“I lost my chance with the guy who chased me for a year”

There’s this guy who’s been chasing me for a year or so. He’s asked me out a few times, and I said no every time for a few reasons. One was my parents, and another was that at the time, I liked him, but was uncertain, or didn’t love him as he deeply loved me.

We continued to stay really close friends, and it was great. Then one night, he asked me how would I feel if he dated someone, but still treated me the same? When receiving this message, I just felt betrayal and hurt. We talked on the phone that night, and we were both stressed and crying over what to do.

He started saying stuff like, he felt they wouldn’t last, and that we could date in the future in college. So he was trying to decide between me or her. Initially, he wasn’t taking the new girl seriously and still loved me deeply.

Then, it came to the point where I realized my feelings for him and confessed to wanting to date him, even with the complications. But he said he’s too far down the road now with the new girl, and that he cares for my education, and that I have better things to do than to date him.

So in the end, he said he’s deciding to date her to get his mind off of dating me, and so in a way he told me to wait. And I tried waiting, but it was just horrible, and I couldn’t. So during this period, I was always depressed, and he became “meh” about me and said I was vibe-killing. He also said he had started losing feelings for me, since he was happy with the new girl (by the way, new girl knew nothing about this).

What hurts the most is that he found someone new within three weeks or so. Right now, the situation is he seems happy with her and is taking her seriously. And me, on the other hand, I’m still his friend. He still wants to be my friend and still cares for me, like walking me in the hallways, instead of his girlfriend, because he doesn’t want to take away the little time we have (and because he spends the whole day with his girlfriend). He also buys me food and talks and hangs out with me when he can.

But it just hurts, to see them together, to see that he doesn’t treat me the same as he used to. It probably hurts me because during the time he was chasing me, we acted and were like a couple, but without the title. We did everything together and were extremely close, and he treated me as if I was his girlfriend, very lovingly. He made me feel so good about myself and made my insecurities go away, and he was a humorous and caring guy. So I feel like it was bad timing, I realized too late, I guess, because now it hurts a lot. And so I’m thinking of what to do with everything really, because I still feel hopeful that someday things might work out.

Should I stay by his side as a friend, and keep the hope bottled inside? What do I do with my feelings? I feel like it was such a wasted opportunity. There was so much potential for him and me. It would’ve been a long loving relationship. Some might say to cut him out of my life, but I can’t, because we had so much, and the bond was valuable. And he hasn’t cut me out of his life. So really, I don’t know whether to wait and maybe hope someday when he’s single, things could work out then?

I feel like my feelings won’t disappear anytime soon, because I’ve been crying very often, thinking about it and being hurt. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the little time I had with him, but the fact that he’s moved on just hurts me. By the way, he is a senior in high school and is soon leaving for college. His new girlfriend and I are juniors.

Long story short, I’ve just been getting hurt. We’re not having the same bond as before, we’re not doing the same things as before, and I realized my feelings too late, and now I can’t do anything about them. I find myself on days where I’m happy and grateful that I’m still friends with him, and other days I stress out about it a lot thinking, man, I missed my chance, and I don’t know if I will get a second chance. So what do I do?

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3 thoughts on ““I lost my chance with the guy who chased me for a year”

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    First off, you will get over him. It’s a matter of whether or not you want to. And to me, it’s pretty clear you don’t want to get over him … yet.

    To me, this is a classic case of you wanting what you can’t have. When he was available, you took his presence for granted. And now that he isn’t, you realize you want him.

    But as you yourself realize, you’ve lost your chance. He’s found someone else now. I think he still genuinely cares about you, but let’s face it, if he really wanted to be with you, then … well, he would be with you.

    I think it’s time to accept that you have to move on. If you can do this while being his friend … great. Stay friends. Be at his side still. Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like you can do this and remain emotionally stable. It sounds like being only his friend is seriously messing you up.

    For this reason, if you truly want to move on, my suggestion is to cut off contact with him. Maybe one day, you can be friends again. But not now. You’re only going to hurt yourself.

    Of course, it’s easy for a stranger on the internet to say this and know, objectively, that this is the best way to move on. It’s much harder for you to make that decision. I get that. I get that everything within you is going to want to hold onto him — any aspect of him that you can have, even if it’s only as friends. Because it gives you hope that you might still have a chance.

    And hey, you might actually have a chance. I can’t rule that out.

    Just know that the more you stay by his side and cling onto that hope right now, the harder it’s going to be to get over him and move on.

    • Anonymous says:

      Thank you Dennis Hong for replying to my situation. Currently we haven’t been talking because he felt like we both needed a break. So yeah it’s been a bit lonely tbh but I’ve been doing things to get my mind off of it. Good news is I haven’t cried by thinking about it in a while haha. Who knows if he’ll ever talk to me again.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      Hey, thanks for the follow-up. I’m glad you’re hanging in there.

      You can’t know if you’ll ever speak again, but … I really don’t think that’s the important thing at this point. As long as you’re moving on, that’s the important part. Good luck!

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