5 years and fighting to finish the LDR

I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for about five years. He treats me well, he is kind and loving to my family, and he works very hard to make sure his family is taken care of.

Here’s the thing: we’ve been long distance for 5 years. We have had rough patches but always found a way to make this work. Some insecurities exist in our relationship because he is 28, and graduating with a bachelors in science this spring (never had held a full time job while I at 24, have held a full time job for 2 years), and knows that I want to travel the world. But he says he cannot, that he owes himself and his mother and grandfather the best care. I respect this. I admire it and love him deeper for it. But it kills me on the inside- my biggest dreams in life have been to see and help people around the world before I settle down.

He reacts so negatively when I, in a light mood, talk about every dream place or duty I have for myself- like, he gets uncontrollable nervous and upset- because, I know, we both feel on the inside that I am waiting for him to have that financial security, and maybe his obligations will never allow him to do that, in a time frame of the next 3-4 years like I hope.

What do you think? Is it time for me to do what I need to do? I feel incredibly selfish, but my heart needs to setyle this before I am married (and I think he’s planning on proposing when he does get that full time job).

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5 thoughts on “5 years and fighting to finish the LDR

  1. Anonymous says:

    [IMHO, you should go do what you dream of. If he’s still there when you’re READY to settle, then he’s right. But if he can’t even pretend to care about your realistic dreams, why would you stay?

  2. Dan says:

    [I can’t help but wonder what has been hidden by the 5 years long term. Considering how negatively he reacts to your dream and you seem surprised, what else is lurking?

    He may have wonderful traits but that doesn’t make him a match! It doesn’t would like you can be happy here.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    [Well, you wanting to travel the world, and him wanting to care for his mother and grandmother — those are two goals that conflict in every way possible.

    I’m going to somewhat disagree with SB and Dan in that I don’t think he doesn’t care anything about your goals and dreams. I think they terrify him. As someone who has swung back and forth between wanting to travel the world and wanting the security of a safe home, I get how it feels from both sides:

    If all you want is to find a secure home and build a nest, so to speak, it’s scary when the person you love feels that wanderlust. You try not to take it personally, but you can’t help but feel that if the other person really loved you, they would only want to stay with you. Why would they feel the need to see the world?

    On the other hand, when you do feel that wanderlust, it’s not anything against the person you love. The compulsion has nothing to do them. You just have a need to see new things.

    To me, these come down to two very conflicting traits — the need for home and security versus the need for new experiences. And unfortunately, they’re incredibly difficult to reconcile.

    So my question to you is this: Can you envision a way that the two of you can compromise on this, knowing that you have polar-opposite dreams?

    If not, then it might be time to move on.

  4. missmaria says:

    [Back in 2007, I was going through a job rut – namely holding a full time job just for the money and not really loving what I want as doing. I had reached a point where I knew I had to be doing something that ignited a passion or actually following a dream, so I sent my CV out into a job website and started looking.
    The change in the course of my life came in the form of a job offer in Japan. I had wanted to travel and work abroad in a foreign country since I was twelve and now the opportunity was there for the taking. Thing is, I was in a long term relationship with a great guy. I was in love with him but I knew this had to be done or else I could see myself still doing this job I was indifferent to and slowly regretting on what could’ve been.

    In the end, we broke up just shy of me returning back home after a year as he felt I should stay and continue my adventure (I had been offered an even more better job out there). It was a painful sacrifice but as a friend put it: if in this great cosmic universe you two are destined to be together, it’ll be so.

    So in conclusion, don’t regret what you haven’t done, go out there and do what you have to do and if he’s the one, he’ll wait for you. Anyone who loves you, will support your dreams. As my mum told me: ” travel first, settle down later.”

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