Found condoms

The skinny: I am a man with a girlfriend of 2 years. We are both in other relationships (complicated) but in effect have agreed to be monogamous with each other. We are in love and relationship is as good as can be given our circumstances. Recently, she was asked to housesit for a lesbian friend. My girlfriend invited me over to the friend’s house while she was away and we spent an early evening and the next afternoon together there at the house. While we were lying in the friend’s bed the afternoon in question, she discovered 2 used condoms in the trash next to the bed. I saw them–they did not appear to have anything in them. She acted shocked and disgusted, as did I. We openly wondered about them, being that we also found lube and sex toys belonging to the friend. As stated, the friend is a lesbian and has never been with a man. She does have a girlfriend, also a full lesbian.

My girlfriend stayed the entire night before I was there on her own, as well as after 9pm the night I was with her. We had a lot of sex the night I was there, and did not use condoms. We have never used them once in our relationship. As mentioned, my girlfriend has another relationship I know about (existed before I met her). I’m not sure if she has or would use them in that relationship. She denied her ‘other man’ was ever there, and it is assumed no other man would have been there. As mentioned, we have agreed to be monogamous outside of our other relationships (again, complicated). If it had been her ‘other man’ she would not admit this to me, for various reasons, nor would she ever admit to being with someone else, so I am left having to trust her or not.

The circumstances to her finding the condoms was such that as I was within 2 feet of the trash can when she looked in and saw them. She then showed me. Either she was surprised someone she had been with had placed them there or they weren’t hers and she was genuinely shocked.

My initial reaction was to wonder who they could have been used by. She saw my questioning look, but I quickly got over it when I discounted her cheating on me. Now she acts hurt and offended due to me thinking they were from her and someone else. I feel she was justified in being hurt (if she is innocent) and I feel justified in having an initial questioning reaction (used condoms in the lesbian’s bedroom she used for 2 nights without me). I understand someone feeling like they aren’t trusted. It’s not a good feeling. I will say I have never disbelieved her before and my reaction lasted only moments before we moved on from it. She told me if the shoe had been on the other foot she would not have suspected me even for a moment. I strongly doubt this, knowing her the way I do.

I am in a quandary. I won’t get into the dynamics of our relationship other than to say we are very emotionally and physically connected. Our ‘other’ relationships are not like that.


1) Chances the condoms were hers, given the circumstances?

2) If they weren’t hers, what other plausible explanations?

3) Am I an asshole for even suspecting her, or is that a normal reaction given those circumstances?


5 thoughts on “Found condoms

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [I don’t think it’s wrong for you to be suspicious given the circumstances. That said, if you’re going to be in an open (or open-ish) relationship, you have to trust completely. Otherwise what’s the point?

    Based on things you’ve mentioned (“nor would she ever admit to being with someone else” and “I strongly doubt this, knowing her the way I do”) I sense that this relationship may not be as open and trusting as you think. You don’t find it a far stretch that she’d lie to you. So maybe you need to first admit to yourself that you don’t trust her completely. Then maybe reevaluate the relationship from there.

    To possibly help ease your mind, since you mentioned the condoms were used but empty, it’s possible they were used as a precaution with sex toys in a lesbian relationship. Further, some people even have a condom fetish (men use them to masturbate, women use them on their sex toys because they like the feel or the smell or whatever). It’s not out of the question that lesbians would have them.

    • Thom says:

      [Thanks for the response. Update: yesterday (Halloween) we were sitting in her car talking. We each had separate plans that night (me with my ‘other’ relationship, she supposedly with hers). Her cell rang and a number popped up on her car’s radio screen from Bluetooth. She didn’t answer. It wasn’t her ‘other’ half; I know this because it was a far-away out-of-state number.

      That got me thinking. She has recently started taking phone calls in another room when I’m over at her place. She never used to do that. She also has started placing her cell phone face down whenever I’m near. She also never used to do that. Additionally, when we go to the gym, she no longer asks me to pocket her cell phone…again, she always used to have me do that.

      It’s obvious to me that I don’t trust her anymore because the signs that she’s talking/seeing someone else are pretty clear. Sucks, but I’m not nave and signs are signs. I’m pretty much not taking her seriously anymore and am basically waiting until I’m emotionally ready to leave this situation.

      Thanks for your help.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yeah, it’s obvious that you don’t trust her anymore, but maybe it’s worth a conversation with her before you dismiss her entirely? Explain that you’ve noticed her being secretive about her phone. Ask her what’s going on with that. And then make your decision after you hear her out.

      If you feel it’s time to stop taking the relationship seriously, fair enough. But again, polyamory relationships need to be built on trust and communication. And it sounds like you have neither of those right now. So I guess you have to decide for yourself whether you want to build (or rebuild) that at this point, or if it’s time to move on….

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Pretty much everything Erica said. Just because someone is a lesbian doesn’t mean that she would never use condoms for anything.

    But more importantly, if you’re going to be in a polyamorous relationship, you have to have your trust nailed down. And it doesn’t sound like you really do. As such, maybe this issue is worth a discussion with your girlfriend. How can you maintain your outside relationships, but still trust one another?

    • Thom says:

      [Thanks for your reply also. Please see my response above to Erica. Man’s perspective on the phone situation, in light of the condom find? Or is my mind filling in everything to the negative and prophesizing something that could be innocent or coincidence?

      I’m a huge believer in listening to your gut, and right now mine screams that she is talking to–and more probably–seeing someone else. Thoughts?

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