Should I break up with my fiance?

My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We own a house together and live together. But six months ago, I began having doubts about our long-term compatibility.

I love discussing big issues: religion and politics. He can’t stand it.

I’m deeply spiritual; he’s firmly agnostic.

I crave affection; he doesn’t.

Recently, the physical intimacy has completely ended. We never touch. Ever. He’s even mentioned twice that he’s no longer attracted to me, but he’s attracted to other people.

He talks about marriage and stability and material comfort, but I wonder if he wants those things generally (with anyone), not necessarily with me specifically. More and more, I feel like we’ve become roommates or friends, instead of a couple.

Breaking up would be messy. He’s a great guy; we share the same friends; our lives are so intertwined.

I don’t want to mess up my life, but I’m so unhappy. Why isn’t he? Is this the life he wants? Is this normal?

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11 thoughts on “Should I break up with my fiance?

  1. Joanna says:

    [I don’t think it will get better for you. A couple months ago, I ended a four year relationship where we lived together but intimacy had died and he was not interested in restarting it. So I left. It left a big void in my life that I am still looking to fill. I think you should break up with him. Be strong and take control of your destiny. Do new activities. Go new places and meet different people. The status quo is not enough for you. Make it your mission to find new happiness.

  2. resullins says:

    [Ok, this statement says it ALL: “I don’t want to mess up my life, but I’m so unhappy.” Honey, leave! You’re unhappy. You don’t like the same things. You’re not in a relationship. You have become companions.

    It may be messy, but it’s only going to get messier the longer you stay. Get out now, and save yourself an unhappy marriage, an unhappy life. And god forbid you have children… that’s not what they need to grow up thinking of relationships.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    [Yikes, that sounds like an awful situation to be in, and I am sorry you’re going through this. When you’re this firmly nested into a relationship, I can only imagine how difficult breaking up would have to be.

    Honestly, I can’t say that I’ve ever been in your position, so I feel like it would be dismissive of me to say, “Well, duh, just break it off already.” I know that’s way easier said than done.

    At the same time, if you step back and read what you wrote objectively, it strikes me as perfectly clear what you need to do.

    My suggestion is to open up a conversation with him about it. And not just one conversation, either. I’m talking a conversation that may take months to settle. Maybe even seek counseling. This is no easy decision, but I also believe this is a decision that both of you need to come to together.

    Good luck, whatever road you decide to take.

  4. Solstice says:

    [I agree with all of the others who have responded. You’re not happy, and he is attracted to other people! Your lives may be very intertwined, but you can move on. My boyfriend got out of an 8 year relationship a little over a year ago. They were engaged, but she started cheating with multiple guys and things were never the same after that. They also had a house together. Now? He’s with someone who loves and respects him, and a whole new group of friends. He is so much happier and less stressed than he was at the tail end of his previous relationship.

    Nothing good will happen if you continue in your relationship. It will be very hard but you can do it, and both of your lives will be much better in the long run. You can move on and find happiness.

  5. LCP says:

    [I agree with everyone above. You two have been together for a while, but your long-term compatibility is nil. And you’re unhappy.

    This sounds like the life neither of you wants, but you both feel you’re too entrenched to leave. Unraveling the ties of a six-year relationship will be tough, but both of you deserve to find someone you’re happy with (just a thought: might the fiance be asexual?).

    Just remember: you may have invested a lot into this relationship, and you may feel like a failure because it didn’t last forever. But just because you two aren’t meant for each other forever doesn’t mean this relationship was a waste of your time. Most relationships don’t last forever!

    Just because it was short doesn’t mean it’s worthless, especially since you’ve learned so much about yourself and what you want. Use that knowledge to find an affectionate, spiritual guy who loves a deep debate.

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [Brilliantly said. I don’t think I could have said it any better…and I would have tried.

      But this….

      ***slow building 80’s clap***

      To the OP:

      You need to tell HIM all of this. It’ll be a difficult conversation, and I would absolutely make sure it’s done with no distractions (phones off, TV off, etc).

      Keep it civil and about the relationship…without any blame towards either of you. Try to avoid phrases like “You do ___…” or “You don’t ____…”; but let it focus mainly on how you’ve been feeling; how everything lately has been making you feel. He may very well be feeling similar things but is afraid to cause waves in a content-way-of-living.

      Of anything…it’s definitely better to get this done now rather than say after a wedding.

  6. kerplunkLYN says:

    [I wonder if any of the advice above would be different if the OP said that she had been married for 6 years. Perhaps I am naive and perhaps I fight far too long for love, but I happen to believe that falling in love is rare and that relationship problems, no matter how strong the love, are common, especially in relationships outlasting the honeymoon phase. I also believe that while you may find new love, you will also eventually find a different set of problems.

    Am I the only one who seems to accept that in love (and life in general) going through periods of dissatisfaction are common & do not necessarily mean starting over?

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [I get what you’re saying. I agree that physical attraction and those intense feelings of love will fade over time, and I do believe that if you’ve made a commitment to someone, you have to be willing to work through the inevitable lulls. So, I’m 100% with you on that.

      At the same time, though, given the way the blurb poster describes the relationship, I think they’ve gone way past than just a lull in the relationship. She didn’t say that she was feeling blah about everything. She said that she’s feeling very unhappy. I think that’s a big red flag.

      Either way, though, I still think she needs to talk to him first and foremost….

    • LCP says:

      [This seems like more than just “outlasting the honeymoon phase.” Zero physical intimacy (after six months or six years) is not normal.

      I think fighting for love is a great idea if there’s still love to fight for, but beating a dead horse is not.

      If the OP is this unhappy after six years, imagine how miserable she’ll be in another 10 or 20 years. Imagine 20 years with a husband who doesn’t understand you and refuses to touch you.

      The OP should absolutely take the advice given by Joanna, EricaSwagger, and Dennis, and have a serious talk, and maybe counseling, with her fiance about their current life and their future. But she shouldn’t marry this guy, and she shouldn’t stay just because she’s reluctant to give up on love.

      I’d say the same if they were married. Right now, before they do make that commitment to each other, they have time to reevaluate and keep from making a big mistake.

  7. EricaSwagger says:

    [I was in a similar situation and I know now I made the right decision. It took a lot of strength to get out of my relationship, and even more strength to eventually get over. I found strength I didn’t know I had. It was extremely hard for me to talk to my ex about potentially breaking up. I brought it up in the hope that he’d fight for us. He didn’t, and so I had my answer.

    But then for months I lived with regret that I had made the wrong decision. I was miserable and lonely for a long time. And even once I moved past the sinking regret, I felt angry that I had wasted so much time. I was angry with my ex for not fighting for us or trying harder, I was angry with myself for not leaving sooner. Eventually I had a breakthrough moment. Doesn’t matter why or how or when it ended. It ended, and that was right, because I chose it and I know myself.

    You know yourself. You know you’re unhappy. You will leave, and you will experience what I did, and then you’ll be happy again. Talk to him. Find an apartment. Take time to be sad and angry and frustrated and lonely… It’ll all pass. Choose to be unhappy for a while, rather than for the rest of your life.

  8. Annie says:

    [You have sad he’s admitted he’s not attracted to you. Are you still attracted to him? Do you love him? Six years and a house is a big investment both emotionally and financially and while I agree with the posts from the others that you should not stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy, relationships can have their ups and downs and things might change again. Is there a chance you could go to conselling together and discuss what’s going on? Ultimately you may still decide to leave but at least you’ll have piece of mind that it was the right decision for both of you.

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