Boyfriend Communication

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about seven months. When we first started dating, we saw eachother every day for over a month. We were always together and finding the most fun things to do. We would go paddle boarding and take lots of day trips to other towns and lots of shopping and swimming. We had such a fun time. We were inseparable and never got sick of eachother. Even when I went on vacation, we were texting every day for at least a few hours. About two months ago, my boyfriend moved into his own apartment with his best friend and his friends fiancé. Ever since then, he’s been more distant. I understand why and I expected it. But it went a little far for me when he blatantly ignored me for over a week claiming he was stressed out and needed alone time. I know he gets stressed out, I wasn’t mad, just told him I wanted a heads up next time. He apologized and we were great. But now he’s doing it again a month later. He hasn’t talked to me in nearly a week. Is this normal? For your boyfriend to just ignore you? I understand giving him space and I always try to, but I already had to talk to him about this once before

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4 thoughts on “Boyfriend Communication

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Needing space and alone time is normal. But this is kind of a red flag:

    “…when he blatantly ignored me for over a week claiming he was stressed out and needed alone time.”

    From my experience, when someone goes as far as to say, “I need space,” that’s usually (not always — but usually) a sign they’re starting to check out of the relationship.

    The point isn’t that he needs space — or even how much space he needs, actually. The point is that being with you isn’t giving him the space he wants. There’s an imbalance in the relationship where one person wants to be with the other person more than the other person is willing to give.

    Unfortunately, this isn’t something that you can easily fix. If you back off, then you’re going to feel like you don’t see him enough. But if you don’t, then he’s going to feel pressured. That’s why this type of imbalance (again, from my experience — it’s not *always* the case, so you still have hope) usually signals that the relationship isn’t going to work out.

    The bottom line is, everyone gets stressed out. And everyone deals with stress in a different way. So what you have to figure out is whether or not he’s using his stress as an excuse to push away. No one here can say for sure, obviously, but given the way you described it, I’m leaning towards him using stress as an excuse. Here’s a piece I wrote that might shed some light on the behavior:

    http://www.musingsonlifeandlove.com/2010/06/04/how-i-get-a-girl-to-break-up-with-me/

    Anyway, given that there is still quite a bit of uncertainty here, I wouldn’t suggest giving up right away. But, I would say to be cautious, because it sounds like he’s just not that into you… anymore.

  2. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Sadly, I’m going to have to agree with a bulk of what Dennis said above.

    Here’s my speculation on what has transpired here.

    Everything was gumdrops on roses, and whiskers on kittens, that is until he moved into his own place with a friends. I’m assuming before this he wasn’t living in a place that was “his”? If so, he’s now getting a taste of life on his own, and there’s a slight possibility he’s liking that FREE feeling that one doesn’t getting to fully appreciate when in a relationship.

    He doesn’t have anyone to answer to, or hinder his schedule. Well…except for in his mind, where that person could be you. He’s probably feeling a bit anchored down by the relationship.

    Again, this is all speculation.

    He may have also started off thinking he was the type of guy who wanted/needed that daily constant communication with a significant other, and now realizes that he’s fine if a day (or two) goes by without any communication.

    Unfortunately, since he’s given a reason/excuse for his disappearance. Stress or not…if you’re really into someone you don’t let that get in the way from communication with someone for an entire week. Did you ever try and reach out to him during this week-long silent treatment? If you did, and he didn’t respond within roughly 24 hours…then all bets are off.

    It seems here he’s trying to just gradually phase you, and the relationship, into non-existence.

    You need to call him out, but don’t be confrontational about it as he’ll only push back and probably immediately call off the relationship status. Let him know that when he goes dark it hurts you; but be sure to let him know that if he’s stressed, needs space, etc.; all he has to do is communicate that to you.

    Good Luck.

  3. resullins says:

    [Yup… the boys are right. He’s unhappy. That could be for a variety of reasons, but he’s testing his independent boundaries, and you’re getting in the way.

    I’m with Matt up there. Talk to him about it. Address it. But don’t be clingy. Say that you’re feeling left out and hurt. Tell him you feel like he’s not that into you. Tell him everything you’re feeling. If he shapes up, that’s awesome. If he doesn’t… well then you have your answer.

    Whatever you do… don’t sit around waiting for him to come back to you. Or wait for him to figure out what he wants to do. You’re an active participant in this relationship… act like one.

  4. lilredbmw says:

    [Any way you slice it, he isn’t being the guy you need him to be in the relationship, right? You were once having a great time and now he’s stressed and distant? If this was a marriage I might say seek counseling or try to work it out. But to me it sounds like a relationship that has run it’s course. Would you really want to be with someone who shuns you when a little stress arises? Nah. I say, talk to him to let him know you had fun, and you care about him, but that it’s best to just go your separate ways. Maybe it could work out at another time. But for now, move on.

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