does he like me or is he playing games?

hello everyone, im in need of some advice, im hoping you all have more experience with this than i do since im relatively young, age 23 almost, and i just recently came out to my parents and have never even been on a date because of that. i think im a bisexual male by the way.

basically im trying to find out if im setting my hopes up when theirs nothing and reading to much into things, or my friend really does like me. this post might be fairly long so i apologize. i also am going to be general and try to not give out information about the people in my life as i am still very new to all this.

i go to a certain town alot during my lifetime. but more so recently. my best friend lives their and shes awesome but its about 2 hours away so i never went up that much. but recently in the past 2 to 3 months iv been going up ALOT. i went up several times as they are much more accepting and i came out and told quite a few of my friends up there i think i was bi. they all accepted it fine. but now i think one of the men may actually like me but its SO hard to tell. their are so many signs but i cant tell if im just reading to much into it because i like him too. im gonna just list the signs that i can think of that have happened in the past 2 to 3 months and hopefully you all can help me understand if im being reasonable or not. hes a friend of my friends that i just met about 6 months ago. but now were pretty close.

these are in no particular order just the first ones that come into my head as i write them.
also he has a girlfriend and a 4 year old daughter. which before anyone says anything. im not trying to get in between them, normally i wouldnt think of that even. but i feel like i might be being misled by him. normally i would not try to pry into someone elses relationship especially one thats been going on for at least 5 years. but i really feel like hes unhappy and likes me and has hinted at that. however whatever the case ill wait for him to come out and im not gonna pry into his life, i just want to know others oppinions on the matter. he claimes hes straight but.

1. we spent ALOT of time now online. skyping, texting and playing video games togther. so much so that we have spent about 65 hours in the past 3 weeks skyping and playing games alone. i know because steam keeps track of the hours of a certain game played, and we have played almost 40 hours on that alone. we also text a good bit. and when we do text he seems to respond instantly alot. or at least read it right then and their. i realize this time is online and digital but i live 2 hours away as well so its not like i can just be up their and hang out whenever i want.

2. one time he tryed to hook me and his cousin up to have sex. im a virgin and i was scared as well as i didnt even know the guy but after declining he got pretty upset and emotional saying how he “spent all this time for me”. which i thought was kinda weird. maybe he was trying to see if i would have sex since im a virgin and he knows? idk

3. he is very VERY raunchy when drinking, even when not drinking and pretty sober he still acts and talks gay but says hes joking. his friends all say hes just “confortable with his sexuality” and iv never been a big party guy so im not around this much, but when he has enough to drink he will even wip out his dick and whatnot. or grind on guys, though he normally doesnt have his dick out when he grinds on them his pants are up. but he does this VERY commonly. its happened multiple times. he also calls me “boo” alot in texts and on skype. and talks dirty alot to me. even though he says hes joking. when i reply back in a dirty manner he used to say “Ew” or “no” but that has kinda switched to a “maybe” now in his texts. a few times he has said “maybe” even though im sure if i asked him he would just say he was joking about it.

4. when we skype its normally for at LEAST an hour, sometimes 3 hours and he sometimes doenst want to leave. when we do leave its because his girlfriend is asking him to go places or do stuff and hes spending time with me, which i also find odd since its his gf. also i frequently hear him and his girfriend kinda bickering in the background on skype.

5. one night after a party he had a bit to drink and secretly wrote on a wii u pad “im gay, super gay, like backstreet gay” and then quickly erased it after showing me it, it was only me and him on the couch. when i asked him about it later though he said he wanted to input that as the highscore to the game mario kart 8 but the game wouldnt let him. i thought thats pretty believable since they tend to censor things and maybe gay wouldnt be allowed. but it also made me curious.

6. again about the skype thing, he stays up late and last night i went to bed at around 1 am and texted him i couldnt stay up any later i was tired and for him to text me if he wanted and i would probably hear it and wake up or call me. i was very tired so i didnt hear him but he texted me 69 times mostly random stuff from auto correct but some was actual texts. also he called me 3 times.

