“I used to be abusive towards my family”

i had a very healthy life until I lost my father when I was 15 years old. I got into wrong habits like talking to many boys at one time, sleeping late in the night etc., which spoiled my reputation in society. My mom being the single parent worried a lot for me and explained to me to not do this by every means. I never listened to her and instead used to fight and beat my younger siblings out of frustration who were 7 years younger to me.

I never used to like any of my relatives and used to blackmail my family that i will behave even worse so that relatives would really want to break all ties with us. Somehow two years passed and I was sent to college. I was well-to-do with studies and hence was admitted to a good college. I hated my college as it was an all-girls college and I was from a co-ed school. I flunked a year because I used to bunk classes and got into smoking and drinking wit my then-BF.

We were dependent on my maternal grandparents for money. I somehow with a lot of difficulty finished grad school and joined a call center. I started earning but I hardly gave money to my family. I met a bad guy who used me physically and cheated on me. I left him and found a very decent boy with a decent family. My best friend guided me wrong and asked me to break up. I broke up with him.

After this. i changed companies. Had an affair with a man who was 20 years elder to me, married with two kids. As I used to talk to other men at work, he started blackmailing me hard. Nevertheless, I also couldn’t help meeting him and kept on talking endless hours with him and meeting him outside work and stayed late nights with him.

While i could see how much my 3 folks need me, since i was the only capable one to earn (siblings in college and my mom always a house wife). My maternal uncles and mother kept on telling me to start finding a good guy on matrimonial websites or some decent guy I know, but I kept on roaming around with cheap guys whom I wouldn’t myself approve of for anyone, let alone myself, and never listened o my parents.

Then the guy I dated in college came back to propose me for marriage and I said yes just to get away from the situation I had with my family and at work with that man. I could somehow sense that the things are not right and his family is way too orthodox and had too high expectations. Still went ahead and got married, cuz I desperately wanted to escape the situation at home and work. Now that I am married, I am not happy, it is all coming back to bite me and Karma is playing all over my life. My husband does not realize my importance and mother-in-law keeps scolding me and keeps blaming me and my family for something or the other. My husband keeps telling me to get back home and leave his house. I don’t get to go back home too much and if I go my siblings don’t talk to me. They dread the childhood they lived because of me. Its been 8 months into my marriage. and I am really suicidal because the past comes to kill me.

My parents don’t want to call me back to there house in spite of all the suffering. I don’t want to live anymore, either. I don’t even want to die because of that little hope that lives within me that maybe someday all the suffering is over and life would be normal. My life before marriage is full of mistakes and giving hard times to people. I don’t know how to get back to my family. Please suggest what can i do to overcome and cross out all that happened.

2 thoughts on ““I used to be abusive towards my family”

  1. therapyinsdcom says:

    It’s good that you are remorseful about how you treated your siblings as a teen, but it sounds like you feel allowing karma have it’s way with you isn’t serving anyone.

    What is your goal….? To leave/stay? To rebuild a relationship with your family or not? What have you tried so far to help yourself in this situation?

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