Why did i get married?

In 2011, I lived in Germany with my military family close to the time of Thanksgiving I met this guy. This guy gave me the most attention ive could ever ask for, he treated me with the most respect and he made me feel like I was a queen but because of highschool issues and to avoid drama we decided to keep our relationship a secret as he was very popular and I didn’t stand out enough. During the time we had together we got extremely close with eachother couldn’t stand to go a day without talking to eachother. Unfortunately his family as well as mine was military and he was leaving Germany after new years, the split tore us apart and the very last day he told me he loved me. We talked every for the next two weeks after he was stationed in Florida. What happened after that was history he started school again and so did I we moved on and apart from one another never to speak again. Eventually I ended up moving back to the states and and graduated and so on, I moved out and landed myself in Missouri in 2013. i always checked in on him curious as to how he was and when i found out he had found a girl, joined the military and married her i deleted my facebook and tried to forget it all. 2014 rolled around and I met guy number two, I convinced myself hes the one and we dated for about 8 months never separated and he lived in my apartment. Recently we got married and its been nothing but stress and hell, constantly fighting and crying yelling and wanting to leave each other because of issues that constantly come up. You see hes a drunk and craves constant attention from other people, so he needs to have a million and one eyes on him at all times. conceited. As of 4 days ago i decided maybe it about time i put my facebook back up and get back in contact with old friends jump back on the planet and let everyone know im not dead. Not even a day after it was up, i get a facebook friend request from guess who. Guy number one.
We have been talking now everyday nonstop, talking about how things use to be and about how things are now. How much we miss each other and what we miss about each and how we wish we could see each other.
It seems like we have fallen back to our old way. He made a comment to me that he wants to come see me and he wants to make sure im happy take care of me because he cares about me. How he regrets letting me go and wishes he didn’t join the military or get married or move away because things between us could have been perfect. He told me he thinks he wants to leave his wife (who is absolutely beautiful) because he cant get me off his mind and he has never felt like this with anyone but me the feelings came back when we started talking and he cant stop.
We Skype while hes at work and i can talk to him all day long until my husband gets home and when he goes home to his wife i get very delayed responses. Today, he told me he loves me and its not just a fling or a phase he cant shake the feeling and he doesn’t want to but he doesn’t know how to go about only being with me.
I cant just tell him to get a divorce and i don’t know if i cant just leave my horrible marriage behind for something i don’t know if definite. I believe what he tells me and that he loves me, he plans to come visit me and asks me daily what can i do to make you believe me.
Its gotten to the point that i cant stand to be around my husband i have to kind of attraction to him at all anymore and i cant have sex with him because i feel wrong. I cant pretend i love this man when i am secretly telling another i love him. But hes also telling his wife he loves her.
All of this is very confusing.
Should i leave my life behind and pursue one with guy number one.
or should i wait to see where this goes with him and stay with my husband only to cause more confusion for him.
I am so lost..
Please Help.

4 thoughts on “Why did i get married?

  1. Drew says:

    [From an old married guy….
    please, first and foremost, you need to deal with your current marriage. It sounds like divorce is the right answer but only you know that for sure. And that answer is not dependant upon whether guy 1 is our will be available.
    second, please tell guy 1 that you need time to deal with your marriage and to respect your need to work it out and grieve if it ends before you start with anyone. Also, you need to make it clear that when you are ready that you won’t be the other woman. He needs to deal with his marriage too.
    Divorce happens. If you married the wrong guy end the marriage now before things get worse.
    BUT don’t divorce because you think it will be perfect with guy 1. It won’t be perfect. There will be struggles. Understand that learning to deal with the struggles is part of marriage.
    Good luck!!!!!!

  2. Solstice says:

    [I agree with Drew. It sounds like maybe you rushed into marriage with your husband, so you need to deal with that first. If you get a divorce, don’t do it just because you see a future with the first guy – do it because the two of you aren’t compatible and never should’ve gotten married in the first place. The first guy also needs to deal with his marriage, so let him do that as well.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    [First off, what Drew said.

    Second, I do have some additional thoughts. I’m not going to address the issue with your husband, because Drew made his point, and I wholeheartedly agree with it. What I am going to address is your old flame.

    From the way you’ve described the situation, I think it’s pretty clear what you need to do — leave your husband and pursue this guy from your past. But that’s the exact problem here:

    From the way you’ve described the situation….

    I can tell that your heart is set on this guy. But I think it’s also important to realize that you never really had a relationship with him (Thanksgiving to New Years — that’s, what, a little over a month?).* And when you’re on the outskirts of a relationship, fantasizing about the potential relationship you could have, it’s always going to look so much more appealing.

    You know what they say about the grass always being greener, right? Well, here’s the reality:

    No relationship is ever perfect. Every relationship is going to have its rough patches. And from my experience, the more “perfect” a potential relationship seems before you get into it, the more two people express how strongly they love each other and how deep their feelings are, the more likely it’s going to turn out to be a huge disappointment.

    Of course, I’ve also given relationship advice enough at this point to know that when someone is this deeply in love, there’s absolutely nothing I can say to sway them. 🙂 And in fact, the more anyone questions the validity of your feelings, the more strongly you’re going to feel them. That’s just how humans work.

    So, I realize the futility of my words here. And that’s why I can only suggest that you listen to what Drew says and work it out with your husband first. That should be your priority. But don’t do it because you believe you have true love waiting for you on the other side. That is by no means a certainty at this point, despite how you feel or what he says he feels.

    *Besides, secret relationships don’t count. In fact, that you had to keep it secret because he was popular and you didn’t “stand out enough”… um, that’s kind of a huge red flag there. And no, Skyping every single day doesn’t count, either. That’s infatuation, not love.

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