“No matter how toxic our fights were, I couldn’t leave”

For the past two years, I have been with a guy who is 26 years older than me. He owns the business in which I am employed. He is very well known within a 300 mile radius. In the beginning, it was a lot of fun, and traveling, and going out, and a lot of other things. A few months into the relationship, I wanted out, and became suicidal. He just loved me so much and no matter how toxic our fights were I didn’t leave. I ended up moving in with him. He had his house listed for sale before I met him and so we moved to a new house. I tried to find a house that wouldn’t be too much if I finally left.

We settled in and continued to have toxic fights and I have been so unhappy, and yet he just loves me so much and makes sure he reminds me of everything he given me, and how I am who I am because of him. But he doesn’t say it in that way, he’s really good with mind games. When we fight he says the most hurtful things and gets me so upset and worked up that I just beg and plead for him to just walk away and leave me alone for five minutes. But then he just wants to hug me and tell me he loves me and say that I’m his, and we’re fine.

I finally moved out, but because I didn’t want to lose my well paying job that I really enjoyed for the first time in my life. I ended up moving back in with him because I had nowhere to leave my dog when I was at work.

I moved a few things back in, still feel extremely unhappy and trapped despite the fact that I keep thinking maybe I’m being selfish or not thankful for what have.

But in a relationship, shouldn’t there be laughter and joy and happiness at least once in a while? His life took a toll on my health and I am now dealing with health issues and trying to reduce my stress and change my eating habits, and he just doesn’t comprehend that the life I live with him, on top of me already being severely depressed, is causing me to become ill. I can’t eat out all the time, and I can’t eat late and just go to bed. We did that every night for two years, and it all caught up with me.

I feel like I should be able to be with someone my age, who cares about their own health and what they eat, which he doesn’t, and he really doesn’t even eat because he’s so busy, and eats like crap when he does. I want to have peace, love, joy, and laughter in my life, and I just sit, and pray, and cry, and now I can barely eat and am losing weight. I have bills coming due, so I don’t know how to walk away AGAIN.

We got into it last night because he got mad that I didn’t text him back about meeting up at a group event, for which I told him the date and time, but he really didn’t even want to go. So, he then tells me, “fine, go to your other boyfriend” and starts calling me names, grabs my phone and takes off with it as I’m trying to leave the house. He grabbed my clothes and locked the door, and one second he’s talking trash, then the next, he’s telling me he loves me.

Mentally, I’ve lost it. Physically, I don’t have the strength to move out – I can’t lift much, and emotionally, I want to die. This is NOT the life God has for me – there is NO WAY!

I don’t know what to do or where to go. I have no one to help me because I used all of my options and space the first time I moved out. This time I am ready to let EVERYTHING, including my job go, because my health, sanity, and happiness deserve to have a chance!!

2 thoughts on ““No matter how toxic our fights were, I couldn’t leave”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Sometimes men can be controlling its just their nature. He sounds like an alpha male and they are the hardest to be with. If he isnt willing to tone down the notch *start with ine or two very specific things) and if this doesnt work ot, your personalities dont match. I say save money and rent a room where they might allow dogs. The dog will make it harder though. Meanwhile look for a new job before you quit.

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