I wanted a nice guy, but is he TOO nice?

I am a single female, 27 years old. I met a guy at a bar (Confession: I was really drunk and don’t remember most of our meeting) and gave my number to him. I got a text the next morning asking if I wanted to go out sometime, and I agreed. A few days later we went out for appetizers and drinks, then to a karaoke bar. My first impressions of him were that he was nice, but a little awkward but first dates can be awkward. The night finished with just a hug, and I figured that was OK since we were just getting to know each other.

We went out a second time last night, this time was ice skating and an open mic night at a local bar. Again we talked and he seems nice, but there was no flirting, not even trying to hold my hand during ice skating or even trying to put an arm around me, nothing. I tried to flirt with him, with touches on the arm or taking his hand so I could “get a better look at his class ring”, playfully hitting him when he made a joke, etc. but I feel weird doing more than that if he’s not going to reciprocate.

At this point I’m even wondering what his level of interest really is. He said he wants to go out again so I’m giving him another shot. My question is, do I just straight up ask him why he hasn’t even tried to make the most innocent of moves? (I mean, come on. I had more action than this when I held hands with my “boyfriend” in 7th grade!) Do I grab him and kiss him and see what happens? I’m just confused. I know that I wanted a nice guy who wasn’t just trying to hit it and quit it, but if he hasn’t done more than a perfunctory hug at the start and end of a date then that’s taking it a little too slow for me.

10 thoughts on “I wanted a nice guy, but is he TOO nice?

  1. resullins says:

    [Don’t rely on him to make the first move. If you like him, hold his hand, give him a goodnight kiss, whatever. He’s obviously into you, as he’s made clear in his communication. But maybe he’s just shy, or feels a little awkward. The passive-aggressive flirty just makes you look coquettish, and that’s not the way to impress a guy you like.

    Go out on a limb, girl! Do it to it!

  2. LCP says:

    [Take yes for an answer: he keeps asking you out and you have a nice time. Even though he’s into you, he may just be shy about making a move, or maybe he just likes to take things slower than you, or maybe he’s not super into public PDA. Don’t ask him why he hasn’t made a move — just go for it!

  3. kerplunkLYN says:

    [“The passive-aggressive flirty just makes you look coquettish, and that’s not the way to impress a guy you like.”

    ^ The OP is not “passively aggressively” flirting, she is flirting. She is showing interest physically without crossing any boundaries that seem unwelcome.

  4. Drew says:

    [It’s been 3 dates. Some of us are shy and not sure how to make a move. It doesn’t sound like he’s not interested. Go for it. Kiss him.

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [This pretty much described me to the ‘T’ during my dating days. He definitely seems into you, otherwise he wouldn’t be continuing to ask you out. He may still be uncertain how into him you are.

    For example, even though you feel you’re being obvious with your flirting (taking his hand to look at his ring, playful hitting) he may think that’s just part of your personality and you’re like this with other friends (male & female). It may not be flirting to him, but more-so an outgoing personality.

    It took me (technically) 4 dates to even kiss my now fiance’. It wasn’t even until that 4th date that we had physical contact (had my arm around her while we watched Pitch Perfect at my apartment) besides hugging good night after previous dates.

    Make a move that makes it obvious you’re into him. If you’re walking somewhere, put your arm through his and get close. If you’re in a situation (like a movie) where hand holding could be going on…make sure your hand is near him and easy to grab. Heck, if you feel up to it you should just grab his hand.

    Don’t fret. If he likes you, he’ll make the move…just give him a little more time.

    • resullins says:

      [Um… will you marry me? My husband would never watch Pitch Perfect with me!

      But really… ^^^WHS. That’s what I mean by “passive aggressive” flirting. It’s not obvious. You need to be obvious.

  6. Jasmine says:

    [I had a friend go through this recently- and I would say the guy she was dating was sending way stronger signals- sure, no kiss, but presents, hand holding, etc. When she finally made a move to kiss him it was pretty awkward and she was basically rebuffed (the usual “I just don’t know” speech.)
    So, if you like him and want it to go further and need that answer soon, sure- be direct, ask the hard question, make a move. But be prepared that you may not get the answer you want.
    Personally, sounds to me like he’s only interested in being friends. I think guys who take it slow and are respectful are awesome- my husband took a week of dates to kiss me; in the meantime, he was paying for dinners and holding my hand so at least I knew he was interested in wooing me, and not just being friends.
    I guess I would recommend just asking if you are dating or just friends to take the pressure off of wondering where your relationship is going. And if he is interested romantically, then let him be a nice guy for a little longer!

  7. Dennis Hong says:

    [As another one of those guys who used to be horrible at making the first move, I agree that you should go for it, too. Some guys really are awkward when it comes to flirting and showing physical affection, especially if you already got the vibe that he might be a bit awkward.

    There is a flip side to this situation, which Jasmine touched on, and which I wrote about here (and which a bunch of the more-timid-type guys didn’t appreciate):


    I think this is definitely a possibility, but honestly, there’s no way for you to know for sure. So, I don’t think you really have anything to lose by making the first move at this point (i.e., just kiss him).

    But don’t keep making all the moves if he doesn’t reciprocate.

    • Jasmine says:

      [Great article on this issue! Also why I recommend playing the safe route and directly asking over making a physical move. After all, if this is the start of something wouldn’t you rather start open communication right up front rather than basing your assumptions on non verbal physical cues?

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