To this day I can’t understand what were his feelings

Hi, everyone! I’m going to talk about a situation from my past, because I could never really put my finger to it, and I would love to understand someone’s behaviour. Almost four years ago I met and dated a guy with whom I fell completely in love. I even had the gut feeling that he was the one, or close enough. We were quite compatible, we got along almost perfectly, it felt like we had known eachother for years, we would talk for hours and hours, stare deeply and long into eachother’s eyes, you get the picture. But he was always a very peculiar person, quite introverted, most of the time reluctant to speak about his feelings or even his present life, although he was comfortable speaking about his past. At a certain point we started having problems, because I could tell when something was troubling him, and I would question him and he would shut me out, telling me he didn’t want to worry me and that he was used to solving his problems alone, inside his head. I would complain about it, we would have arguments, but he would remain closed, without opening himself up to me, and slowly this started to undermine our relationship. At a certain point we stoped seeing eachother, he wouldn’t ask me out and wouldn’t accept my invitations, but we would still talk online for hours and hours, and everything was apparently the same between us, except the part that we would not meet in person. This situation led to more arguments, and on the last one of them, he reveals to me that we were no longer meeting in person because we had broken up two weeks earlier… Apparently he decided it all for himself, didn’t comunicate it to me at the moment of his decision, but all the talking had remained almost exactly the same as before. I was devastated, and only asked him to tell me why he was considering us over, and his answer was that I wanted a “regular” relationship, a commitment and so on. I couldn’t believe what I was listening, because in pretty much everything he was behaving like we were in fact together as a couple, actually, the last time we had been together he had told me, out of the blue, that we were to him a steady boyfriend and girlfriend. I just wanted to get away, as humiliated as I was, and told him to get out of my life, and that’s when the real nonsense started… He just wouldn’t accept that I didn’t want to stay friends with him, I even remember the tone of panic in his voice when I told him that piece of news. He would not accept that I was in pain either, or that I even loved him, actually he even invited me to have dinner so we could talk and he would help me through it all… I was astonished with all the surreal situation happening to me, and all I wanted was to get away from him, immediately. I didn’t know what was hurting more, the end of the relationship or the disrespect towards my feelings. I tried to stop all communications but he would send me messages frequently, insisting on our friendship, practically trying to force it, and pretending that our love, if I may call it that way, never happened. I was ignoring all his messages, thinking he might give up someday, but this took months, even longer than the time we were together. I got tired of ignoring, and we had another argument, told him he had to be insane, that it was unbelievable that he could be after me insisting on a friendship that I wanted less and less, that he was making it all the more impossible for it to happen, that he was disrespecting me and making my healing all the more difficult. He would answer that there was no healing to make, that the love was still there, only had transformed into another kind of love. When I asked why would he insist on being friends with a person that clearly had no interest in that, that was ignoring him for months and was now becoming hostile towards him, he would say that he didn’t have to have a reason, or would say that he wanted it because he was stupid. The conversation ended with me calling him selfish and mentally disturbed, and I blocked him. However, about a month later he was able to send me an email where he was clearly very upset, calling me insensitive, saying that I was hurting him deeply and that it was not fair and he didn’t deserve it after all that we had lived together. Trust me, anyone that didn’t know about the whole story, if they read that message, they would think that I was the one who broke up and he wanted me back… Later that week I answered, and since silence and reasoning had done nothing, and I wanted nothing but distance from him, and was just comsumed by the sadness of what we had become, and how my gut feelings were so wrong, I tried a rude approach, telling him to go to hell (and worse), and it stopped. The messages stopped. At least any messages containing demands for friendship. Ever since, from time to time, once or twice a year, he sends me links to stuff I like. He says nothing, just the links, usually to articles about my favorite writters or videos of silent movies. I never answered him back, but in a certain way, it still hurts when he does this, even after all this time. 5 minutes after he told me that “we have broken up two weeks ago” I was pretty sure that I wanted nothing to do with him again, but I think I can’t get a proper closure until I could understand what were ever his feelings towards me and his motivations to do what he did, concerning our break up, and afterwards. Since asking him directly was a failure, I came here today to ask for your opinion, whoever you are. I was never able to understand that man, and for someone who was supposedly so unnattached, so unsensitive, he surely made a huge fuss about me wanting to leave his life completely. Was he regreting having broken up, but was unable to say out loud his feelings and wishes to come back? Was he trying to “help me” by remaining friends, but only to avoid feeling guilty about hurting me? What are your theories? Thank you…

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2 thoughts on “To this day I can’t understand what were his feelings

  1. resullins says:

    [Ok wow. I’m going to guess from your post that brevity and expediency aren’t your particular forte. And I’m going to guess that’s contributing to this little “problem.”

    It seems like you’re asking more for insight to the previous issues, as opposed to asking for help regarding him still hurting you. I’m going to give you both.

    In regards to your current situation: block his number. It’s that simple. You say you never respond anyway, so he’s not going to know. And it’s doing nothing but hurting you. This is one of the few times in a relationship you can truly prevent your own heartache without hurting anyone else in the process. Take it.

    As for what he was thinking then, the only possibility that’s coming to mind is the well-played cliche that men have the emotional range of a mop. He either didn’t really know how he felt about you, and was trying to keep you dangling while he figured it out; or there’s the far more plausible answer that he knew EXACTLY how he felt about you, and was keeping you around for the sex.

    Also, in the future, you’ll probably get a lot more advice if you make it easier for people to read your blurbs. I’m not trying to be mean, at all, I promise. More people will help if you don’t write an entire novella.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [My gut tells me that he didn’t want to be with you, but also wanted to know that you were still available should he change his mind. In other words, he wanted you to be his backup plan. Given how attached you seemed to be to him, he probably expected that you would accept his friendship. And when you didn’t, the thought of you being gone forever freaked him out.

    That’s my guess, anyway.

    But here’s the thing….

    Even if my guess is right, even if he did freak out that he might lose you forever, that doesn’t actually mean that he really did want to be with you. All it means is that he’s a selfish dick who wants to keep you on the back burner just in case he can’t find anyone else.

    Well, you don’t want to be the back burner girl, right? Because that’s your best-case scenario at this point.

    The bottom line is this: You’ll likely never know for sure what exactly is going on inside his head. But that really doesn’t matter. At no point did he ever indicate that he did actually want a real relationship with you. My recommendation is just to accept that you’re not going to get closure, cut off him permanently, and get on with your life.

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