he got up again, and I tucked the sheet back under me again, in an attempt to stop him. And he again pulled it from under me. I wasn’t attracted to him, I wasn’t into him in an emotional or physical way, and for some reason, I couldn’t be my normal tough self and tell him to get off, or no, or just get myself out of the situation. It seemed like he just wasn’t going to stop, and I gave in.
I did things I didn’t want to do with him. I just wanted him to be done, so he would leave me alone already. It’s been a few days since this has happened, and I feel so guilty. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend of three years. I feel dirty, sick, loss of appetite, I’m finding it hard to breath a lot, hard to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about what happened.
I want to tell my boyfriend, but I’m scared he will just think I cheated. I never wanted anything from this new friend. I expected him to be a gentleman, knowing me and hanging out with me and my boyfriend. I never saw him wanting to put his hands on me. He never showed any signs of flirting with me or anything prior to the hotel. I don’t know how drunk he was, but we talked for a little the day after. I’m sure that by my actions, he assumed I was consenting, but the whole time, I was disgusted and just wanted it to be over with.
I don’t even remember when I fell asleep, or even if I got sleep. I don’t remember when it ended. I feel like I got zero sleep, as if I shut my eyes and opened them back up, and it was already 7 am, and he had his hands on me again, and my boyfriend called me, so I jumped out of bed.
I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend feeling so guilty and gross. I don’t know what to do. We have lived together for most of our relationship. I’m worried this will ruin everything. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to do something crazy, because that guy goes into his work sometimes. I want to tell him now, but also want time to pass. I know that would only make him more mad if I didn’t tell him right away. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I was sexually assaulted or if I cheated on my boyfriend. I’m not good at being a liar.