21. Single. Pregnant. Terrified. Depressed.

I’m 7 weeks pregnant. 21. Single. Confused. Terrified.
I was in a relationship with a man I had been working with for roughly 6 months. I loved & love him still, much to my dismay. He’s extremely jealous, round-about controlling, and has a short and violent temper. He’s about a decade older than I and has 3 children, all of which are from different mothers. I adore his children.
I moved in with this man for about 2 months. Over the course of our relationship I changed dramatically trying to be what he expected. I couldn’t do my hair, or makeup. I wasn’t allowed to wear certain clothes. I had to show him what I was wearing to work before I left the house because he was so paranoid and jealous. I would have to send him photos of anyone that came into my office if they were men and as I mentioned, he worked with me, so many times he would rush in to make sure I had no contact with men, even looking their direction was a no no. It made my job difficult and something I dreaded.
He was very jealous one day about what exactly I don’t recall other than it was concerning a man. He said he was throwing my things out on the porch and that he hated me, I was a s***, a cheater, a liar. (When in reality I didn’t so much as look the direction of other men). I got my things from the house & moved back in with my parents. Our work place forbid us from continuing our relationship. I got a new number.
We avoiding each other for a few weeks. We started sneaking to see one another. Every evening & night. Things changed, I no longer am not allowed to do my hair and makeup and for the most part I can wear what I choose.
I got pregnant, we were both excited, we hadn’t been using contraceptives. He encouraged me to quit my job (only because he didn’t want me around the men). I began thinking what my life would be like. He didn’t want necessarily want me to finish college because I would get a job with other men. He was very verbally abusive and though I hoped it would change it never did no matter how much I begged and explained that I couldn’t take it and should have to. He agreed I shouldn’t have to and he repeatedly said he was sorry, but it stayed the same.
I felt unheard and taken for granted. He seemed so unstable. Financially and emotionally.
One day he asked me to go with him to pick up his son. Quite a Lengthy drive. I didn’t say yes, but I couldn’t say no. I knew he wouldn’t take it well. He was tired of hiding our relationship, my parents are our bosses. If I chose to tell them I was going with him I would lose my job and have to move out with a baby on the way.
He left to get his son. He sped off, making a show of his anger. That was “the end”. Though I knew it wasn’t, it’s part of his personality to yell and day cruel things.
He called 2 hours later past drunk, driving with his 2 sons in the car. Yelling. Calling me a fat, ugly worthless s***. He said he was going to kill me and he would be to my house in an hour. He was going to do terrible things to me. I was scared and called the police, his anger is uncontrollable and he’s very violent, though never has touched me in a violent manner. My parents contacted the owner of the company and fired him. He no longer has a job and has to move out of the housing the company provided for free.
We have had no contact since. It’s been 1.5 weeks.
He has good to his personality too, obviously he does or I wouldn’t have been interested in the first place. I’m confused as to why I love him still, I suspect I always will. I feel horribly guilty that he lost his job and house, but I tell myself that I didn’t make him do the things he did.
This baby. I don’t know what to do. I’m terrified to be pregnant alone and give birth alone and raise him or her alone. I miss him terribly, but I know that being with him is not a good decision if he can’t treat me well. The baby will be raised without a father… Possibly visits on the weekend. (That in itself makes me nervous, his parenting can be violent and angry and he drinks soooo so much).
If I have this baby life as I imagined it won’t be possible. I’ll be a single mother. I’ve had bouts of depression from a young age and feel I’m sinking back into it. I’ve thought about suicide more than i can say.
I don’t know that I could live with abortion though. I hoesntly don’t. As much as I think it may be the best decision for my circumstances I think of this perfect little baby that’s a mixture of myself and his or her father I love, but can’t be with.
My heart feels torn in to. I read article after after article, I talk to a few close friends, I pray. I need help. I’m not sure I could live with adoption either. Knowing I gave my child up and no knowing if it’s well, it living with the fact that he or she was given up, unwanted. I’m not sure that th father would allow that either.
Please don’t be cruel with your responses. I know the story is jumbled and filled with bad decision making, but I’m a person. A person who’s living with her bad decisions and had turned to the Internet for anonymous advice
Thank you.
#help #abortion #adoption #parenting #badrelationship #love #terrified #baby #single #21 #advice

5 thoughts on “21. Single. Pregnant. Terrified. Depressed.

  1. with says:

    [This is lit ,s !!!So much you explained .You make you disturbed,now cut off from talks,least till problem and is one baby ,nothing but you can be a convincing person ,of your husband ,wanting shelters,no body sait yet,it is not an impossible man ,he is not super natural .

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Wow. You’ve given us a lot to process, so you may need to give us time to respond. We’ll be here, though. Please just hang tight for now.

  3. resullins says:

    [Ok. I have a lot to say here, so please bear with me.

    1. This man is abusive. Maybe not physically (yet), but emotionally at the very least. He calls you names, tells you he hates you, manipulates you into doing what he wants… and he does ALL of this (presumably) knowing you have had previous issues with depression. That’s absolutely CRUEL on his part. He’s toying with your life.

    2. This man is a HORRIBLE parent. You’ve even acknowledged that in your wish not to have your potential child as part of his brood. He drives drunk with his children in the car. That fact alone should not only be cause for you to never let this man have a child, but also for you to CALL CPS! He should NEVER have access to his children. Record those conversations. Call his children’s mothers. Find out where he is and call the police. ANYTHING! He is endangering his own children. If that fact is not enough to make you run screaming from anything to do with this man, nothing will.

