Relationship advice needed, physical abuse..

I had a wonderful relationship for 10 years. Then my wife cheated; unable to forgive her, we split up. Been dating now for a couple of years. Recently, my latest girlfriend has been abusive, physically. She gets drunk, angry, she bites, punches, scratches, and breaks my stuff. I can fight back, and I have, but she’s no match for me and I must restrain myself so I won’t hurt her. She was physically abused as a child, and in a previous marriage. Law enforcement has been involved in our relationship. Advice?

3 thoughts on “Relationship advice needed, physical abuse..

  1. resullins says:

    [No advice… but a question. Why are you even still with this woman? If she’s getting that drunk that often, then she has much bigger problems than you can deal with. She needs help, and she needs to do it by herself.

    You need to walk away from this relationship. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, but this is only going to get worse.

  2. Dan says:

    [Well… she’s an alcoholic and since I don’t see anything in your blurb about seeking outside help or leaving, you’re enabling. This is a very serious issue thus options are limited. Either set boundaries and seek professional help or leave. I don’t get the impression you are particularly in love (again, so little said it’s tough to know) that I would leave and tell her why. If you do leave, be gone. Don’t check-in and try to help etc.

    • PetiteSauvage says:

      [You have to leave. Yeah, it sucks. This person is probably awesome at other times, right? There are probably times when you feel a real connection- or at the very least, you don’t want to leave because you feel like her problems are not all her fault. You’re right. Still- you have to leave. As long as you are connected to this person and they stay on this path, you will be dragged down this path with them. Abuse victims often harbor a lot of bitterness, fear, and rage- things they try to drown out with drinking or drugs and end up unleashing on the ones closest to them- almost necessarily people who are not connected with the original abuse. This doesn’t mean they are horrible people, even if they do horrible things.
      That being said, this is not an issue you can fix, nor is it your responsibility to try. Even if you were a trained psychologist, simply being in a relationship with her means you are not the right person to help her change her behaviors and deal with her emotions. If it helps you to leave without feeling like an asshole, offer resources and supportive services. Do an internet search or make a few calls.
      Try to get her in touch with someone who CAN help. But still leave.

      If the reason you aren’t leaving is because you hate being alone and the wound of your old marriage still haunts you (that’s really the only reason I can see as to why you mentioned it), then leave and also seek counseling for yourself. A good counselor will not put you on medication unless you actually need it, and despite what you may have heard, it isn’t necessarily paying a lot of money to lie on a couch and talk about your mother to a stranger, nor is it something only people who have visions or hear voices need.

      We all try- at least in small ways- to take care of our physical bodies, yet there is a stigma attached to seeing a physician when it comes to caring for the health of our minds. Look- police have been called and for some reason you could not accept cheating but you now deal with abuse from someone you are not even legally tied to (I’m not saying you should accept cheating, nor am I trying to imply that abuse is more understandable if you are married). I’m just pointing out that life is full of tough choices, strange turns, and lots of things we can only barely hope to cope with sometimes… You made a tough choice once and it’s hard to make another tough choice now- especially if by comparison your brain likes to fall back on the thought, “yeah, this sucks…but at least she isn’t cheating on me”. That’s a valid emotion. It in no way means abuse is something you can or should put up with. Not even if you recognize that this person acts the way they do out of pain. Leave. Help her get help if it makes leaving easier. Get help for yourself if you (even remotely) suspect you need it. And best of luck! Please keep us updated.

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