I don’t think I am good enough for him

I am in extreme over thinker, so today after talking to my boyfriend and talking about the reason why I don’t like drinking and all my past history and stress related to it. I started to think about everything and why I feel the way I do how come such little things over stress me, why I have such issues, with our relationship when I know I love this man and I want it to work more then anything. I think I may be suffering from depression….. It’s a hard thing to admit but the tiniest bit of stress seems like a catastrophe. When I’m extremely stressed, My heart starts to race, my body starts trembling and I find myself short of breath. My body has been aching for months and I’m starting to wonder if it is the depo shot I’m on making me think of self harming thoughts or if life finally broke me. I never have energy, I don’t want to see people or be around people, and I could sleep for days if I could. The more I feel this way the more I want to hide from everyone. I can’t talk to anyone about it because I’m ashamed because i am supposed to be this strong single mother of 4 that can’t be taken down no matter what life throws at her but why does life have to throw so much. Can’t it take some back. 2 years ago I was obliviously happy, with my kids dad, he treated me in controlling ways but I had become accustomed to that life. This time 2 years ago I had a beautiful baby boy in my arms a husband that I thought was being a helpful father helping out with my children. Then 3 months from that my life as I knew it turned to a dark storm or betrayal, hurt,and lies. I found out he was molesting my two older children. I’m still so devastated, almost 2 years later it hurts, I don’t talk about it because, no one wants to think about such a horrible things. Or everyone wants to know how much time he got, what about how we are holding up, what about where do we go from here. I have this great big fake smile, but I’m really dying on the inside. I feel so alone in my world, wish I knew where to go. My boyfriend drinks not when where together but off with his friends and I just get so upset I hate drinking my parents were alcoholics left us all over the place I ended up being hurt by drunks they left us with. then when I was 17 I was raped by a drunk. my oldest son father from first relationship drank all the time cheating on me everywhere and with everyone. then when I was in my twenties after my dad killed himself I became a drunk drinking everyday until I met my second husband. so I can’t stand drinking and I have trust issues after what my kids dad did to them. When he’s drinking I’m stressed because I’m wondering what he’s doing or who he’s with . But he calls me all the time. Then we argue because I don’t want him drinking. When and actuality he’s not really doing anything he’s doing it responsibly but I feel as if I’m not good enough for him. Well I ever be able to trust him or any man for that matter maybe I should just be working on myself and my issues but if I end it, am I giving up on something that could be great. By trying to destroy it before it can really even start. Inside I’m this little girl wanting to be loved and taken care of, but I’m terrified of life, scared that he’ll hurt me and will that be the straw that broke the camels back. I think writing all this down I gave myself the answer I needed. I need to give this man a chance, he is not my past, but he may very will be my future.

2 thoughts on “I don’t think I am good enough for him

  1. Dan says:

    [I know you’re trying to focus on your bf drinking but I think you’re deflecting many other issues!! If you aren’t comfortable with his behavior don’t see him any more, easy.

    However, you have grown a life of being/playing the victim. Seek professional counciling. Talk to your family and close friends (assuming you have some you can trust with anything!). This isn’t ok and you can do better.

    Good luck, take action to help yourself!

    • nightowl says:

      [So many issues here. Yep you need to get some professional help for sure. This is all heavy shit to be dealing with, and I don’t think you can do it on your own. Those are classic symptoms of depression, I recognise them from being there myself and from friends who have been depressed. It’s not really about your boyfriend and his drinking. It’s about what’s happened to you and your kids. Please get some help, there are many people that can give you the support you need – ask your doctor, find support groups in your area – alcoholics anonymous, victim support, groups that deal with rape and child abuse. There is help out there you just need to make the choice to help yourself.

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