“I don’t know if I was sexually assaulted, or if I cheated on my boyfriend”

I went out one night with my best friends and a newer guy friend who had been taking me and my boyfriend out on his boat. I met this guy though a mutual friend. He seemed like a pretty cool guy and seemed to be interested in one of my friends who was there.

The night had started out really fun. We went to a few places to get drinks and play games like ping pong, pool, corn hole. He spent a lot of time talking to my friend. By the end of the night, we ended back at the hotel we started off with for drinks. We weren’t in any position to drive, and I was extremely tired, so I said, “let’s just get a room.”

I have many guy friends, so I know how to share a space and sleep. Things don’t need to happen just because we’re in the same room or even bed. The night took a turn for the worst once we got up to the room, though. I remember plopping into bed and being ready to just pass out. Then I heard him and my friend making sounds. I could tell he was trying to get some action from her. I was on the end of the bed, my friend was in the middle, and he was on the opposite end. I couldn’t tell if she wanted what he was doing to her, but I remember at one point, I threw myself around her, as if I was spooning her from behind, and crossed my leg over her body, so he would hopefully stop and leave her alone.

From that point, the night was a bit of a blur, and some parts were blacked out. I don’t feel like I even drank that much for that to happen to me. I know he gave me something to drink when we got into the room from the mini fridge. I can’t remember if it was water or another beer. The parts of the night I remember, I will continue on about …

My friend, in a final attempt to get him to leave her alone, went to the bathroom. I followed her and then pretended to throw up, so we could both discuss the situation. She proceeded to make herself throw up, too, and he tried to check on us, but I didn’t let him in.

At some point, we came out and decided to go back to the bed. My friend then pretended to start crying from being sick. She was now on the end of the bed, and I was in the middle, trying to “comfort her.” I tucked the second sheet under me, so he couldn’t touch me if he wanted to. He ended up pulling the sheet from under me and started to put his hands on me.

I froze up. I didn’t say stop, or no, and I didn’t push him off me. I remember squeezing my friend’s shoulder, trying to get her to do something, to help me. He started getting more involved with his penis out and his hands on me and rubbing on me. I remember him thrusting on me, and I was trying to discretely whisper to my friend, “help me, help me, help me,” while he was behind me, touching me.

I’m not sure if she was really passed out at that point. I remember he got up again, and I tucked the sheet back under me again, in an attempt to stop him. And he again pulled it from under me. I wasn’t attracted to him, I wasn’t into him in an emotional or physical way, and for some reason, I couldn’t be my normal tough self and tell him to get off, or no, or just get myself out of the situation. It seemed like he just wasn’t going to stop, and I gave in.

I did things I didn’t want to do with him. I just wanted him to be done, so he would leave me alone already. It’s been a few days since this has happened, and I feel so guilty. I feel like I cheated on my boyfriend of three years. I feel dirty, sick, loss of appetite, I’m finding it hard to breath a lot, hard to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about what happened.

I want to tell my boyfriend, but I’m scared he will just think I cheated. I never wanted anything from this new friend. I expected him to be a gentleman, knowing me and hanging out with me and my boyfriend. I never saw him wanting to put his hands on me. He never showed any signs of flirting with me or anything prior to the hotel. I don’t know how drunk he was, but we talked for a little the day after. I’m sure that by my actions, he assumed I was consenting, but the whole time, I was disgusted and just wanted it to be over with.

I don’t even remember when I fell asleep, or even if I got sleep. I don’t remember when it ended. I feel like I got zero sleep, as if I shut my eyes and opened them back up, and it was already 7 am,  and he had his hands on me again, and my boyfriend called me, so I jumped out of bed.

I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend feeling so guilty and gross. I don’t know what to do. We have lived together for most of our relationship. I’m worried this will ruin everything. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to do something crazy, because that guy goes into his work sometimes. I want to tell him now, but also want time to pass. I know that would only make him more mad if I didn’t tell him right away. I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I was sexually assaulted or if I cheated on my boyfriend. I’m not good at being a liar.

11 thoughts on ““I don’t know if I was sexually assaulted, or if I cheated on my boyfriend”

  1. Jennifer Barton says:

    Please find a good counselor to help you sort out your feelings. It sounds like rape since you didn’t feel you had a choice. Even if you did some things that seemed cooperative to get it over with when it was clear you didn’t have a choice, your mind knows you were hurt. You can develop PTSD symptoms and have trouble with anxiety and depression from this. Please get help.

    The scenario you described happens more often than a stranger jumping you from the shadows. It does also sound like you may have been drugged but you were at the very least too drunk to think clearly. I’m so sorry this happened to you. It wasn’t your fault.

    Just remember that even though at the time you may have seemed coherent to yourself, the doubts you have and the fact that you tried to avoid him tell a different story. You just couldn’t think clearly enough to escape. You were targeted by a predatory person who took advantage of you and the situation. That isn’t cheating on your boyfriend. That’s being abused when you were vulnerable. I hope you’re able to get a good counselor and the support that you need.

  2. stephania722 says:

    You were absolutely sexually assaulted. There should be no guilt on your part. Tell your boyfriend what happened, that you think you and your friend may have been drugged, and that you were trying to protect her — which you were. Tell him you’re dealing with guilt and you don’t know where to go from here. Lastly, stay away from this person.

