Feeling Stuck in a Miserable Relationship Because … WHY!?

The guy I have tried to break up with so many times in the past two years … the same guy I left in the middle of the night … when I packed up the car to the gills and LEFT, and found myself a whole other place to call home … He lost his house, and I let him AND his dog move in here with me and my toddler daughter (not his daughter, btw), even though he’s NOT on the lease and pets are NOT allowed. I felt sorry for him, and he had nowhere to go, supposedly. I know it was my own doing, but have you ever somehow felt like you are somehow pressured to allow someone in your life, even though you don’t even want him there? I know for sure I don’t love him. He has asked me to marry him at least three or four times. I ALWAYS say no. And now he’s telling me he’s going to make me love him and will marry me, and he has a new set of rings hanging from an ornament on our Christmas tree. I sleep with him, because otherwise he will push and pout and make life for me a living hell by being annoying; but then I feel awful afterward. I get nothing out of this insane arrangement but more housework that he makes for me but doesn’t help in doing. I’m a professional woman with my own place, my own vehicle, and I pay my own bills; and yet I feel stuck in this sorry excuse for a relationship. He doesn’t pay rent or help (except to advise how I should spend my hard-earned money on groceries), and yet he feels he can constantly complain about the way I keep the apartment and tells me I need to do this and do that. He just plain makes me miserable. I’d rather live life as a single mom. #miserable #venting #unhappy #lonely

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19 thoughts on “Feeling Stuck in a Miserable Relationship Because … WHY!?

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [I don’t know, really. I was so excited and felt so full of life again when I moved out, and then he wouldn’t stop calling or texting and just hung on and on and on. Even when I said, “It’s over. I don’t love you. I don’t want to see you again.” He says he knows that I only said that because of my anxiety from my Graves Disease (hyperthyroidism); but I know how I feel, loud and clear. He just won’t listen to me. And he’s living in my residence, and he doesn’t even respect the fact that I kept him from being homeless.

      My daughter is not even his daughter, but he has been the only “dad” in her life she’s known. If you didn’t know all of the details of how he’s treated me, you might think he’s a real winner for being there for my daughter, when she is not even his by blood. He actually treats her really well … but, should I stay only for that fact, when it’s changing who I am inside — killing my hopes and dreams — He uses the fact that he helps care for her so much, as a handy excuse for why I must keep him in my life, and why he doesn’t have to help with the rent or housework or anything.

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [He loves to remind me that I’m a 42-year-old mom of a toddler, and he says I will never find anyone else who is willing to be with me. I had been told I’m a fairly attractive woman for most of my life, but since I had an ankle injury and then pregnancy, and I put on weight … I just don’t feel the same. I miss who I was. It’s hard for me to get out and do much or exercise with my little one. She is the light of my life and brings me so much joy. But I feel frustrated and since it doesn’t seem like there’s much going for me anyway, I guess it’s easier to just put up with this unhappy “relationship” for what it is … knowing that one day it will end, and I’ll be fine with walking away.

  1. Ecrivaine32 says:

    [It’s funny how it all begins to seem normal, once you’re with someone for a few years. You forget that you deserve better and can do better. I’m not totally sure I WILL ever find “better,” but at least I do know I’ll be happier alone.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yeah, it’s funny how, if you just write down the facts of the relationship, it allows you to step back and see it for what it’s worth.

      Not ever having been, you know, a single mom, I won’t presume to understand how difficult it must be. At the same time, when you make a comment like this:

      “…knowing that one day it will end, and I’ll be fine with walking away….”

      I can’t help but wonder how fine you’ll be with walking away when that time comes. If it’s so hard now, won’t it just get harder and harder the longer you drag this on?

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [Whoops, I tried to click on “helpful,” but I missed the click 😦 Sorry.

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [I agree that it will probably get harder to deal with him … lol … but the more I stay, the easier it will be to walk away, as the feelings I had at the beginning of the relationship are long gone.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [No worries. 🙂 It happens.

      Well, it sounds like you know what you have to do. Now, it’s just a matter of doing it, yeah?

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [Yeah, and that’s the hard part. Getting him out of my place and having to deal with him. He is bipolar (nothing against anyone who is), and I don’t know if it’s that condition or his personality. But he is super, over-the-top emotional, and it’s not an easy thing to confront. But I do worry that my daughter will get more and more attached. She is still young enough for me to leave now. I think I need to leave for her sake, before she feels she is really losing a daddy. For her, I can, but somehow, I can’t seem to get enough “oomph” together to do that for myself.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [If all you need is the “oomph,” what if you externalize your motivation? Figure out what steps you have to take to end this, and write them down. Then find a friend or family member you trust, and give them the list, with hard deadlines for each step.

      Maybe your not wanting to disappoint this person will help motivate you to stick to the plan.

