He disappeared on me, then texted me again out of the blue

Back In January, I met a guy on Match.com. We ended up going out three times. First date was for coffee, and second and third dates were for dinner. All of them went fine imo, and he seemed to be having fun, but I couldn’t read him very well.

He didn’t ask me out again at the end of our first date, but did text me a few days later and we made plans for a second date. Same after our second date. Because of that, I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t ask me out again at the end of our third date. Thing is, I didn’t hear again from him after our third date. I didn’t bother to text or call him back, though. I just figured he wasn’t interested and that was that.

Then a few days ago, he texted me totally out of the blue. At this point it’s been over a month since our last date. I didn’t even recognize his number since I had deleted it, so I texted back “Who is this?” He responded and said that just wanted to say hi and see how I’m doing. I replied, and we’ve been texting back and forth for a few days now. Mostly just chit chat stuff. Then today he asked if I wanted to get together sometime this week.

I told him I would have to check my schedule for this week, but I’m thinking I’ll probably say yes to going out with him again. I’m kind of annoyed that he ghosted me, but then again, he never did mention anything about seeing me again after our third date. I guess I have nothing to lose by giving him another chance.

So here’s my question: Should I ask him what happened? When we were texting, I hinted a couple times that I was curious what happened to him (I texted back “oh I didn’t expect to hear from you after so all this time”), but he hasn’t said anything. I suppose it doesn’t really matter, but I do kind of want to know why. I mean, maybe he started dating someone else he was more interested in, and that didn’t work out? Or maybe he’s just bored? What do you all think?

Or should I even agree to go out with him?

19 thoughts on “He disappeared on me, then texted me again out of the blue

  1. EricaSwagger says:

    [Okay I definitely feel you, here’s what happened to me:
    I was talking to this one guy for a few weeks, pretty casually, but then he just stopped texting. I kind of said “whatever” and moved on, it wasn’t like we had a love connection. But a month or two later he texted me again and we started talking a ton, and hanging out, and I thought we really liked each other a lot. It was safe to say this guy was “in my life”… Well about two months in, he just stopped texting again. I let a few days go by and said “hey wtf?” and he was all “Omg HI! I was just about to text you!” …Yeah right. He said he was busy but that we’d “talk soon” and I haven’t heard from him since.

    Anyway. My point is… if he’s done it once, he has it in him to do it again.
    I’m surprised he didn’t take the chance you gave him to apologize/make an excuse (“I didn’t expect to hear from you…’). I feel like most guys would be like “Yeah I’m really sorry, work was crazy and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to hang out for a while” or some other stupid white lie.

    Personally, I won’t be giving any more second chances, but maybe you’re not as bitter about it as I am lol. You’re right you don’t really have anything to lose. But by going out with him again you’re kind of letting him know it’s okay for him to treat you that way. I mean not every guy is going to act like my dude did, but you don’t really know this one yet.

    I’m sure someone else on here will tell you you’re putting too much thought into someone you had three dates with, just go for it, etc. Well, go for it then, but just be careful not to trust too quickly.

  2. kerplunkLYN says:

    [I am a true believer that when a man is truly interested in you, he will pursue you. And that if he really wanted to see you again, he would not let a month or more go by without reaching out. True, there could be some life explanations — work, school, messy ex-drama, or a sick parent. But, the fact that he didn’t share this information with you or apologize upfront makes me think something else is up.

    However, I don’t disagree with going out with him again, at least to hear what he has to say and see if you guys have a good time. My boyfriend & I went out a couple of times and I wasn’t really feeling it. I mean, I liked him, I found him attractive, but something just didn’t click for me immediately. In fact, I didn’t even have plans to go out with him again until someone else stood me up (and I admittedly called him as my back-up date). But thank guy that guy DID stand me up! It was on that date that I really realized what a great guy I had in front of me and we’ve pretty much been inseparable ever since.

    I say go for it! It’s only a date and either it changes the course of your relationship with this guy into something more, or you realize that both of you aren’t really feeling it and you can shut the door on it.

