My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months, officially for six. Initially, I didn’t want to enter a relationship and wanted to keep casual, but he did things that made me feel like maybe he’s great. Unfortunately, I’ve had my fair share of bad/unhappy relationships, and though I found him attractive and liked him, I wanted to work on myself and develop a stronger friendship with him first.
At first, we had fun going out. He would be all over me, wanting to see me as often as possible, etc. So one day, I stupidly asked if I was the prettiest or one of the prettiest girls he had seen. He said, “no, definitely not.”
I tried not to fuss about it too much. I didn’t think much of it, because we were having fun. But then, when he stayed over, he would look at pics of nudes etc. when he thought I wasn’t looking. I started to get insecure and asked questions about why I’m not as pretty, and he would roll his eyes and say, “why does it matter?”
I would message him the same when he wasn’t around, and he just became withdrawn and less wanting to talk. He starting getting less warm and less affectionate in public, which I asked about, and he just remarked that the honeymoon period is over. I tried to revamp it by sexting and being as wild as possible in the bedroom, taking him to dinner, buying him gifts, sending him cute messages, etc. But he would just lecture me and tell me to stop.
He also lectured me about how I spend my money in general, and told me what things I should wear and about my diet. I might add he agreed to a BDSM arrangement where he is my Master, but I think he is taking it wrong and just using it as an excuse to tell me what to do at times.
He also used to say only a certain type of girl was prettier, because that’s what he very much likes to look at, and after making him aware that I am insecure about the women in porn etc., he initially said, “I think of you while I watch it, and no, they aren’t the girls that are prettier then you.” And he said confidence is what is prettier in those girls etc.
Seriously I’ve tried everything to spice it up and gain his admiration and attention — BDSM, presents, strippers, even a swingers club. I will admit there was a time for six odd weeks where sex was extremely painful with him, because foreplay wasn’t enough with him and still isn’t. Fingering my lady parts for a few minutes until he is hard is his idea of foreplay, which I have talked to him about, and he’s like, “oh but I’m impatient etc.”
At that time, I went for all these tests to see about the issue, because I was worried he’d leave if I couldn’t perform. There were times he couldn’t keep hard, then would look at nudes when he thought I was asleep, even early on in the relationship.
Anyway, I confronted him about my pain and asked if he’d leave because of it, and he said it depended on how long it occurred for. I feel like I’ve made all these sacrifices for him. I quit smoking for him, cut down on drinking — yeah, I know both are unhealthy — but there’s heaps he didn’t like, all of which I have stopped.
He doesn’t want to acknowledge that he still compares the way I look to these so-called perfect women. Like, the other day, he admitted some of the women in porn are prettier then me, and when we hang out and aren’t getting freaky, he just sits on his phone. I have to instigate conversation, and he barely listens to me, but when talking to a prettier girl, his eyes light up as they talk. I ask him why he’s dating me still, and he says it’s because he loves my insecurity. I’ve even said we can be friends and I would help him get with one of the prettier girls he’d prefer, and he says, “no, I want you.”
He has said I’m smothering, which I guess I have been, though I WOULDN’T be if my mind wasn’t anxious or insecure over stuff like this. I don’t know what to do. I mean, I’m still attracted to him, but my head is aggravated and so filled with worries when it comes to us. He also has mentioned sharing another girl with me in the bedroom, and I wonder if that’s why he wants to keep dating — to have that arrangement. I really really need help please.