Relationship Advice

Hi

I have been dating my current girlfriend for about 8 months now. We have gone through a few bumps in this time and worked through them together. I am absolutely in love with her and would do anything for her. She is very independent and very stubborn. We live very different lives as she works about 6 – 7 days a week doing what she loves. The only time i get to spend with her is the odd day she is off or the evenings i visit her. I dont work nearly as much ad have WAY more time on my hands. I support her fully with her career choice. I am there when she needs me for support. Our intimate life is suffering now too. Working such long hours and days makes her exhausted most of the time. She has a dog she loves dearly and it feels like she is more inclined to make time for him than me. We both got flu recently and all i wanted was to take care of her but she wanted none of that. I got really ill and asked if i could stay with her until i felt better. Its been a very up and down roller coaster few days. I am feeling very confused and have no idea which way to turn. I am so in love with her that it would kill me if i lost her because i did not try hard enough. I saw a message from her uncle asking her if she’s married yet. Her reply was that she doesnt think she will ever get married. This is what i want and she has told me she thinks about it.

How do i approach this confusion and get her to talk to me?

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5 thoughts on “Relationship Advice

  1. Joanna says:

    [As someone whose boyfriend worked at 2 jobs (f/t and p/t) which made for 13 hour days for a long time (years), it totally kills the relationship. I actually broke up with him because of this and only got back together when he was fired from the p/t job.

    It is important for people in a relationship to have space and time to do things by themselves. When my boyfriend was working 2 jobs, I demanded that he spend weekends (which were his downtime) 100% with me. He needed space to do things by himself and when he wanted to do that, I felt insulted like I wasn’t good enough to spend time with.

    Your girlfriend has a limited amount of downtime; some that she spends with you and some that she wants to spend doing things she wants to do. You have to understand that. If this is what it’s going to be like for the foreseeable future, I’d say this relationship is doomed.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’m going to be blunt. This line threw up a red flag for me:

    “I am so in love with her that it would kill me if i lost her because i did not try hard enough.”

    Given how you’ve described the situation, I think it’s pretty clear you’re way more into her than she is into you. As such, it could be that you’ve been getting a bit smothering, and she’s using work and her dog owner responsibilities as a way to distance herself.

    At this point, my advice is to give her some space. If she’s passionate about work — great! Let her do her work. If she loves her dog dearly — awesome! Her dog depends on her way more than you do. It sounds like you’re right there for her every minute of every day, and that’s simply not what she needs or wants.

    Instead, start doing your own stuff. Find your own life. Come up with things to do with yourself or your friends when she’s busy. And most importantly, give her a chance to miss your presence.

    Because there’s nothing that kills attraction like someone you’re already kind of “meh” about constantly being there. And honestly, I think that’s what you’re doing right now.

    Either way, you should never be in a position where losing someone would “kill” you. Now, I do hope that you’re speaking figuratively here, but the way you’ve described everything tells me that, on some level, you mean it. And man, that’s going to be a huge turn-off for someone who’s as independent as you’ve described your girlfriend to be.

  3. EricaSwagger says:

    [Before even reading the comments, I had copied this line just like Dennis:

    “I am so in love with her that it would kill me if i lost her because i did not try hard enough.”

    That’s really unhealthy. You should never base your happiness and self worth on someone else. You need to back off, you need to get a grip, and you need to start living your own life. Get some hobbies or another job to pass the time. Take up knitting or crossfit or try to cook new things. Do anything you freaking want, but leave your girlfriend out of it.

    You say you will support her 100% and you love her but I’m not getting the sense that she feels the same, which is a huge issue. A relationship should have more balance than that. It’s kind of pathetic to care so much and try so hard for someone who doesn’t seem to put in the same effort. It’s just sad.

    But honestly thought, it’s not really your fault, this is human nature. This is where the idea of “playing hard to get” comes from. One person is unavailable, so the other person wants them even more. It’s a classic scenario that people fall into all the time. It’s an awful pattern and its not your fault you let yourself get into it. But it is your fault if — now that it has been pointed out to you — you don’t change it. You are unhappy with how things are.You need to tell your SO how you feel, give her a chance to choose you over work/free time/pets or work on a compromise, and if she doesn’t, you need to move on. People’s actions really do speak louder than their words.

  4. sputnik says:

    [Your situation is really reminiscent of a relationship I’ve been in, only I played the part of the busy, over-worked, dog-obsessed girlfriend whose boyfriend was freaking out. So I’m here to play devil’s advocate, hopefully in the most helpful way possible.

    First, the commenters before me hit the nail on the head, each and every one of them: your girlfriend has a full life, it doesn’t revolve around you, and your life shouldn’t revolve around her, so go out there and make it so. There’s no doubt about that aspect of your relationship dynamic. She sounds like a person who knows what she wants; she wants to have her career, her doggy-time, and her “I don’t want you to see me looking like crap while I have the flu” time. This takes up a lot of her time, obviously, and you feel every minute of it because it’s not time spent with you and you have “WAY” more time on your hands than she does.

    Per the previous commenters: go fill up your days with stuff you’d like to do for yourself! Do you want to see your friends more often? Start a band? Learn a new language or catch up on the latest Monday Night Wrestling? Maybe you want to find a more fulfilling career, or travel the globe for the summer. Seriously, I have no idea what your “Me Time” looks like, but guaranteed, you’ll be a happier person, with or without your girlfriend, if you figure it out and go for it.

    And the bonus, as mentioned in previous comments, is that you won’t be putting as much pressure on her to reassure you about the relationship’s status. As it is, it’s unbalanced. Invest in yourself more, and the scales will even out.

    That said . . .

    She’s been with you for eight months. Eight months! That’s a feat! For a woman who sounds like she’s driven and knows what she wants out of her life, that’s no small thing. Give yourself some credit. You sound like a great guy, someone capable of loving and being loved. Both you and your girlfriend seem like people who know what they want out of life and are willing to go for it. If you give her the space to take care of herself, and you take the opportunity to charge forward into a full and enriching sphere of your own, it’ll be that much sweeter when both of you choose — emphasis on the mutual, proactive choice — to spend time together.

    I think it’ll be a win-win. Hang tight, and do good by yourself. She’ll appreciate it or not, but in the end you’ll probably feel better about whatever the outcome is.

    Rock on.

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