  3. Lisa Rae says:

    Agreed. Definitely sexual assault. I can understand why you might not want to report it. I went through a very similar situation in college, and chose not to report it, basically because none of my friends believed me that it was not consentual. I figured if my friends didn’t believe me, why would the police? Things are different now, as the definition and understanding of sexual assault has evolved over time. You will need to gather some serious strength and get lots of support from friends and family to get through the kinds of questioning you’re likely to endure when reporting it. You should definitely find a way to tell your boyfriend, as you will need his support too. Something to consider is that he may be better able to accept what’s happened if you do report it. Either way, if he can’t agree to the two of you supporting each other through this, he’s not the right guy anyway. You should not take on additional guilt over it if that’s the case. I know, easier said than done, but keep reminding yourself of that. Support is key no matter what. If you can’t get support from friends or family, there are women’s advocacy groups who may be able to help you. Therapy is a good idea too. Above all, remember these were HIS actions that took place against your will. You did NOTHING to make it happen. ❤❤❤

  4. Lauren says:

    Silence isn’t consent. Just because you didn’t say “No” doesn’t mean that you said “yes.” Given the fact that you were actively trying to cover yourself up and avoid his touch shows that you did not want to participate in sex with him.

    I would say that you were a victim of sexual assault, and if your relationship with your boyfriend is solid and one built on trust, he should believe you and want what is best for you (whether that be counseling or some the filing of a police report or whatever you decide that you want to do).

    In the future, I would also avoid contact with the “friend” who assaulted you. Even if he was drunk, it doesn’t excuse his behavior.

  5. Dennis Hong says:

    This was passed onto me by a lawyer friend:

    “I know a lawyer who would be willing to talk to that woman on Lemonvibe. I know that filing a lawsuit may not be her first solution or the first thing on her mind. I would propose going to the authorities as well, but I am concerned given the state of things these days that her situation might not be at the top of the DA’s list. My fallback to a lawyer is not about the money, it is that someone has to stop this guy or he will do it again. Let me know if there is any interest or if there is anything I can do to facilitate the introduction.”

    If you’d like to pursue this matter, please send me a message via this link:


  6. Anonymous says:

    First thing I’d do is get into see a therapist and help sort my thoughts and deal with what happened. It was wrong for him to force himself. He was taking advantage. You were being victimized and neither of you were using good judgement because of the affects of alcohol. I’m not blaming you because of the alcohol, but as you said you would have been more assertive normally. Alcohol affects judgement. Professional counseling will help you find peace and how to deal with this in your head. It will help you figure out if and how to tell your boyfriend. Sending prayers for you. This really is a disturbing situation and needs deep support. Research counselors and find one with good references. Talk to your friend who was there and compare notes to figure out if this should be reported to authorities. At the very least get counseling.

  7. Anonymous says:

    Hey there.
    Back during my first year of college, there was one night where I was a house party and there was a lot of drink and weed floating around. I had both, to the point where I blacked out and fell asleep somewhere.
    I woke up to find a guy underneath me and his hands rubbing my crotch. He was doing this for a while, in a dark living room with others passed out so there were no witnesses. He wouldn’t stop and I was too scared to get him to stop. I let him carry on with no clue how or what was happening. I was also clueless about sex so I didn’t know that was in no way, acceptable.
    I woke up the next day and he had gone but I wasn’t relived. I felt dirty and awful. I didn’t know anyone in the room, so I couldn’t confide in them and I wanted to cry.
    I eventually left and had a hot shower, trying to rid myself of all the mental dirt I had been carrying.
    That didn’t work. I eventually tried to confide to some girls in my college class. Their response was: “You’re so stupid, what do you think you were doing?” “You could’ve got raped!” said another. I was made to feel it was all my fault and until recently, I realised it wasn’t. Nor was I stupid. My outfit wasn’t to blame, nor were the instruments that led to my intoxication.
    None of what happened to you was your fault. When consent is concerned, the guy that assaulted you didn’t ask if it was okay. He didn’t hold back either.
    I just wish you healing and love to help you as long as needed. It’s been under 20 years for someone to say to me it wasn’t my fault. I just want to get to you and let you know it isn’t your fault now.

  8. therapyinsdcom says:

    As a therapist I have heard this story all too many times. One of the lesser known panic responses, in addition to ‘fight and flight’ is ‘freeze’. Please remember that you are not responsible for his behavior and any comes from it. Oftentimes women don’t label these experiences as sexual assault until many years later, if ever. You aren’t alone in your confusion and distress.

    You are not responsible for other people’s actions. Repeat this many many times.

    If you would like additional resources where you live, PM Dennis and he can connect us.

    Warmest- Karen

  9. vorsagamn says:

    I agree with all previously said – sounds like you were roofied. Please don’t be hard on yourself – you are likely the victim of a crime.

    Counseling would be good. Also talking sooner rather than later will be good. If your boyfriend doesn’t believe or support you, then it’s good to find out now.

    You don’t mention if a condom was used and even if it weren’t, you probably should get some testing done. What you went through is very difficult, but it will be even worse if you have sex with your boyfriend and unintentionally transmit something to him. He deserves to know before you are intimate again. I’m sorry for what you went through and I know talking about it can be so difficult. But a predatory person like this will not typically have your health in mind and …. well, please get tested.

    While you’re being tested, roofies can be detected with tests too. Whether through the police, doctor, or online test, get tested so at least you can have peace of mind and know. Key points you mentioned really makes it sound like a roofie. But please first talk to the lawyer since it’s been offered. This predator needs to be stopped.

    Good Luck and be kind to yourself

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