      Or if that isn’t enough, ask the person to hold you accountable. For instance, if you don’t complete each step by the deadline, they’ll stop talking to you (or something else that would be a definite sacrifice) until you do.

      Just throwing out some ideas….

    • Ecrivaine32 says:

      [Good point. It won’t be hard to find volunteers. I have a handful of really good friends who keep shaking their heads at why I let myself live this way.

  2. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [It sounds like you have a pretty good grasp on some things you need to do, or even try, based on your conversation here with Dennis.

    Like Dennis, I can’t imagine how difficult it could be for you (single mother, etc); however I do have some experience with being in a miserable relationship where I didn’t feel like myself. The woman in particular that I was with at that time was also somewhat bipolar, and also suffered from manic episodes, and a few other conditions that had more/less been diagnosed. Most of all she was incredibly manipulative in the relationship…which is precisely how your guy comes off the way you’ve described him.

    I know the cards seem stacked against you, but you need to begin to take a stand against him when he tries to turn things on you and get you to do something you don’t feel comfortable with. This could be getting you to sleep with him, or even just when he tries to make you feel guilty for HIM not doing anything to contribute around the apartment.

    Take time to think things over when he begins to make you feel guilty, or make you feel ashamed for something, or trying to get you to do something you don’t want to, or when he tries to make excuses for you saying/acting the way you are. This is ALL manipulation. Don’t let the tables turn.

    Most people who rely on manipulation are simply projecting their own insecurities on to someone else; in this case, you.

    Like Dennis said, find someone (or a few someones) who can help you stay accountable for turning your life around.

    As for your current living situation. If, and when, you feel ready I’m sure you’re the only name on the lease; therefore you have every legal right to kick him out…and contact authorities if needed. I’m sure someone like him has other friends, or people he manipulates, that will give him shelter. While I’m hoping it’s the former and not the latter, you need to get him out.

    Good Luck.

  3. Anna says:

    [Ok , here are my thoughts….. Firstly, You will find someone even at 50 because you are a self sufficient woman.
    Think about the example you are giving to your daughter, kids learn from what their parents do rather than what they say.
    The unfortunate part is that you are not in an healthy relationship as you are aware of, a healthy relationship should not include manipulation and paying the victim
    And finally, you might consider talking to a professional, just to get some support at this time, and work on building boundaries with people who don’t care about yours.

  4. Ecrivaine32 says:

    [Thank you for the comments. I think sometimes we know what we need to do, but it just helps to see what other people have to “say,” in order to get perspective and get that feeling that you are doing the right thing when you do take the necessary actions that you know must be accomplished. The holidays put things in even more stark contrast for me. We did our thing … which is to say, we pretended to be this happy couple … but it feels empty and sad and makes me more lonely for the family that is far away from me, and too costly to visit at this point in my financial life. This Christmas makes me want to be sure that the next holiday season is so much happier and better! I hope you all enjoy yours as well.

  5. Ecrivaine32 says:

    [The manipulation goes far … he’s good at making me feel tied to him. For example … sure, he didn’t make me do it, but I ended up financing a car for him, because he was so persuasive, and I felt so bad for him. He kept on me about how he could get a job with Uber (the popular car service that started in San Fran and is in NYC, DC and other areas) if he only had a new enough model of car. I have good credit and a steady job, and he had his own photography business, but hadn’t made much income or held a job in years. They wouldn’t finance him without him being able to show his current income through pay stubs (which, of course, he did not have to show); so I finally volunteered to do so. Now, I’m on a tight budget, and he’s not working, and I’m paying that stupid auto loan bill. He does watch my daughter, from time to time, so I guess it works out right now; but, often, I feel like I’m stuck in this arrangement. I worked really hard to have good credit again, after 20 years of not having it, and I don’t want to mess that up.

  6. Ecrivaine32 says:

    [He often threatens to give that car back and stop paying maintenance, any money toward it, insurance, property tax or anything … if I kick him out.

    • Anna says:

      [Feeling stuck isn’t a great feeling and yeah I feel you when you say that the manipulation runs deep. Something to think about is what you need to do to reach the goals you have for yourself, if you don’t want him in your life next year only you can do it. And taking some time to figure out how to do that might be helpful, because you guys are so involved in each others lives the change might not be sudden but might have to be gradual…and might include simple things like setting boundaries, sticking to your guns and not supporting his issues.

  7. resullins says:

    [Ugh. It has ALL already been said. So I’ll be succinct here.

    Stop sleeping with him first and foremost.
    Kick him to the curb.
    Cut him off.
    Sell the car right out from under him. If you financed it, it’s legally yours to sell.
    Stop letting this man manipulate you!

    You seem like a smart woman, and you will find someone. Don’t EVER let the fear of being alone scare you into being with someone like this. This guy is ridiculous. I’ll also echo the sentiment above that you need to be setting a better example for your child! Please get out! Remember how much happier you were when you left him!

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