I’m in love with a lesbian, and don’t know what to do

Ok, here goes…. Like the title says, I’m in love with a lesbian. She and I have known each other since high school, and we’ve dated a couple times over the years. The thing is, before we ever got together as kids, she was into girls. I never knew, and she was scared to tell me. We wound up breaking up, but staying friends, after which she came out to everyone. Then, about two years ago, she told me she wanted to try with me again. It took a lot of soul searching, and she was afraid of what people would say, because she’s more “butch”, but I decided to go for it. And we were great together. No fights, we enjoyed a lot of the same stuff, and had fun in the bedroom. After about six months, we got engaged, and everything was still going fine. Then, a few months later, she misses her monthly, and the home pregnancy test gives a positive. We both got kinda worried/excited, but after a couple weeks, we found out it was a false positive.

She started to get more and more withdrawn, and eventually broke up with me, because, she said,”I love you and love being with you, but I want to be with girls more.” She started crying, I started crying, the whole nine yards. We stayed friends, and there have been a couple girls since, but nothing lasts too long. And, hard as I try, I can’t stop feeling the way I did when we were together. I don’t show it, or act on it, but it’s there. It doesn’t help that she sometimes acts like she did before, either. There have even been a couple times, when we were both single, where she asked me to have sex with her. It causes me a lot of internal conflict, and I don’t know how to resolve it, because I love her as a friend, and am still in love with her at the same time. Does anyone have some advice on how to handle this? Other than copious amounts of alcohol? (Haha)

5 thoughts on “I’m in love with a lesbian, and don’t know what to do

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Well, copious amounts of alcohol will probably just make you want to have sex with her even more, so… maybe not even that. 🙂

    I think you should read this blurb that was posted right before yours, because it comes from someone who’s in a similar situation:


    Ultimately, I think she’s made it clear that she’s never going to love you the same way that you love her. And that means your only option at this point is to move on. Unfortunately, it just doesn’t sound like you’re ready to move on yet. Logically, you may realize that there’s no hope with her, but something deep down seems to be clinging on to some semblance of hope.

    Well, figure out what that something is… and squelch it. Because the sooner you do that, the sooner you’ll be able to get on with your life.

    • Ophaniel says:

      [I read the other posting that you suggested. My situation is similar, but I don’t think I could cut her out of my life completely. We’ve known each other for over ten years, and she’s one of the very few people that I trust completely. She’s heard some really deep, dark stuff about me, and she’s never wavered in her friendship. I know that she’s not going to care for me the same way, but I’m also not a miserable wreck without her. I’m just having a hell of a time squelching that part of me.

    • Ophaniel says:

      [Also, sorry bout the negative 4, I was trying to click the helpful button, but my phone is being a jackass 😛

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [No worries! A few negative points isn’t going to kill me. 🙂

      Believe me, man, I’ve all been in the same boat (well, maybe not the in-love-with-a-lesbian part, but certainly the not-able-to-cut-her-out-of-your-life part). And for that, I think you just have to give yourself time. Unfortunately, there’s really no way around it. But as long as you know you need to get over her on a logical level, at some point, your gut level will catch up… hopefully.

      Good luck….

  2. resullins says:

    [Youch dude… this is a toughie.

    She’s obviously conflicted about this, but she seems to have made up her mind. She likes women. That’s not to say she doesn’t love you, which is why she’s hurting so badly. There’s nothing you can do for her right now, and she’s certainly not going to make you feel any better.

    You have to let her go. You know the old saying “if you want to see if something is yours, let it go and see if it comes back to you?” ((Obviously, I’m paraphrasing here, but you get the gist). That’s what you need to do here. You need to let this girl go, so that she can figure herself out. Figure out what she really wants and what she really needs. Who knows, she could be very legitimately bisexual, and she’ll discover that she loves you. She may be completely and totally gay, in which case you two may have a chance at a friendship one day. But right now, you’re pinning her down into the identity that she’s no longer secure in. And she’s leading you on instead of letting you realize what you need to make YOU happy.

    All that to say, I am, unfortunately with Dennis on this one. Walk away. Quickly and with reckless abandon. Who knows what will happen down the road… but you two are crushing each other right now.

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