7. he liked a photo of mine from over a year and a half ago on facebook. which told me he was scrolling through my pictures at the very least. when i asked him about it just cause i was curious he denied ever even going on my photos and said it was a “glitch” by facebook.

8. one night at the bar he joked and said “it will be like we are making out” to his girlfriend and she responded “we dont make out that often hun”. obviously this was in somewhat playful tones, but it makes me wonder with how they act when im on skype and she said they dont make out that often if they are kinda not going to strong anymore. also makes me wonder since hes 24 almost and his daughter is over 4 that means he got her pregnant at like age 18 or 19 since it takes time for the baby to develop. maybe he just sayed with her because it was the right thing to do and social pressure? i mean that seems pretty young to me and maybe he does like me?

9. apparently theirs this thing called “ball tapping” where its fun to try to hit the other mans balls. he does it to alot of guys and me included, also he slaps guys butts like i mentioned earlier in him acting gay and raunchy. one time we were almost wrestling trying to ball tap each other and all i can remember was him smiling and laughing and we were holding each others arms away to try to keep each other from ball tapping the other. it was almost like a 10-15 second wrestling match in a way.

anyway im just wondering if im reading to much into this, but we are spending alot of time together i feel, maybe even as much as his girlfiend do even though its digital with skype and texts. heck i feel he treats me as a priority over her sometimes, like how i mentioned when we skype and he doens’t want to leave sometimes even when his gf wants to head out for the night. any thoughts on this and advice? regardless im not trying to break them up or get in their life, however if he is unhappy and does eventually come out i could only date him if he broke up with his gf. not trying to get inbetween them, am i reading to much into all this? thanks.

also recently we spent 9 hours together on valentines day, as well as 6 hours the next day, but then when i confronted him about a certain converstation that i felt he was hinting at being gay he denied ever even saying it and i showed him the pictures of him saying “he wanted a deep deep deep hole” for a well. i assumed he was hinting at anal and just said he wanted a “well” to hide it. but then he says hes straight. so basically i was hurt that he would lead me on and then be was kinda upset and mean about it after i confronted him, so i let it go and told myself if he doenst want me he doesnt want me. but then the NEXT day i didnt text him at all. probably the only day in the last 3 weeks we hadnt talked at all and he FLIPS OUT. he says. “sorrry you must be to ggod to talk to me,idc for your childish games” he also seemed hurt and sad that i didnt text him because he repeated the characters in “sorry” and “good”. i told him i was out doing errands and just got home and that he didnt sent me any messages to reply back to so how was i being too good for him and to talk to him? he replied back with “it felt like that. sorry buddy”.

basically im so confused as to why a straight guy in a long term relationship with a women and a child would act this way, its clear from what he said that he looks forward to my messages, so much so that after 1 day of not messaging he got upset since he expected me to send a few at least like normal but i didnt and he got upset. do you think he likes me? or is just joking like he says when he flirts with me?

we still talk every day for the past 2 days, after this whole incident we still chat on skype and he calls me on skype. but im not the one whos texting first or calling him on skype first the past 2 days and he still flirts on skype even after this whole charade… hes so confusing. i need advice.

9 thoughts on “does he like me or is he playing games?

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’ll start by answering your questions:

    1) Yes, I think he likes you.

    2) No, I don’t think he’s playing you.

    Now, for my explanation:

    First off, I’m straight, so I can only give you the perspective of a straight guy, and what a straight guy would or wouldn’t do in the situations you’ve described. Ergo, feel free to take this comment with a large grain of salt.

    Having said that, I hate to perpetuate stereotypes, but everything you’ve described about this guy screams that he’s totally gay… and totally in the closet.

    Look, straight guys don’t just whip out their junk and show it off to their friends. Straight guys don’t “ball tap.” Straight guys don’t get drunk and start acting gay. Straight guys don’t get so butt-hurt when a gaming buddy doesn’t text for a day. Straight guys don’t write “I’m super gay” on an iPad when they get drunk.

    No, not even the ones who are “comfortable” with their sexuality.

    Speaking as a straight dude, I honestly don’t have any insight on what he must be feeling, but it sounds like he’s just not ready to admit that he’s gay, whether to others or even to himself. So instead, he spends all his free time with you, and when he does get drunk, and his walls break down a bit, he reveals what he’s truly feeling.

