Social life

Hello, I am hoping to increase my social life. In early years I was not a big social creature, however now I feel I am blooming into a more fuller person. I am married and my situation is being friends with people of the opposite sex namely women. My best guess is I probably shouldn’t spend a lot of time with them alone. I was thinking maybe having lunch during a work day or inviting a female friend to hang out with my wife present. My wife isn’t very social but does enjoy going out but I don’t see why my personal development should suffer because of that. If anything lack of social activities has probably hurt me a little. I am not thinking of just having one female friend out on a regular basis. More what I am doing is building a social map where I interact with people on a regular basis…say keeping up with them once a month, sending them an e-birthday card.I guess what I am asking is for pointers regarding the female friends portion of this I feel she will have a problem with it.

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13 thoughts on “Social life

  1. resullins says:

    [Ok… this seems like a really weird question. Why are you so concerned with you female friends, and not friends in general? You seem so focused on how you’re going to be able to hang out with your female friends that it sounds very suspicious. Like you have ulterior motives.

    That all being said, do not, I mean do NOT hang out with this woman (women?) alone. I don’t care how blossoming you think you are… that’s a recipe for disaster. If you really feel like you need some friends, then make SURE you make friends of both sexes, and have a dinner party. Or go out as a group. Involve your wife, or at the VERY least, other people. Always.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Yeah, if your goal is to be more social, then I’d say to participate in more group outings, or at least initiate them.

    Hanging out alone with individual women… meh, that’s not really being more social.

  3. Aunt D says:

    [You want a married woman’s perspective on this??? NO. You want to be social, ask your wife to take swing dancing classes with you or something like that. Join a golf club or a men’s knitting group – Look on Meetup.com to find some social groups with your interests and find friends and social interactions that don’t turn into “friendships” that end up destroying your marriage. Getting familiar with other women is not a good idea if you would like to stay married.

  4. Carnivora says:

    [I’m a straightforward advocate for polyamourous lifestyle, while not rallying against monogamy. However, it only suits open-minded couples that also happen to be best friends, honest and trusting. If they have kids to take care of they must certainly be responsible about this, but contrary to most people’s opinion, being a good father doesn’t equal to being a one-woman man. A common response to this would be that “swingers” set a bad example to their kids (not unlike “gay couples will make their adopted kids gay! what monsters!”). The only thing those kids will learn from their parents is to be open-minded about relationships, and, if lucky, that jealousy equals posessiveness and egoism – wanting to be “the only one” in their partner’s life while depriving them of excitement and possible ways to learn some new sex tricks from the others. Provided that they use condoms to avoid bringing back any diseases and don’t waste the family money on expensive gifts for their lovers. Just common sense… Also couples who a free to do whatever they want with other people would have less reasons for divorce (which is much worse for a kid’s mind than occasionally seeing their parents with strangers. Kids are not judgmental unless someone teaches them to be).

    Don’t bother to be judgmental about me or my comment, I might ignore yours, especially if it’s about traditions and the Bible. Slave traders also happened to be traditionalists and Cristians… And being jealous and possessive is not an excuse, it’s just being an a-hole.

    As polyamourous people say, it’s not cheating if the partners know (and are okay about this, and are free to pursue their own romantic adventures).

    • Aunt D says:

      [You actually make very good points and I am all for polyamorous relationships when both parties choose it and the relationship has a strong foundation to support it.
      And as for kids ~ very true! They are only judgemental when taught to be.

  5. Meg says:

    [I would recommend taking your letter and rewrite and word it as if your wife just wrote the exact same thing in her words wanting to pursue friendships in the same way with men. Then ask yourself how you feel if your wife was looking to blossom and have more male relationships. It could be enlightening for yourself.

    • H says:

      [Hello the goal is to increase social activity not get women. I emphasized women because I feel she will fear this portion of social interaction. I have male friends too.

    • Meg says:

      [I see. With your wife having the equivalent intent you have to increase her social circle would you be just as comfortable with her socializing in the same way with men as you intend to socialize with women? If you feel uncomfortable with her lunching and socializing on a friendship basis with men you might have your answer. I think it is fine to socialize and be friends with to opposite sex, but in a committed marriage you want for the long term I just don’t see regular calls and lunch dates with the opposite sex as a making for the healthiest marriage with your spouse. Why open the door to making the most important person in your life ever feel uncomfortable. That is my personal opinion.

