How to rebuild her trust?

I have been in a relationship with a girl for about 6 months. Everything has been great between us, but she has had many personal problems that she has had to deal with during that time. Mostly related to money.

We work at the same place, but different departments. I make much more than she does, and I have offered to help her many times because she means alot to me, but she has always turned down my help bease she didn’t want to be a pRobles for me.

A few weeks ago she told me about alot of new problems that came up, and I was worried about her, and if she was going to be ok. She made it sound like there was no way out of a bad situation. Eventually she didn’t want to talk to me about it anymore because she didn’t want to be a burden on me, and I just wanted to help in any way I could.

I was so worried, and felt like I had to do something, and I made the mistake of saying something to her manager about it. At the time it seemed like a good idea, because I know she really respected him and has confided in him about a lot of personal things in the past, but she saw it as me breaking her trust in something she told me in confidence. I’ve tried to appoligize, but she doesn’t want to talk to me about it. I know I did something stupid, but I wasn’t thinking clearly. All I did was worry constantly about what would happen to her and her kids, and in the fog of it all I had horrible judgment, and made a stupid choice despite my good intentions. Is there anything I can do to rebuild her trust in me? Even if she doesn’t want to be in a relationship, I really just want her to know that I never meant to hurt her, but I was just going crazy with worry, and I wasn’t thinking clearly, so I made a bad decision.

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3 thoughts on “How to rebuild her trust?

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [I can’t think of any way to respond that’s not blunt, so here it goes:

    What the fuck were you thinking? She confided in you about her personal problems, and you went and talked to her manager about them?

    No wonder she never wants to talk to you about anything. You seem unable to keep a personal matter … you know, personal. Obviously, I don’t know what her problems are (and no, I don’t want to know), but I can’t even comprehend how it could ever be something that warrants you talking to someone she works with. It is NOT your place to go over her head like this.

    I honestly don’t know if you can mend the relationship at this point. But if it is important to you that she understands you were coming from a place of concern, this is all you can really say to her at this point:

    “I’m so sorry. I know I’ve broken your trust, so I won’t ask you about anything personal ever again. Nor will I ever reveal any personal information about you ever again. I do care about you, though, and maybe one day, you’ll feel comfortable confiding in me again.”

    And then stop trying to help her when she’s made it clear she doesn’t want your help.

  2. Kelly says:

    [(I’m afraid this is going to be blunt, because there is a lesson to be learnt here.)

    Quite frankly, there is nothing YOU can do to ‘rebuild’ her trust.

    This isn’t a mailbox you knocked down, this is a delicately balanced set of emotions that you stomped all over in your attempt to be a White Knight. And, if you look honestly at yourself, you’ll see that that is just what you were trying to be. Her rescuer. Problem is, she proved to you, by repeatedly refusing your offers of financial aid, that she did not want you to rescue her.

    Regardless of this, you saddled up and went behind her back and tried to rescue her anyhow. And not in some quiet fashion, but by approaching her manager, a person in charge of her employment. (Imagine for a moment, if you will, that your Mommy turned up at your job and demanded a pay rise for her little boy because he does such a good job. Not dissimilar to what you did.) Obviously, because she has/had a good relationship with this supervisor, the manager was not part of the problem. Besides which, you don’t know what she has told the manager about her personal situation.

    Also, you mentioned children, this means that she is at least nominally an adult. An adult that after knowing for six whole months, you decided didn’t know her own mind and business well enough to not need your interference.

    You embarrassed her with a supervisor, possibly tarnishing his image of her competency, you’ve cast doubts on her ability to take care of her children and you have more than shown that how she feels about her personal, private life remaining that way matters not one jot.

    I’d say that the best you can do is apologize, then leave her alone. Just butt out. There is no explaining this away, no magic words, no fixes. Apologize so that at least you feel better, because she won’t.

  3. resullins says:

    [Yeah, I’m going to have to agree with the posters up there.

    You didn’t accidentally do something that made her question her trust in your. You deliberately went out of your way to tell someone else about her problems. Not only that, but you told someone that has to work with her! Even if she doesn’t lose her job, you have completely undermined any professionalism she may have developed at her job. Her boss will never be able to think of her the same.

    On a related note, your (ex)girlfriend seems to have problems that you shouldn’t be trying to solve on your own. She shouldn’t be dumping all this crap on you, and she seems to have a LOT of it. She needs to get some help, for the sake of her and her children.

    Apologize to her, tell her why you’re concerned, and urge her to talk to someone that can help.

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