Hey!
So, a little back story: I was in a very bad relationship for 7 years and have 3 children. My ex started a new job and within 3 weeks, he found a new coworker/girlfriend. Thus, leaving me and our three children. I was constantly put down and told I couldn’t do things, it was a pretty rough situation. Despite the circumstances, I’m happy it’s over and I’m free.
I have my children all the time (except when I’m working) and I’m happy about this… but a year has passed and I signed up for a dating site, not really looking, just seeing what was out there. And I met a GREAT guy.
I mean, perfect. Has kids and is a great dad, great job, incredibly funny and keeps me laughing, EXTREMELY handsome. And there lies the problem.
I’m not sure if my self esteem is just way down or if my feelings are legit. I feel hideous. He calls me beautiful all of the time and other things, so he’s obviously attracted to me, right?
We’ve been talking for two months and he really wants to just hang out. It shouldn’t be that hard. But I feel like my pictures are unintentionally misleading. My face is good, my body is a mess. I’ve taken pictures but they’re at great angles or something because they don’t seem to capture how heavy I really think I look.
I weigh about 200 pounds from terrible diet, back to back pregnancies, and lack of exercise. I’ve recently been going to the gym and lost 38 lbs. But I still feel like a huge monster.
I know he likes me and I like him, but I don’t want him to meet me and he be disappointed and me miss out on a great guy because he’s not physically attracted to me. Physical attraction isn’t everything but it’s still somewhat important.
My issue is, I could look great in 6 months to a year. I could lose weight and be good enough, but if I meet him now, I could ruin it.
Do I just get this over with and meet him? I know he wont wait forever. How can I get over this feeling? How do I handle it if he’s disappointed in what he’s meeting…
Any advice…?
LemonVibe 
[Any man that thinks you are too overweight to date isn’t worth your time ! Sweetie you should just get out there and rock your stuff wether he likes it or not !
[Well, if you were sending him intentionally misleading photos…how so? Most people self-edit and put up their best stuff. If you put up a photoshop or a pic from 10 years and 3 kids ago then you are probably due for an honest conversation with the guy beforehand. It has less to do with your weight and more to do with putting the cards on the table
It sounds like you aren’t going that extreme so you’ll probably be fine.
Also, his photos are also of himself-edited. Standing next to a short, ugly friend or next to a pile of money on a boat on top of another boat. We all put our best pictures out there and hopefully have realistic expectations
[Go you, 38 lbs that’s awesome. Even if you posted the most flattering photos of yourself – who cares that’s what everyone does. I know how you feel though…everyone wants to feel like they are attractive to their significant other. It seems even more important somehow when we find them so hot. You kind of wonder how you got so lucky. He sounds like he’s already good at telling you how he feels about your looks. Yep he sounds attracted to you – and he most likely is – and attracted to you as a person not just what you look like. The thing about attraction is that when it comes down to it, it is so much more than looks anyway. What have you been chatting about? Hopefully you have talked about a lot of stuff, so he has an idea about how things are for you. Have you been talking about going to the gym and your weight loss? There’s no harm in hinting at why you are shy to meet him either…everyone has hang ups about their appearance. I think if you try and stall meeting up with him for 6 months he will get the wrong message and think you are not keen at all. Just go for it. If you meet up and he says he’s not into you because of your weight, well at least you didn’t waste any more time on such a fuckwit!
[I do a lot of online dating. Like ALOT ALOT. And the single biggest complaint I hear from guys is about misleading pictures. Literally 95%+ of guys have this as a chief compliant. Whether that’s right or wrong is immaterial. It is what it is, and this is what you have to work with.
I’m not saying he *will* be disappointed, but you’d be better off sharing some more “accurate” pictures, as well as finding a way to work into normal conversation your journey with fitness. Maybe talk to him about what he does or something similar, to get a conversation started where you can share what you’ve accomplished so far and what your plans are for the future.
Finally, even if he’s ok with you as you are now (or would be), expectations are a major part of perception. So if he’s expecting something different when he meets you, he’s more likely to be disappointed in the reality than if he gets what he was expecting.
Everyone else is right though, that if he’s not into it you are better off without him. And you are both better off clearing the air before you meet. Will give you a better chance of success if/when you do meet, on top of it.
[A few comments that some of my friends made:
“Wow. She needs real therapy. The poor thing has been through a lot and needs to truly realize that beauty lies within. If this guy is so great he will support her through her weight loss journey.”
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“This isn’t anything to do with the writers size, it’s her self esteem after a crappy relationship. Betchya the former partner’s new girlfriend is younger and thinner.
She has built up the online guy into the ‘perfect man’, of course she isn’t going to be good enough! She’s never going to be, whether it’s six months or a year from now. There will always be /something/ that stops her.
But, this man has devoted two months to an online relationship. He is attracted to her, couple of rolls or not. And, in my experience, the good guys don’t see the rolls, not really. Just like women, they see what they want to see. Being in a gambling mood, I bet this guy would like what he saw if she just let him.”
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“As a former skinny person who has been every size from too skinny to too full, there’s a harsh reality ahead. 95% of men do NOT look beyond the weight. Any time I get past a size 10, men stop hitting on me. Drop back down to a 10; instant attention. SO, bottom line, she must first be happy with herself. Even if she was a size zero today, she may be a size 20 a decade down the line. She needs to find someone who appreciates who she is on the inside, no matter what size she is on the outside. People who appreciate your true beauty comment on it, regardless of your exoskeleton!”