    Let us know how it turns out! And how he explains his disappearance…

  3. Missy says:

    [there is absolutely no harm in going out with him again. i would be curious, too, as to what happened during that month-long disappearance – and if you really want to know – just ask. hinting around the issue probably won’t get him to give you further information (as you have already found out), so just ask the question.

    good luck, and let us know how it goes!

  4. Anna says:

    [Yeah there are many reasons why people ghost, but I would ask him because if you are interested in this person it would be good to know the truth. And its only fair, because this could be a pattern for him.

    And here is the tricky part: communicating how that makes you feel, it is tricky because you guys have just been on 3 dates (and the online dating world has no rules) so ya,also this communication which is better in person rather than through text.

    And as far as going out with him, yeah if you are still into him do so. If not, you don’t have to. I mean I would want to say don’t do itbut it totally depends on you and how you feel about him. This coming from a girl who has been in a similar situation and did choose to go out with the guy (which was not a good idea for me)

    But I agree with Erica that going out with him may set him up to think that he can treat you this way and get away with it. So figure out what your boundaries are if this guy is worth the trouble ?

  5. Miriana Young says:

    [It sounds like he met someone else, dated them for a bit… It didn’t work out so he came back to you.
    Go on a date with him if you’d like but if he really wanted to be with you he wouldn’t have gone ghost. It’s him obviously using the site to just date around instead of looking for “the one”

    • Missy says:

      [i don’t think it’s fair to say that anything is “obvious” in this situation. there could be a million reasons for the break in communication, and assumptions are never a good rule-of-thumb.

    • Miriana Young says:

      [I guess I could agree except with so many different ways to keep communication with someone you have to actively NOT messaging them or whatever to actually not talk to them. You know?

    • Missy says:

      [i understand being skeptical about his intentions, but stating that he’s “obviously using the site to date around instead of looking for ‘the one'” is reaching a little too far, and assuming too much about someone who doesn’t even have a voice in the situation.

    • Miriana Young says:

      [I understand if I’m a little abrasive in my delivery but I call it as I see it. She wanted an opinion. She got one. “He’s just not that into you”. Go on the date. It’s a free dinner but don’t be surprised if it happens again.
      Besides. Why are you defending someone who obviously doesn’t have enough respect for this person to say “hey, I’m XYZ” this is what’s going on in my life. I want to stay in touch though. If he really wants to be with you. He will. It’s as simple as that.

    • Missy says:

      [i don’t disagree with what your first paragraph above – totally fair, but just to be clear, i’m not defending anyone. i’m simply stating that making broad-sweeping assumptions about situations you know nothing about is a bad idea. period.

  6. Joyce says:

    [Okay, something similar happened to me about 3 weeks ago. We went out for 4 dates over a year ago. He texts me out of the blue 3 weeks ago. This is how I handled it: I gave him a chance to meet with him, he didn’t show. He texted earlier that day with just an emoticon. I tell him I’m at the location and he says, well that’s why I texted you earlier, to tell you I wasn’t able to come, have to work late. My thing is, he could have said exactly that earlier if he knew that he was working late. Anyhow, he took his dear time to respond to each text. Asked to reschedule, I gave him two options and he doesn’t respond. He then responds a week later. I ask him after he said he missed me (total bullshit if you ask me…) what is it about me he missed, just to see if his response was genuine or crap. It was crap. He said: my smile, our conversation, and something else. Our conversation, I was talking mostly, and all he wanted to talk about was sex, and my smile, well, you can say that about anyone. I never responded back.

    So, in your situation, give it a chance to see if he’s changed/has a good reason for becoming a ghost, etc. And, definitely ask before you meet why–just point blank ask–I’d do it on the phone instead of text too. Ask other questions to feel him out, like I did about the above guy, to see if he’s being genuine or just wants something else out of it.

    • Joyce says:

      [Since we can’t edit our posts…here’s the continuation of mine…

      Also look at if you even want to give it a chance. It sounds like you don’t care–you deleted his number, you didn’t think he was interested despite not being able to read him, he hasn’t answered your questions or apologized for being MIA, etc.–you should look to his actions–he may just not like you as much as you would like him to be.

