I lay there beside him, pain welling within my chest. My muscles tight, and shaking slightly. It was an anxiety attack, nothing new. I have been dealing with them for years, but, lately, they had begun getting worse. At times, they would last for hours, sometimes they lasted for days. I used to be able to control it. I would go for walks, listen to music, or play with the cat. Anything to distract myself. Those things didn’t work anymore, not since I met him.
Well, reunited would be a better word than met. I’ve known him off and on for years. He is damaged, like I am. Though, he isn’t weak, like I am. He’s been through so much; horrid relationships, psychotic friends, major depression, suicide attempts, drug addictions, overly judgmental family, and a sick, mentally abusive mother. All of that, and he still came out on top, He still fights to enjoy every second of life. His strength is one of the main things I love about him. I am drawn to it, like a moth to a bug light. One of those electric bug lights, because the closer I get to him, the more it hurts.
You see, while I lay here gripped with fear, all I want is for him to hold me. A touch from him is all it takes to make me feel safe. Every time I try to get closer to him, to put my body against his, he pushes me away. He has no idea the affect he has on me, but yet, he does. He is my best friend, and the only person in this world who truly understands me. He knows how deeply I feel about him, and yet, he doesn’t love me back.
It’s not like I covet something I cannot have. I mean, it’s really his own fault. In the past, we would start talking again. He would be sweet, and romantic, and act like he had an interest in me. It was always a lie though. Every time I would open up to him, he would immediately shut down. He would say that he wasn’t ready for a relationship, and wanted to be just friends, but, that one day, he wanted to be with me. After a while, I would get tired of it, and cut him out of my life. The last time this happened, we had had a major fight. I broke a promise to him, and his anger hurt my feelings. So I lashed out, and used my anger at him to keep him out of my life for two years. It was childish, I know, but that anger fueled me to be a better person.
A bit ago, he resurfaced, wanting to talk. Against my better judgment, I gave in. he was so sweet, and told me he cared for me so deeply, and missed me. As the saying goes, history repeats itself. I had thought it would be different this time, because he said it would. He says that he always felt that way about me, but the timing was always off. And now, it is apparently off again? It’s not that I don’t understand. He is going through a lot. Lots of stress, his mother is dying, etc, etc. But, the pain is unbearable. With him in my life, I am blinded. I’m stuck, not quite in the friend zone, but somewhere in between that, and a relationship. He says he wants to wait until he can give me 100%, and he just can’t do that right now.
I want to believe him so much, but this nagging feeling won’t go away. I have no confidence in myself, and little trust in others. I feel like I’m just here as his backup plan, but I want to believe that he actually loves me. If you truly loved someone though, would you reach out to them in their time of need? Wouldn’t you wipe their tears away, and hold them till they were better? I’m lost. And this time, I don’t think I can get away. I love him too much to give up this dream that one day he will be my knight in shining armor. He just keeps telling me to be patient, but it’s so hard.
Please, someone tell me what to do.