Hello all,
So, about a year ago, I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years as he was not helpful and in fact very self involved after my brother died. For a couple of months after he would message me sporadically to which I would either not reply or be off with him (in my eyes this ‘offness’ was warranted as the messages were very self-involved and about how HE was, when I was dealing with my brothers death). Anyway, he finally got the hint and stopped messaging.
However, for the past couple of months I’ve really missed him and can’t stop thinking about him. Things constantly remind me of things we did/liked/said etc. I’m not naïve and I have realised that this more or less began when he seemed to start seeing someone else. I know I am probably just jealous and just want him to want me instead of her but I am confused and scared that soon I will message him or something, especially if I drink. I cracked a couple of months ago and messaged him with some photos I had of him after getting a roll of film developed. He replied that he didn’t really know what to say and that he wasn’t ready to be friends just yet. I thought that this would placate me (not ready to be friends yet = not over me yet, right?!) but I’m now doubting that reasoning and thinking about it more.
I should probably point out that I currently have a boyfriend who I started seeing a couple of months after breaking up with the ex. I know I sound really jealous, selfish and horrible (and I’m sorry this is so long and rambly) but I think I just wanted to get this out and see what other people say. There is probably a lot more to this but I just can’t think how to put it down in writing. Thanks.
LemonVibe 
[I don’t know that you’re doing anything wrong if it’s nothing more than longing and guilt. You can feel things, and nostalgia has a way of creeping up on everybody once in a while. I wouldn’t recommend acting on it.
This relationship seems over and you’ve both have new ones. In time you could be friends but I would respect his wishes for space.
The one thing that does concern me is that you seem to enjoy the thought of him not being over you. Like I said, you can feel things. But to me, if that is the case, then yes, you are being selfish. Feel that privately. It won’t hurt others to feel it, but keep it to yourself.
[This is classic ‘wanting what you can’t have’ and what I say to everyone feeling this (including myself, when I last needed to hear it) is this:
TRUST YOURSELF.
You broke up with this guy for a reason. List the reasons again. No really, write them down. He’s self-centered, he’s arrogant, he is a total jerk and was never there for you even while you dealt with the death of a family member, and even after your breakup he STILL couldn’t talk about anything other than himself. I’m sorry what do you miss, exactly?
You’re 100% right that you’re only jealous because you wish he wanted you instead of her. This is normal, happens to most people, happens all the time. It’s a form of rejection — him finally being over you — and it stings, and it sucks but you know what? Get over it. Every time you feel the jealousy creeping up, remind yourself of how much he sucks. It’ll get easier the more you do it. Also, unfriend your ex, and his new girlfriend. Seriously. You can always become friends again when you’re both mature enough to handle it.
Regarding your current boyfriend, all I have to say is that if you can’t focus on him and treat him well, you should break up with him, too.