  6. Dennis Hong says:

    [Okay, I’m chiming back in, because I feel like people are misunderstanding your intentions, but — to be blunt — I also feel like they’re misunderstanding you because you didn’t articulate yourself very well.

    If you reread what you wrote originally, you give off this slightly-creepy vibe where it sounds like you have ulterior motives in wanting to be friends with women, and you’re angling for validation to do so. I think it has to do with the calculating, emotionless way you described how you want to be more social. It just doesn’t come across as sincere.

    But… whatever. You didn’t ask for help in honing your communication skills. We can deal with that some other time if you’re interested.

    Now that I reread your blurb, I don’t get the same sense anymore. It doesn’t seem like you’re trying to go behind your wife’s back at all, and in fact, you’re very concerned about how she feels. That’s why you posted the blurb originally, and hey, I think that’s commendable of you to care.

    So, this is what I’m reading right now:

    You want to be more social and make more friends, both male and female. However, your wife is more introverted and may not be as comfortable or willing to do so. As such, you’re wondering how she would feel about you pursuing more friendships, especially if the friendships happen to be with women. So, it’s not that you’re *looking* to hang out with female friends one-on-one. You’re just thinking ahead and wondering if that would be appropriate, if something like that were to happen, and how your wife would feel about it.

    Is that it?

    If so, then I think that’s awesome that you’re being considerate of your wife. And in this case, I’d say that it comes down to a matter of trust. If your wife is more introverted, but she knows you’re trying to expand your social circles, is that something that she’s okay with you doing? Is that something that she can trust you to do, even if she herself isn’t a part of it?

    If ultimately, she just isn’t as comfortable being social, you can’t drag her into it, ya know? I mean, that’s the worst thing you can do to an introvert. So instead, I think you two have to come to some sort of compromise between you 1) pursuing your goal to be more social, and 2) respecting that she doesn’t have the same goal or desire to be more social.

    For something like this to happen, you have to make sure that you communicate well with her, and of course, that you both trust each other. So, my advice is to talk to her — explain to her that it’s important for you to expand your social circles, but also be clear that you understand and accept if she does not. So if that’s the case, how can you work out a compromise where both of you are able to do what you’re comfortable with?

    As long as you’re considering and accepting each other’s needs, then I think you can definitely pursue friendships with more people, female or otherwise.

  7. Taurwen says:

    [So, I’m assuming here that you are looking to have friends with both genders and you’re just wondering about what is acceptable with women in general. I think your best bet is just hanging out with a group of people and talking to your wife about it. Don’t drag her out with you if she doesn’t want to go out, but be very open about who you are going out with and what you are doing and for how long.
    There’s not much reason to go out with new a new friend for lunch or anything like that one on one. I feel like those kinds of activities are more comfortable with long term friends you don’t see very often and if you’re just starting to extend your social network it won’t come up for awhile. Maybe it’s just my own social anxiety speaking but I’m generally not comfortable with one on one encounters unless I know the person very well, no matter what their gender is and after I do know someone well enough to go get a coffee or dinner with them their gender doesn’t matter.
    So, in short, hang out with groups of people, and talk to your wife.

  8. Jasmine says:

    [Here’s the rule about having friends of the opposite sex when you are already in a committed relationship:
    You NEVER confide or talk about your marriage/wife with this person, or vice versa. You may complain or download to your male friends or shrink, but not to female friends. Opposite sex friends know you are married and you talk about common interests, movies, the weather, your kids, whatever. If you allow them to become your confidant you will create a very grey area, and start comparing/transferring affections to eachother. That is when it would be unfair to your wife to have female friends. Your wife should still be your confidant and best friend. And if you do have any gripes, you owe it to her to discuss them with her so that she can work with you to solve any issues. Never keep secrets from your wife about any of your friends, and keep an open invite for her to join you for hang outs. If at any time your wife asks you to stop hanging out or talking to a female friend, you immediately end that friendship (in an open and civil way), deleting their number, etc. If you find that one of you develops feelings for the other, same rule applies. Now, if she asks you to end a friendship more than once or twice and you feel you are in an innocent relationship, then you can have a discussion about her jealousy.
    To sum up: Be friends with girls. Don’t cheat.

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