      While I said you should give it a chance, you should, only if you are interested and, I think, also depends on what he says about why he has not responded for a month but it seems he is avoiding telling you why too…

  7. MargieCharles says:

    [You said the dates went “fine.” This might be a bit of an assumption to make, and I could be projecting my own experiences onto this, but I’m going to take a leap and say that they were slightly awkward and there wasn’t much of a connection. Did you guys connect? Was the conversation flowing or was it halted and awkward? Did you get done with the date and think, “That was awesome. I’d love to do that again,” or was it more of a, “Meh. I guess I’d do it again.”

    Like I said, I could be projecting. I had a similar experience with a guy in college. It went nowhere. We went on a couple awkward dates. Communication would slow down or stop (not that it was ever that great to begin with), and then I’d get some random poetic text at 5am a couple months later. We’d talk again, go on another date that didn’t get anywhere, and then rinse and repeat. If I hadn’t gotten into a relationship with someone else more than a year after we initially started talking, I think it would have continued until he found someone else.

    I guess you don’t really have much to lose by giving it another shot. Maybe he has a legitimate reason and a family member died or something. But if it happened that those three dates were lackluster, do you want to give him another shot? And if you do go out with him and seek an explanation, I would be leery of any future behavior that would suggest that this is just going to be an endless cycle.

  8. Dennis Hong says:

    [I agree with the general sentiment that he doesn’t seem to be all that into you, but I do have an alternate perspective….

    You mentioned that you never texted him yourself after the third date. And it sounds like the entire time you’ve been corresponding, you’ve pretty much been waiting for him to take the initiative as far as contact goes.

    Now, I get that that’s just how some women are, but at the same time, he may also have been wondering how into him *you* were. I get the feeling that both of you may be the “play it cool” kinda person. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But at some point, he may have figured you were lukewarm, so he decided to back off, too. I mean, it would be one thing if you texted him five or six times after your third date, and he never responded. But that’s not the case here.

    Either way, I do agree with kerplunkLYN that chemistry can build over time, so I definitely think you’re making the right call my giving him another shot.

    As for your actual question… why not just ask him? Maybe that will help you two stop being so aloof with each other…. 🙂

  9. KathrynFK says:

    [I agree with Dennis that it’s important to consider that YOU never got in touch with HIM after that 3rd date. It sounds like each time you waited for him to ask you out, and you didn’t go out of your way to make contact. He probably wanted to know that you actually wanted to see him instead of just saying yes to a date out of boredom or politeness.

    Ages ago, I went out on a few dates with a guy I had lots of chemistry with but things sort of fizzled out. We saw each other years later and after talking realized that we both really did like each other after those few dates, but we both doubted the other’s interest and were waiting for the other person to make the next move.

    A man won’t (and shouldn’t) relentlessly pursue you regardless of how much interest you show. This isn’t the 50’s. If you like the guy, call and ask him out.

  10. resullins says:

    [I wouldn’t do it. He ghosted. There’s no reason to give him a second chance. If he was into you to begin with, he wouldn’t have left you hanging. He would have made his intentions known after the first date, and he would have been responsive after the third.

    I have to agree with the above poster that stated that it sounds like he dated someone else and it didn’t work out.

    Of course, I also have to agree that you seemed completely disinterested in him after your dates… by not getting in touch with him. But that doesn’t change the fact that he’s exhibiting the same behavior.

    I would just go on about your life. It’s clear neither one of you is completely vested in this “thing.”

  11. nightowl says:

    [Hi. I think there is no ghosting here at all, and if there is then you are both guilty of it for sure! He really didn’t leave you hanging he just didn’t get hold of you again – but you did the same to him. It would’ve been alot different if you sent him a text after the third date and he never responded. THAT is definitely ghosting, and I think that would be completely different. I agree with some of the other comments too – if he was really into you he would have made contact with you again, but then doesn’t the same apply to you though? Why didn’t you contact him after the third date? Were you into him?
    I don’t see there is anything wrong with seeing him again and also with asking him about why he didn’t contact you. Be prepared he may ask you the same thing.
    Are you really into this guy? If you’re not excited about seeing him again maybe just let it slide.

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