“My husband has an obsessed fanboy”

When I met my now-husband two years ago, he had a friend whom he had met while dating his ex (her cousin). Sweet guy. Young and naive. They race cars and karts, and they enjoy working on them together.

Anyway, fast-forward to my wedding and our new marriage. We have a bbq every week, and this guy comes along and brings nothing. No drinks or meat. When I spoke to my husband, he said no, that John helps him a lot when it comes to racing and building, so he doesn’t mind.

I mind. I think this boy is a complete sponge.

Then to compound on that, I have not had one week without this guy coming over a minimum of twice a week. Sometimes it goes up to 4-5 times!

I’ve complained to my husband, and he has just told John that we are a new marriage and he must give us space, not that he must start contributing and stop sponging.

My husband asked that I come and support him at a race. So I obliged, knowing that John would be there. I sat back and watched this boy obsess over my husband, always needing to be his number one.

I feel like I am losing my mind! I know my husband isn’t cheating or anything, but it feels like he is. He sits on the couch next to me and they message each other constantly.  My husband doesn’t see that John is obsessed with him, so he doesn’t see and issue. He just now keeps us apart from each other. When John comes over, he doesn’t come inside, he only stays in the garage.

I apologize if it doesn’t quite make sense. Please feel free to ask questions. Please someone tell me what to do. I am really losing my mind. So much so that I am considering going to see a professional.

5 thoughts on ““My husband has an obsessed fanboy”

  1. Anonymous says:

    It sounds like your husband has a healthy hobby and a best friend. Also it sounds like it might be time for you to get your own hobby, learn to turn a wrench, find something to do with YOUR friends, or see a professional psychiatrist about jealousy/insecurity issues.

    Lets look at it this way:
    1. your husband listened to you and made logical, reasonable and polite adjustments
    2. you didn’t say that you asked or told the friend to bring something yourself and expect him to read your mind about not mooching. Just say hey “so and so” bring chips before you come.
    3. you are not interested in his hobby as much as his friend so of course you’re not as keen as he is on the race

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    Everything you said makes sense, but I agree you need to be open with your husband on what’s bothering you. Right now, it sounds like you’re dropping hints that are way too subtle for him, so you can’t expect him to pick up on them.

    Tell him what exactly bothers you, and hopefully he’ll understand. As anonymous above pointed out, he did listen when you were specific in telling him that you wanted space, and he actually did something about it. That says a lot about his willingness to accommodate your concerns. So I don’t think you have any reason to doubt that he’ll listen to you. You just have to speak up. And be clear about it. 🙂

  3. Anonymous says:

    I sat my husband down and I explained all from beginning to end. He didn’t want me to approach John as I wouldn’t have been so sincere. So I explained that I need space and that if this boy comes over he is to contribute. Two days later we have a bbq at my place and this boy rocks up empty handed. He’s now also sulking outside because my husband has told him that we want space. So with a house full of guests, my husband is sitting outside with this sulking little boy. I don’t feel that his actions were matching his words.
    Unfortunately I do feel insecure because I don’t want to feel I need to fight for my husbands time and attention because John is obsessed with being his number one. In my opinion John should realise that we are a new marriage and we don’t need people coming over to ask where our CHILD John is because he is always with us.
    I take a lot of interest in my husband’s hobbies. I am with him in the garage until late in the evenings or up early in the mornings with him to go down to the track. I support him in all aspects of that. My wedding cake was his racing helmet. This is what we love! So in that regards I do support him tremendously. I just need him to now support me and take a stand for me.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      Yeah, it sounds like you’re in a tricky spot right now, but it also does seem like your husband is making a sincere effort to accommodate you. Yeah, John is being a little baby right now, but at least your husband is on your side, and I think that’s the most important part.

      As I see it, if John continues to sulk at your barbecue in the same way that you described, he’s only going to shoot himself in the foot. Sure, your husband was being a good friend and sat with him to comfort him, but trust me, that shit is going to get old. It’s no fun when you’re at a social gathering, and you’re stuck having to babysit someone because they’re choosing to be a drama queen about something trivial.

      So yeah … I think you should cross your fingers and hope that John actually keeps doing this, because I promise you, your husband will grow tired of his shenanigans soon enough. You may even want to play it up — make sure you’re having a blast with everyone else, and also make sure your husband realizes all the fun he’s missing out on as he’s hanging out with John.

      Point being, as long as you feel that you and your husband are on the same page, then I think you’re better off letting little John hang himself. Make it clear to your husband that you think John is being a baby, and that because you’re newlyweds, it’s important that the two of you have your own time to each other. But also don’t put too much pressure on your husband to distance himself from John, because that’s only going to alienate him. Rather, let him slowly realize what a drag John is being, and let him be the one to see him for the child he really is.

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