relationship advice should I stay?

Ive been in a relationship for six years and my partner has never had a steady job. He is 33 and I am 26. He’s a film maker and tells me it is the nature of the career he has chosen. One year ago he moved to another country on the pre-tense of getting work, since then he has had a job for only two months of this year. The rest of the time he is doing what he calls freelance work he is making online videos to add to his show reel but he is not getting paid. Im am getting frustrated with this situation as we have been maintaining a long term relationship for 1 yr now and I feel there is no reason to be. It came to a head today when I called him and said i would book and pay for flights for him to come home this weekend (I know he does not have any work this weekend) and he has refused to take me up on the offer. Am i being selfish to want him to live in the same country as me and is there any way to put across my worries about him not working without it sounding like I am nagging

6 thoughts on “relationship advice should I stay?

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [I honestly don’t think it’s worth it. I would move on. If he’s not working and not interested in being in the same area as you, after 6 years, wtf is the point? You are NOT being selfish at all, you’re being realistic. He is being childish and I’m surprised you’ve put up with it for this long.

    If you really feel like you want to try to salvage this relationship, just talk to him. What I do when I have something sensitive to say, in order to get my thoughts together, to not sound like I’m nagging or bringing it up out of the blue, I type out all of what I want to say and then I pare it down by taking out the overly emotional stuff. Then I say hey, can we talk about ___ later? Then just tell him how you feel.

    What you want is important. If he can’t give it to you, you need to move on.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [It’s pretty obvious to me that his career is way more important to him than you are.

    And given how, uh, “legitimate” his career is at this point, I think that says a lot about your relationship.

  3. missmaria says:

    [When freelancing, yes the work can be sporadic and not as steady and as a regular full time or part time job but it’s not a good excuse to to cling to for six years. As someone who does freelance work, when it’s not it’s not steady and bills need to be paid, somethings got to give and that means getting a second job to pay for things.In fact most freelancers I know have a second job, whether it be graphic design, computer game designing or photography, especially at 33 years of age (I’m only one year older). I’ve met these “man child” types before and unfortunately, it won’t take help from you to sort him out. You won’t be able to fix him or encourage him – it’s left to him to sort himself out and that shouldn’t be your problem or your burden.

    As for the long distance thing, they work best when the two people concerned meet in the middle and have an end date. The first time I attempted such a feat, it didn’t work as I needed to do my own thing in the end and he just needed me or someone to be at his side in the same area, not on the other side of the world. We split up as it was better to leave us to pursue our own goals at our own pace – there was no end date.
    The second time I was in a LDR, we had an end date, communicating by Skype and visiting each other before that date. We were also on the same page with our goals and plans. This time it worked.

    You need to talk to him and find out where he wants to be then you can find out where you might fit in with his plans. You also need an end date to the LDR if you want to keep it going – it doesn’t have to an actual date, just something approximate so you both know that’s when you’ll be together and will be moving towards the next chapter. If his answers aren’t satisfactory and you don’t figure in his life or feel like an important part of it, then you need to figure out your next step – do you continue “carrying” him or do you cut and run and look after yourself?

    • Dan says:

      [I feel like the bases have been covered. You can do better, time to get moving!! Good luck!

  4. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Having worked with, along with being close friends with, many filmmakers (struggling and gainfully employed); while that field can be EXTREMELY difficult to break into and maintain as a career it is not the nature of the career to have not held a steady job for six years. Most of those individuals would work industry related jobs, and/or what you would consider ‘paycheck’ jobs, to make ends meet while pursuing this endeavor. One aspect to becoming a filmmaker is to work various other jobs (PAYING jobs) in that field to network and gain experience.

    While I commend him for working free lance to build up his reel, no self-respecting filmmaker would continue doing this for 6 six years (or more) without getting paid for it. I could understand the first year just to gain momentum and again for networking, but after that you DON’T give your work/talents/skills away for free. That’s how people get taken advantage of.

    Sadly, that’s how I feel you have been treated by him. You have more/less been taken advantage of. Perhaps you are familiar with the business, perhaps you are not. In either case, he clearly doesn’t have a firm understanding of how that industry works. If you don’t mind my asking which country did he move to?

    It sounds like he’s a very proud person, meaning his pride often gets the better of him. This has already been proven based on how you have explained his current “business” practices. This is also shown with his refusal to take you up on his offer to pay for his travel back home to stay with you for the weekend.

    It’s not selfish of you for wanting to live in the same country as your boyfriend. I don’t even think it would selfish if you wanted to live in the same city, apartment, or house. It’s commendable that you’ve supported his pursuit of this career for as long as you have…

    BUT…it’s time for him to start showing a bit more support in your relationship here too. You can approach this while still being supportive, but make sure he knows that while there’s no problem having a dream, and wanting to make it reality, you have to live IN reality and sometimes do things that may feel like the wrong direction to get moving in the right direction.

    Good luck.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Thanks for clearing up the nature of the film industry, Matt. I wanted to say something about that, too, since it sounded so sketchy, but I wasn’t sure if working so much for free really is par for the course when you’re an aspiring filmmaker. I’m glad to know it isn’t. 🙂

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