I am VERY confused. About a month ago, I started college and on my first day I met this boy in one of my courses. Immediately I was attracted to him and after a couple weeks passed and conversations started to flow, I started to gradually develop feelings for him. However, I was scared to ever admit this to him for many reasons. Despite the fact we had only known each other for a short amount of time, he was also always mentioning that since he has started college he has had to “friend-zone” a bunch of girls, as the attention from them was becoming annoying and he was only looking for a friendship. I didn’t want to be added to this list.
After texting him for a while, we decided to meet up for the first time outside of college. He came round mine and we hung out for a few hours. Everything was going fine and we were both more comfortable around each other compared to how we were at college.
However, things soon got very confusing, as at the end of the night we kissed. Usually I don’t kiss someone who I am only friends with, but something felt right and honestly I couldn’t have been happier.
The problem was, the next day he seemed very distant. He would only flash me a quick smile from across the room and just continue to talk to his other friends. Now I know he is allowed to have other friends. However, since knowing him he as never been so distant. Since it was only a free lesson in the library, I decided to leave as it was making me feel extremely low. I met up with a couple of friends in the canteen and explained it to them. They suggested I go and talk to him about it, I agreed and made my way back up to the library.
As I was entering the library he was leaving, so we both bumped into each other. I told him that I had come back to see him, but he didn’t seem very interested. He kept joking around and saying “stop following me.” Despite it being a joke, I still took it quite personally and decided to return to my friends. Later that night, we texted each other and I explained how I have been feeling very alone and unimportant lately at college in general (he still doesn’t know I was actually referring to how he has made me feel). He replied with “Hey, you’re important with me.” This made me even more confused, as I really didn’t feel important to him at all.
If anyone has any idea what this all could mean, please let me know. I need some advice on how to handle this situation and to understand whether he really does like me or not? One minute he’s very flirtatious and the next he couldn’t care less. I understand many people have experienced things like this before, so maybe someone could shed some light on the situation and help me out?
2 thoughts on ““One minute he’s flirtatious, the next minute he’s distant””
Just be casual acquaintances with him. If he actually had feelings for you then he would have been excited and shown it. You deserve a guy who would really be into you 100%. When it’s real there is no question about if he’s into you or not. He’s already made it clear that he “friend zone’s” women which was your grand hint that he’s unavailable. He might not even be into your sex or sex at all for all you really know.
As my grandmother would say: “Walk away with your head held high and remember you are a queen, my dear. Queens don’t let their crowns fall to the floor.”
You may have built up a story in your mind about things and how they ‘seem’ to you. You stated you were ‘immediately attracted to him’ which infers romantic notions. He was honest and upfront in the fact he told you he didn’t, and was not, looking for a romantic relationship. Having to ‘friend zone’ a lot of girls was the first red flag into attempts to create any type of romantic relationship with him. You made the choice to allow your feelings to deepen.
It sounds to me as though he reached a level of trust with you as a friend and felt comfortable enough to extend that friendship outside the safe zone of school. You on the other hand were carrying a torch and believed things to be moving into a more romantic arena. If you had communicated your true intent in the beginning he would have ‘friend zoned’ you as well. You stated you knew this would happen so you didn’t. Again, you made a choice to hide your true feelings and led him to believe you were fine with just being friends. Because you hid your true intent and motivation, he probably realized too late how you felt, thus the kiss. Guys will do this if they feel sorry for someone whom they have created a friendship with. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings so he gave you what you wanted.
Unfortunately for you both, neither of you are being honest with each other and clearly stating what you feel causing feelings to be hurt. He, because he truly likes you as a friend, and you because you think you have been played. However, he only wanted a friend, you wanted more and allowed yourself to have deeper romantic feelings when he clearly was not on the same page. You built and created a love story that wasn’t really there. Now, due to both of your actions, you are hurt and he has had to ‘friend zone’ someone he was actually developing trust for as a friend.
If you want to keep the friendship you will have to reign in and shelve the romantic notions, because he has none at this point. (This doesn’t mean that over time out of a friendship love cannot blossom, but for now it’s an obvious no.) If you wish to pursue him romantically be prepared to be cut cold and treated like a major mistake.
Bottom line, you have to be honest with you by putting everything aside and really look at the situation from the outside. Remove your emotions and look at it logically. Did he really lead you on? Or, did you romanticize his actions. Was he honest in the beginning? Were you? You have to be real with yourself and take responsibility for you. Regardless of him, which you have absolute no control over, you are the only one who can make yourself happy. It starts with being honest and real with the inner person. It’s a harsh reality and we all walk through it. Remember to breathe, step back, find your balance and move forward. Tomorrow is another day. Carpe diem!