    Here’s the bottom line: I read through everything you wrote (twice), and not for a second do I think this guy is straight.

    But here’s the problem: It’s also pretty clear to me that he’s just not ready to come out yet. I mean, 24 is still pretty young, ya know?

    Given that, even though I’m pretty sure he’s really into you, and even though I’m pretty sure he’s not playing you, I don’t know that there’s anything you can do about it. You can’t “force” him to come out before he’s ready, ya know? And besides, do you really want to get between him and his family at this point?

    Obviously, it’s your call how you want to approach things from here, but if I were in your spot, I’d continue to hang out with him, but just leave it at that for now and take him at his word. He’ll come out if (or when) he’s ready, and then you can reassess your “friendship” at that point.

    For now, though, I’d say to treat him like any other buddy you might have.

    Good luck with this, though. I do hope it works out, and please feel free to update us on everything. šŸ™‚

  2. C.Munro says:

    [Here’s my take on it: Ultimately it doesn’t matter whether he’s gay or not, or whether he likes you or not. It sounds to me like he’s playing games with you. It sounds like he likes the attention he gets from you, but that’s about it. Even if you were to hook up with him, I’d bet that at best you’d end up a sidepiece, and not in a real relationship. The guy is already in a pretty serious relationship, whether he’s happy there or not, and if he’s not happy it really shouldn’t take meeting someone else to get out of that situation.

    As a straight guy, I’ve been treated like this by quite a lot of women. Nothing good ever comes of it. I’ve also seen other people behave this way, and again, I can’t say I’ve seen anything but hurt feelings result from it.

    If you want advice, mine would be to forget about this guy. Use him as practice for forgetting about people who are bad for you. Use him as practice for flirting without meaning it. Just don’t take anything he says or does seriously. And if you can’t do that, fade out.

  3. Katie @ Domestiphobia says:

    [I agree with C.Munro. Whether he’s gay or not is irrelevant. He’s in a very committed relationship and he’s using your youth and ignorance to dabble in his fantasies. You have a hard enough course at this age dealing with your own sexuality to be responsible for worrying about his. Go out! Have fun! Date or hookup with people who are available to you — both physically and emotionally. Why are you wasting your time with someone who, even if he was honest with himself, couldn’t actually be there for you in any positive way until he gets out of his relationship? Oh, and saying you’re not trying to get between them doesn’t make it any less true. The emotional connection you’re building with him is wrong, because you see him as more than a friend and you’re hoping he feels the same about you. Until he’s out of his relationship, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment.

    • Katie @ Domestiphobia says:

      [Oh and P.S. By being comfortable with who YOU are — by going out, living your life, and building something great for yourself — you’ll be much more of a role model to someone who’s stuck in a closeted relationship. Seeing what his life *could* be if he were open about who he is is a much bigger motivator to come out than having his secure straight facade with a little something on the side, don’t you think?

    • animallover says:

      [first thank you to everyone who took the time to read this insanely long post AND even took the time to comment and give feedback, it means alot. and as you have all said, for the past few days have just been treating him as a friend. we are currently skyping even at this very moment but im treating him as a friend and thats it, for my sanity and his. as well as the fact that you all are right, he is in a relationship right now and i shouldnt try to come between that. if he is gay he will come out eventually and if he stays in the closet forever then we werent ment to be. its just hard not to flirt back when he talks about “wanting my cock” and whatnot, and he still does it ALL the time. but im not going to get my hopes up anymore. i realize that was foolish of me because regardless if he is gay or not and in the closet or not, he IS in a relationship at the moment. i really feel alot better after hearing everyones thoughts on the matter. thank you all so much šŸ™‚

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Hey, awesome. I think you definitely have the right attitude about this. Regardless of how everything turns out, I think you’re handling it the right way at this point.

