“I blew my chance with her three years ago, and I still can’t get over her”

Hi, this is my first time writing something like this and I apologise about the length but I just needed to write it down and get it off my chest etc. Essentially I need help getting over a girl.

We met at university 6 years ago, I developed a massive crush immediately but I had no intention of doing anything about it since she was way out of my league and had a boyfriend at the time. To build a picture of myself back then I was obese and since I had been to an all-boys school I had very little experience with asking girls out, previously I’d only had one brief relationship and she’d made all the first moves etc. So anyway, due to some mutual friends me and this girl got talking and found out we have similar interests/personalities. Over the next 2 years we got to the point where I considered her to be one of my closest friends and I’m sure she felt similarly since we were socialising a couple of times a week one way or another and texting daily (she was still dating the boyfriend throughout this). Additionally over the two years I had started going to the gym/losing weight and getting in shape which had given me a bit more self-confidence with girls and I’d been on a couple of dates that hadn’t really led to anything long-term.

So one night we were in a club for a friends birthday and I began noticing she was acting differently, eventually realising she’d been dropping less and less subtle hints the entire night that she wanted something to happen between us which I hadn’t been picking up on. I didn’t know how to react because for me this had come out of nowhere but as much as I wanted to reciprocate I decided against it since I couldn’t tell how drunk she was (how in control of her actions etc), she had a boyfriend and I didn’t want her to wake up the next day with regrets and our friendship to be ruined etc. Plus I have a policy of not getting involved with girls in relationships. So I handled it badly and rather than talking to her like a mature person I pretended to be really drunk/oblivious to these hints and avoided being alone with her. The next day I stupidly decided not to mention it figuring that if it was just the alcohol she could act like it never happened and it wouldn’t affect our friendship but if she was serious she’d say something. She didn’t mention anything so I assumed it was a one-off.

This happened at the end of the university year so before we could see each other again we went home for summer. Over summer I found out (from her) that she’d in fact dumped her boyfriend the day before this night at the club. I spent the whole summer overanalysing every angle and eventually convinced myself that she liked me and that if I asked her out when we got back to university she’d definitely say yes. When we got back she acted a bit distant to begin with which made me slow down my plans to ask her out because I knew if I asked her out and she said no then it might make our being friends awkward. After a couple of months I decided I would rather have an answer than not know.

After I asked her out all she would say on the matter was that she had recently begun seeing someone else and refused to say anything more. I didn’t press the issue and backtracked very quickly in the hope that we could remain friends (we’ve still never talked about what happened or anthing related to it). Over the next year we halfheartedly made attempts to keep in touch but as much as I wanted to stay friends a part of me was bitter that she’d opened the door to the possibility of us going out and then slammed it in my face when I tried to step through it. I also had a lot of self-loathing since I felt like if I had asked her out before the other guy she might have said yes. Eventually I realised that a lot of the blame was mine since I had given her no reason to think that I liked her until the point I asked her out and I still resent myself for not doing something earlier.

Over the 3 years after that I have made efforts to repair our friendship while I feel her efforts have been minimal. I frequently invited her to drinks with me and mutual friends and almost every time she has come up with an excuse not to go. Every now and then one of us will send the other a text asking how they’re doing, we’ll have a very brief catch up before she stops the conversation. Over the years I have dated other girls but I can’t help but compare them to her. She is still happily with the second boyfriend and he seems like a nice enough guy. It also didn’t help that by sheer coincidence we ended up working at the same place after university (but in different departments), whenever we bumped into each other we’d talk/chat like old times but as soon as I suggested doing something social after work (in a non-romantic group setting) such as coming for drinks with a group of colleagues or even eating lunch at the same time in the cafeteria etc she’d make excuses.

I have recently changed jobs and after all this time I still can’t stop thinking about her. Since we aren’t likely to see each other unless we make plans, should I just cut off contact with her and accept we’re never going to be friends again? Would this help me get over her and put these regrets behind me? The logical side of me knows this isn’t healthy, knows we’re never going to be a couple just wants to be friends. It’s just the non-logical side can’t let it go. If you’ve made it this far you’re a trooper and a saint. Advice?

3 thoughts on ““I blew my chance with her three years ago, and I still can’t get over her”

  1. joanna585 says:

    My advice would be to let it go. You’ve been pining after her too long and believe me, even if you don’t think it’s obvious she definitely knows. And every time you interact with her and try to make plans, she makes excuses. Making excuses is her way of letting you down softly. She’s hoping you get the hint that she’s not interested.

  2. Anonymous says:

    She is not interested. That one night at the club, hurt and alcohol clouded her judgment, and she wanted to use you as rebound sex to get over her ex, but that was all it was. If you’d slept with her, she would have resented you for taking advantage of her vulnerable state, and she’d have regretted it. She only likes you as a friend, and doesn’t want you getting the wrong idea. You can’t see her as just a friend, so leave her in the past and move on.

  3. Anonymous says:

    I’ve been in the same situation. And the point is try to change your point of view.
    But first you need to convey your feeling for good, try to talk with everyone you know and want to share that you loved her. Psychological stress is probably the reason? idk.
    Then, get as many friends as possible, a LOT of it (female friends ofcourse). In that way it makes your mind that there are a lot of good girls out there. It’s the only “one” you want because you didn’t try to see around. But when you try to see around for years and still want her then, I can’t say anything.
    Gradually you will need to see that there are two types of love:
    1. You want to be with her. (probably affection love?)
    2. As long as she is happy I’m good. (probably family/friend like love?)
    I succeeded in moving from 1. to 2. and still sometimes still contact her.
    This is my experience from loving the same girl for 7 years and then now after 4 years finally moved on.

    Hope this helps.

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