should I trust blindly or take a stand and risk losing my partner

I want to trust my bf but I have a bad feeling about a girl we know. She was someone I have known long before I knew him. She has always been toxic. I have repeatedly told him I am not comfortable with her texting him or being on his facebook. Each time I have mentioned it he has blown up. He calls me psycho and says he is going to leave me. Keep in mind I have never acted jealous, only wanted to let him know that I do not want this toxic person in or lives. Something I said about her to him got back to me. That means my bf is still talking to her even though he knows I am deeply bothered by it. Okay so now that you know that part you must know this. All of the people mentioned including myself are middleaged. I own the house but I don’t have a job, My bf pays all of the bills. I was cheated on by others and I always got this same feeling. Its terrible to have someone who is jealous especially if you are not doing anything but at the same time I think I have the right to protect myself. Help me out please, I need some guidance. signed Camire~

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22 thoughts on “should I trust blindly or take a stand and risk losing my partner

  1. resullins says:

    [Well, you’re actually missing the most important part of this story. Whether or not this woman is toxic, whether or not your boyfriend is doing anything inappropriate, none of that matters in the slightest.

    The part of this that matters is the INSANELY BS way your boyfriend asks when you talk to him about it. Now, I’m making a large assumption here, in that I’m assuming you talked to him in a logical, level-headed, non-accusatory manner about your concerns. Now, if you pointed fingers, or got whiny, or anything like that… the rest of my advice may not be as pertinent.

    When you talk to your significant other about something that’s concerning you, no matter what the issue, a supportive SO will at least ATTEMPT to commiserate with you. They will listen to your concerns. What they will NOT do, is blow up at you and threaten to leave. This is a completely unhealthy relationship.

    I say leave him!!! Get out. You can do SO much better. There is absolutely no need to fill your life with toxic people and people that threaten to leave you over a legit concern. These kinds of people will do nothing but drag you down.

    And yes, there’s definitely something going on between Toxic and BF. That’s pretty clear. But again, doesn’t matter in this situation. Even if there wasn’t anything going on, you should still leave him.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’m going to play a bit of devil’s advocate to Res’s response. Without knowing the exact details of how these conversations have played out, if all you’re saying is that you “have a bad feeling” about this girl, and that she’s “toxic,” I can kind of understand why your boyfriend isn’t going to put that much weight into your words. Res is, after all, assuming that you’ve brought up the issue in a logical, rational way.

    At the same time, there is NO excuse for him to call you psycho. That to me is an immediate dealbreaker, as that suggests that he either 1) has zero respect for you as a person, or 2) is a overreacting, unsympathetic asshole.

    Neither of those bodes well for your relationship.

    • resullins says:

      [You’re right, I’m assuming. But I am making that assumption along side the fact that he’s obviously irrational based on his response. If that makes sense.

      But of course, I could be wrong. It’s happened once or twice.

  3. DavidIsGreat says:

    [He shouldn’t explode at you, but this suggests that you don’t fully trust him. I can see the reason he responds in such a way.

    You can have a bad feeling and want him to stop talking with this person, but if he doesn’t think he is doing anything wrong, what harm is there in him talking to her? The harm is that you are hurt by him talking to her, which could be reason enough for him to stop. But has he been unfaithful in the past? Is there a history of him being inappropriate with this or other women? Is all he doing talking with this person or is there more?

    I don’t know the answer to any of these, but from my perspective, if he’s been faithful and he’s only talking with someone you don’t like he almost certainly feels like he isn’t trusted, and he feels like he doesn’t deserve it.

    Now, he should be considering your feelings and if it is bad for your relationship for him to continue talking with this person he should consider stopping. But are you considering that he feels mistrusted?

    If he hasn’t done any of this past unfaithful behavior, I think you ought to be prepared for pushback about this.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yeah, that’s what I was trying to point out. If she’s being kind of accusatory towards him for no tangible reason, then of course, he’s not going to understand her side of it.

      Still doesn’t give him a pass to be a dick. But at least I can understand *why*.

    • DavidIsGreat says:

      [Yes, but even if she brings it up in a non accusing way. Even if she just says it in as nice and polite of a way as she can think of, the underlying message is “I don’t trust you”.

      Even if he responds in the most polite and nice way possible (he isnt), then he still has a right to feel hurt by it.

      The feelings are going to be the same because of the content of the message. The delivery matters, but an honest conversation sometimes hurts no matter how it is said

    • resullins says:

      [See, I completely disagree. We don’t know how long they’ve been together. We don’t know if he’s ever done anything to make her question that trust. For all we know, there may be no trust on either side here. And that may not necessarily be a bad thing.