  4. animallover says:

    [ok, so im kinda upset with myself now. i used to pride myself on being a very strong, emotionally stable person, but this was my first time “falling in love” or falling for someone as i mentioned and im having a very hard time just being this guys “friend” when like i mentioned. he still sexually flirts with me all the time. i find myself being so attracted to him im constantly waiting for his texts and thinking about when the next time he will skype me and im not being very productive. or at least as productive as i would like to be with studys the past few days. its been about 5 days since he got “butt hurt” about me not texting him for a whole day or saying anything to him. and now i feel like he might be trying to do it to me or something, but now IM the one who feels kinda butt hurt because the past 3 days he hasnt really talked to me that much and we only skyped for like 2 hours in the past 3 days, which is not alot considering we were averaging like 4 hours each day before. im a hot mess. i know its not good in any way to be this emotionally attached to someone even if they werent in a relationship already, im being far to “needy” and attached to him.

    he laughs at my jokes when we skype, not matter how stupid they may be, if were making fun of someones username on a game or some crap. and he says im funny and whatnot. i really do think he likes me but gosh.

    its really hard because i really do think he likes me and i know we discussed that its not my place to but into his relationship since he already is in one, but even though i KNOW THAT, its hard to just get my mind to forget about him in the emotional way it thinks about him. especially since we invested so much time together recently. one option is to obviously stop being his friend alltogether. but i really wouldnt want to have to do that because i like the dude and also i would have to stop being friends with a multitude of other people that often hang around him as they are always together. which would suck. iv talked to him about it a few times when he flirts sexually saying “dont say it if you dont mean it please” but he just pauses and doesnt respond. and then later keeps on flirting after maybe 10 to 15 minutes. he knows i have a crush on him, as he brought it up again last night, saying something along the lines of “you have a crush on meeeee”. should i talk to him about this? i really dont want to upset him or lose a friendship over something so stupid like this. idk, i guess i already know the best answer, to talk to him about it first. and see if he would stop flirting and we could go on just being friends…but i feel no matter how i say it or come across our friendship wont be the same if i bring it up to him…and to be quite honest… i like when he flirts with me….i just DONT like how im waiting for him to text me every day and hes kinda giving me the silent treatment now. he still texts at night and we skype a bit though. im coming across as very very “needy” now i have to say, and i dont like that.

    i asked him if he wanted to hang out next weekend, since this weekend is my birthday and i wont be able to drive up to the town since ill be going out for dinner that weekend, he said he wanted to hangout though. and i dont feel like it would be awkard to hangout with him at this point since i havnt really talked to much to him about it. he just knows i have a crush on him and i asked him to not flirt a few times with me but he ignores it and keeps on flirting. so maybe i should just leave it as it is and not bring it up?

    i feel so ashamed that im feeling this way. is this normal for someone in love? either way its not healthy i know. i cant even believe im typing this right now i feel so childish for feeling this way and being so clingy for someone that might not even feel the same way though i feel he does like me…..:( advice? talk to him about it? keep it to myself and preserve the friendships of not just him and me but also his friends he chills with every weekend????? thanks..

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [No. It is NOT on him to stop flirting with you. That’s just a chickenshit way for you to weasel out of taking responsibility for your own feelings.

      Accept that he’s not going to stop. He has a girlfriend and daughter, and he gets attention on the side from you. He has the best of both worlds right now. Why should he change anything about it?

      That means that you either 1) suck it up and deal with his flirting, knowing that NOTHING CAN BECOME OF IT, or 2) walk away. There is NOTHING to talk about with him.

      And for the record, no, this is not love. This is an obsession. Yeah, it sucks that you feel ashamed, but… you know what? That’s a good thing. Now take responsibility and do something about it, rather than put it all on someone else who’s obviously perfectly fine with the situation as is.

    • Katie @ Domestiphobia says:

      [Yep. What Dennis said. This feels wrong because it’s cheating. He’s cheating emotionally on his girlfriend with you, probably hoping to turn it physical, and you’re being used. I know you’re only 22, so here’s a tip: If it feels wrong, that’s probably because it is. It’s not romantic. It’s not healthy. It’s just him being selfish. He’s not a friend — he’s an inappropriate crush and you should not be acting on it. Move on. I know it seems impossible to do, but trust me. It’s very possible.

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