My boyfriend and I have been together for five years. For the past three years, we continuously get into really bad arguments. There is nothing glaringly wrong with our relationship — no cheating, good trust, good sex, etc. I am worried that the fighting is ruining us.
The latest example, is when we were at a good friend’s wedding. We went to the car around 10 pm to change clothes, and he got really angry at me for not helping him set up a tent for camping. It ruined the night. We drove home and he hasn’t talked to me since. Are we doomed?
2 thoughts on ““How much fighting is too much?””
No couple is ever going to get along 100% of the time. As such, fighting is natural in relationships, and it’s healthy to be able to hash out your differences.
Rather than focusing on how much fighting is too much, I think it’s more important to consider how you fight. Is it done with respect? When you argue with each other, do you focus on the issues and leave the personal attacks out of it? Or are you out to figuratively destroy the other person?
For instance, there’s a big difference between these two types of comments:
“You never take out the trash. I feel like I always have to do it.”
“You’re such an airhead. Why can’t you ever remember to take out the trash?”
Notice how much more respectful the first comment is, while also voicing one’s concerns.
You may also want to consider whether the issues you’re fighting about are substantial and worth fighting about in the first place.
You don’t mention anything about the first part (how you fight), but it definitely sounds like your boyfriend is picking fights with you over inconsequential things. If this is the case, I think it might be worthwhile to approach him during a moment of calm, and explain to him that it feels to you like you two are always fighting about petty things, and maybe both of you have to work to dial it back. Don’t accuse him of picking fights, though. Frame it as both of you needing to work on this together.
And then … I think you just have to wait and see how he responds. If he agrees that you fight over petty stuff and wants to work on it, then I think you’ve taken a big first step.
If he disagrees that your fights are petty, or even that you argue too much, then I think you have to consider whether the relationship is worth holding onto …
If you’ve been continuously fighting for 3 years, it sounds like you guys are not the best match. It sounds exhausting, and unless you take steps to fix the way you communicate, you should reconsider the relationship.