    2A. What the HELL kind of man does this guy think he is that he can control everything you do? You have to take pictures of people that come into your office? Are you KIDDING me? I’m getting super angry just typing this… and granted, I’m an angry person, but I’m going to guess it’s justified this time. Do you have any hopes that his chauvinistic and controlling bullshit will stop in the future? Because it won’t. It never will. You will be living with this at its worst… for as long as this man is in your life.

    3. You are a person. That much is obvious. A robot could not have come up with a story like this. That does not mean that you’re not in need of a tiny bit of a come to jesus meeting. The decisions you’re making are unhealthy for you, for your family, and possibly for a child. STOP making these decisions. No matter what you choose to do about the pregnancy, you’re going to have to start making better decisions. Period. End of story. You say you’re living with your bad decisions, but you’re not… you’re still wondering what to do with them, or you wouldn’t be asking us for advice. So buck up a little bit, and take responsibility for your part in this cluster ****.

    4. The pregnancy. Here we are. You have three options. That’s it. And all of them you’ve CLEARLY stated you’re uncomfortable with… so that leaves us in a bit of a pickle here, sweetheart.
    a. You have the baby. If you choose this option, and you value your child, you HAVE to get this man out of your life, and possibly the child’s. That’s easier said than does, I’m aware. But it can be done. Gather proof of his terrible parenting, contact the other mothers if you have to, and file for sole custody on the grounds of neglect and incompetence. You absolutely can NOT have this man in your child’s life. He will destroy that child. Emotionally, possibly physically, but certainly permanently. And as long as he is in your child’s life, he will be in yours. Is that something you want to live with? You will also have to move out of your parents’ house… you can’t raise a child while dependent on your parents. And you need to start that process now.
    b. Adoption. I think this is probably your most viable option, if you’re TRULY against abortion. Seriously. People that adopt are people that validly want children so badly they will give up every single thing they have to love one. Your child will be ok if you go this route. And you will be ok. You can finish school. You can extract Sir Twatwaffle up there. And you can live your life knowing you gave your child a better life.
    c. Abortion. This is probably what I would do. You’re obviously a person with a slightly addictive personality when it comes to people. No one would stay with Mr. Cuntsalot unless they did. You will have a HARD time giving up that baby if you see it. Which is why I would recommend against attempting adoption. You will want to keep that baby. And the post-partum hormones will make you all sorts of warm and squishy towards Dr. Von-fuckface, and you will end up going around this merry-go-round again.

    IF you decide not to abort, you have a responsibility to get the father out of the child’s life. FOREVER. I don’t think I can emphasize this enough. Please… give me your cell number and I will text you that every day if that’s what you need.

    Ok… I’m still processing, and I will most assuredly have more to say… but I think this is enough for now.

  4. CompassionateSanDiegan says:

    [I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a difficult time! It sounds very serious and stressful and I would strongly recommend that you go speak to a professional right away. You’re not going to get what you really need right now from an online forum. You can start by going to Planned Parenthood and get some counseling from them about options and your current situation. If there’s any way that you can see a therapist either through your insurance, community agency, or private practice, depending on what you can afford, then I think you should seek that out immediately. You really need support right now from a trained professional, or at the least, a trusted adult who can help you through this. There are probably underlying reasons why you are allowing yourself to be mistreated, and please know that you deserve better than that. We can’t always control who we feel love for but we can control who we allow in our lives, and how we let others treat us. More importantly right now though is your safety and wellbeing. Please get some help for yourself, right away.

  5. Joyce says:

    [Hi hun,
    Like Dennis said, it is a lot to process.

    First, I want to tell you, good job for even getting to the point of “I need to get out of this relationship forever”. As you have acknowledged, it is not a healthy relationship, and further, not a relationship anyone should be in. However, it is your decision what to do from this point on. I want to tell you a little about myself and relationships I’ve experience in my past, while nothing to the point of what you went through, I understand a little.

    My ex-stepfather lost his job and become very controlling, wouldn’t let my mom out at night, would get mad if men looked at her (she is gorgeous! 🙂 ), wouldn’t give my mom or myself, my sisters any money, we had to keep the house cleaned–even a piece of thread on the carpet would make him blow up. He was financially, mentally, and verbally abusive. My father, similar, choked my mom, and drove drunk with my sisters and I in the car. We had an accident when I was 10. My mom made the courageous decision to divorce both of them (at different times, of course). When I turned 21 I met a man who was my fiancee at the time; he was similar to my ex-stepfather–was financially, verbally and mentally abusive to me. When the light bulb came on for me, I left. The reason I left was because I realized it was domestic abuse and that no one should treat me like crap or make me feel worthless; I do not have to take it. All of these men had good points in their personality like everyone, they were always nice to people outside the family, they are funny, they provided for us, etc. None of them ever directed us to the extreme of what we can and cannot wear or take photos of any man we ran into, etc., however, going through those experiences made me a stronger and better person. My ex-fiancee told me I would never achieve my goal of being an attorney, well, thankfully I left him because I did achieve that goal. The decision to leave him also led me to a happier life. Based on what you said, you are not happy and never will, despite his good side, your unhappiness will continue if you stay with him. You are a victim of domestic abuse. Please find the help you need; there are domestic violence shelters and domestic violence clinics at a courthouse near you to get a restraining order if needed. Domestic violence is not just physical abuse, but mental, verbal and financial.

    Please, if you have any further questions, please ask!!

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