      Maybe this is a new relationship, and the trust is still being built. Trust is NOT something that just happens naturally. It’s something that has to be earned and worked on, by both parties. So I feel like her bringing up her concerns, if done in the right way, is a step in that direction. He needs to be able to trust that she will be honest with him about her feelings. And HE needs to start building her trust about this woman. If he were to handle this with care and an ounce of understanding, she may very well react by, I don’t know, beginning to trust that this guy has her interests and concerns in mind.

      If she’s going to set a precedent of just harboring all those emotions (no matter how irrational) then she’s going to go down a VERY bad path. I’ve been in this situation twice with my (now) husband. The first time, I pointed out that his interactions with a certain woman were completely crossing the line. He had known this woman since before he had known me, and she’d always been flirty (borderline throwing herself at him), so he’d never noticed. He finally saw that what she was doing was completely out of bounds and stopped. He hasn’t talked to that woman in 5 years. The second time he TOLD me I was being irrational and paranoid, and then showed me. And he was right. Second woman ended up marrying husband’s best friend, she’d never had any interest in husband. But the fact that he dealt with it logically and calmly and actually addressed my fears built my trust!

      TLDR; she’s going to have uncertainties in the relationship. Sometimes they are justified, sometimes not. But she HAS to be able to bring those up, and he HAS to deal with them with at least a modicum of respect and kindness. Trust needs to be built on BOTH sides.

    • DavidIsGreat says:

      [Res it doesn’t sound like we disagree on this. We’re both saying they both need to talk about it with respect for one another.

      I think the difference is in your scenario you’re assuming the trust hasn’t been earned yet but in mine it should have been.

      Oither than that the message is still more or less the same?

    • resullins says:

      [But that’s the thing… it OBVIOUSLY hasn’t been earned, or else she wouldn’t be having this problem, would she? If he’s never done anything wrong, that’s one thing. But the fact that he’s blowing up at her and threatening to leave her every time it’s brought up is, in and of itself, a problematic behavior that IS a problem. So he’s not free of blame here.

      Him blowing up isn’t “a little pushback,” and is completely unjustified no matter what the situation. So no, I don’t think we are arguing the same point.

      He’s breaking her trust every time he responds the way he does… so he doesn’t deserve her trust.

    • resullins says:

      [I think it was the “she’s not really helping her own cause here” that seems to me to be shifting blame to her, and away from him… which is my entire problem.

      But I can see how we’re at least in the same ballpark!

    • resullins says:

      [Oh, I know it’s all your fault!

      But it said to me that you two were concurrent in that line of thought, you know? And maybe that was my logical leap…

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Of course. We’re ganging up on the girl. What else would you expect us to do?

    • DavidIsGreat says:

      [I don’t think either of them are behaving correctly in this scenario.

      Sorry anonymous. Just my two cents on the matter.

  4. N Ryder says:

    [“I was cheated on by others and I always got this same feeling.”
    You’re admitting here that your issue is you are afraid of being cheated on, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve brought that up with him specifically. You have a feeling, you might be right, but if your concern is that he’s going to unfaithful, confront him directly about that concern, don’t just vaguely say you don’t like this woman.

    “Its terrible to have someone who is jealous especially if you are not doing anything”
    Yes. Yes it is. You being suspicious is not going to help anything whether he’s cheating or not, except that you’ll later be able to say “I knew it” and really, is that going to make you feel better?

    “but at the same time I think I have the right to protect myself.”
    Here’s the line I have a problem with. You say this as if telling your boyfriend who he can and can’t talk to is protecting you. Think about it, if he IS cheating on you he already doesn’t care what you want, he’ll just end up continuing to talk to her and lie to you about it more. If he’s not, he’ll feel like you’re jealous and controlling (which I would interpret his use of the word “psycho” as he already feels that way, whether it’s true or not).

    Honestly I think your only options are to trust him or to leave him. If you want to straight up confront him about whether he’s cheating, do that. But don’t lay down an ultimatum because you “have a bad feeling” If you continue to stay with him and try to control him and tell him who he can talk to because you don’t trust him, it’s not going to work.

    • .. says:

      [All very sensible and insightful comments but that feeling the knot in your stomach that stops you eating, sleeping and thinking straight is unbearable and has a huge impact on your everyday life, your physical and mental well being. I think his explosion at you is a way to make you defensive and make you want to protect your family unit at all costs.. Even your own sanity, my advice would be to look after you and your kids, put yourself first and make sure you feel healthy and in a good place, be confident and happy in your own space.. If he hasn’t been unfaithful thats brilliant and you should trust him as an adult and someone who loves you to Make the right decisions.. your happiness should be important to him, but there’s level of inappropriate behaviour if there’s deception involved… Always believe your gut, our intuition recognises when somethings not quite right.. Good luck and I sincerely hope it all works out..

    • .. says:

      [Sorry I don’t even know if you have kids, made an assumption and one should never assume..

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