My best friend’s boyfriend is destructive to her self esteem and our relationship

My best friend’s boyfriend, let’s call him john, is not my favorite person in the world (I hate him). He is such an asshole to both my friend (piper?) and myself, among others. He frequently makes fun of piper and takes joy in pointing out her short comings and mis phrases. She has told me multiple times how much she hates this, and feels so unfeeling now. But apparently she feels like she’s in love with him? Meanwhile he tries to be my friend, but whenever me and piper hang out he constantly texts her, or wants to skype, or even asks her out to dinner (he never wants to date any other time) just because he is clingy and jealous. He told me once that piper wanted to send me this letter back when we were in one of our rough patches (caused by him I might add), and it tore me apart (hard to do btw). Turns out he wrote that himself not her, I am furious. He’s trying his damnedest to come between us and it drives me up the wall. Piper knows I hate him, and she gets upset so often, what do I do? Do I tell him how I feel? I just want my friend to be happy, and she’s lying to herself about how she feels, she breaks down in my car over this piece of shit.any advice would be helpful, I know this may be a bit confusing.

4 thoughts on “My best friend’s boyfriend is destructive to her self esteem and our relationship

  1. Ophaniel says:

    [Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do. If you start telling him how you feel about him, he seems likely to attempt to twist it around and cause more friction between you and piper. And if you push her, and she isn’t ready to make the choice to leave him, she will resent it, and thus more friction again. The only one who can get piper to leave john is piper. I’ve dealt with a similar situation with one of my friends. The more I pushed, the worse things got between us. I finally let it go, and she wound up ending it on her own. I think it’s because they need to allow themselves to see it without anyone’s input.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Pretty much what Ophaniel said.

    I’ve been in the same position, too (i.e., a friend of mine was dating a horrible guy and would always complain to me about him, but still stayed with him for over a year), and I think your only option at this point is to distance yourself from Piper, because their dysfunctional relationship is starting to affect you, too, and that’s not fair to you.

    If/when you do distance yourself from Piper, though, don’t do it in a melodramatic, ultimatum kind of way. Don’t say it’s you or him, because… well, she’ll pick him.

    Instead, just start making less of an effort to hang out with her. And give her as little opportunity as possible to complain about him. Don’t be a shoulder for her to cry on anymore.

    At some point, she’ll probably notice that you’ve become scarcer and scarcer, and she might ask you why. So you tell her, “Look, I hear you complaining about him all the time, and it kills me to see you in so much pain. To me, it’s obvious what you need to do, but you have to make the decision yourself. All I know is that, at this point, I hear the same complaints over and over again, and I just can’t handle that anymore. So I’m sorry, but I can’t continue to be a shoulder for you to cry on anytime you have an issue with him.”

    In a way, you being there for her whenever she has a breakdown actually makes it easier for her to stay with him, because she knows she has a support system in place for when she gets upset at him. On the other hand, if she realizes that you’re no longer going to support her, maybe that will help push her to do what she needs to do.

    You certainly can’t make her break up with him. so all you can do is make sure you’re *not* making it easier for her to stay with him, and then hope that she comes to the right decision on her own….

  3. resullins says:

    [This is a toughie. Dennis and Ophaniel have given you some good tips. The only thing I would add is NOT FEED THE TROLL. Do not in any way give in to or in any way engage his behavior. When you and your friend are hanging out, don’t let her bitch to you. Don’t talk about him. If he tries to butt in, go ahead and let him. Let her continue sabotaging this friendship until she finally sees that he’s breaking it.

    Rise above sister. She’ll figure it out, but only if you’re not constantly trying really hard to band-aid all the wounds.

  4. Peter434 says:

    [I agree. Make it clear how you feel about him and peace outta there. She’s gotta figure it out on her own.

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