Trying to save my marriage

Background: My spouse and I were married in 2013, we split indefinitely after their ex had their kid (3 months after the marriage) and saw other people.
In 2014 I jumped from town to town running from addiction and abusive partners. I was homeless and my organs were slowly starting to shut down. My spouse’s ex and child had moved out earlier in the year, so I called and begged to come home. Within two weeks I was detoxing 6 hours away from where I’d been, on my spouse’s couch.

Once I started meeting people in this area, my spouse had proposed a 4-way. I caved, and it was a mortifying experience that I don’t want to witness again any time soon. I have a hard time seeing my spouse with other people. They let it go for a month, then went behind my back to try and arrange another one with two of our friends. I didn’t know they were texting back and forth until one of them showed me what was going on. I was heartbroken and couldn’t stop crying for a couple days. I felt so betrayed and used… Why did he go behind my back? He told me he had been scared and didn’t want to lose me, eventually I forgave him, but my trust has been shakey.
Our place is small, and sometimes if too many people crash here people will crash in our bed. The friend that told me about everything approached me again a few weeks later. Apparently my spouse and them had been fondling eachother in bed through the night. I confronted my spouse, who begged me not to go and said it wouldn’t happen again. The next morning the friend’s lipstick was all over my spouse’s back, but I wrote that off as “that’s why you don’t wear makeup to bed” and kept an eye open.
I’ve been here for 4 months now. I have been 100% loyal to my spouse. My spouse was acting on edge and convinced I was gonna leave out of nowhere. Last Saturday I found out that the same friend had been dry humped by my spouse in my bed with me next to them. I was asleep and they were drunk, but my spouse his this from me for a few days before this friend came clean again… The friend wanted my spouse in them, but apparently my spouse “snapped out of it” and took a shower… I was shattered.

I love my spouse with all my heart and I don’t really have family to turn to… Should I just turn a blind eye? My body is a mess from the drug use, I’m about 5’5 and 150lbs, and I personally don’t think I’m attractive. The last person I witnessed my spouse screw was twice my size, but the ones they sneak around with are both skinny and one is a cross dresser.
Does my spouse have the capacity to be loyal? Or am I wasting my time?

One thought on “Trying to save my marriage

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [First off, what these other women look like — and how you compare to them — doesn’t matter. This isn’t an issue of your spouse wanting someone more attractive and you not being attractive enough. It’s a matter of whether or not you can trust him.

    There are couples out there that have open relationships, and they’re both perfectly happy with that. But that’s clearly not what you want, and it seems like your spouse isn’t willing to accept that. In your case then, that could be a pretty clear dealbreaker.

    As such, my suggestion is to talk to him. Don’t be confrontational, and don’t accuse him of anything, because that’s only going to make him defensive. Instead, frame the discussion in terms of your feelings — how it makes you feel to see him having sex with another woman, how it makes you feel when you have to share the bed with other people.

    That he “snapped out of it” the last time suggests to me that he does care about you and is willing to consider your feelings. And that’s a good thing. So now, you just have to decide whether or not you can trust him to maintain his consideration for you in the long run.

    And if you (both of you — this has to be a mutual decision) do decide that you want to be monogamous, holy crap, don’t put yourself in any more situations that will tempt you! Don’t invite “friends” over. Don’t share the bed. Set your boundaries, and stick to them! 🙂

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