He’s in love with someone else?

We’ve only been dating for two months, so things haven’t gotten too serious. We met online about 9 months ago. Over Spring Break, he told me that he really liked me and wanted things to work out with me, but he’s in love with one of his friends, and needed to sort out his feelings for her first (he had addressed it with her before, and she told him she didn’t feel the same way). I told him I was willing to do whatever he wanted, whether it be stay together or part ways. just what he needed to do to be happy. Now, I already feel very strongly for him, and all of this hurt me really bad. Is it wrong for me to feel this way? Should we further discuss maybe taking time apart for the time being? I just need a little help sorting out my thoughts, any help would be greatly appreciated.

3 thoughts on “He’s in love with someone else?

  1. roomagic says:

    [I think many people have been through some form of this in their lives. However, I don’t think I’ll be in the majority when I tell you that I don’t think you need to take a break just yet. If he says he is in love with his friend but that she does not love him back, this is an unhealthy, one-sided kind of love. It is possible (not certain, but possible) that having a solid person who does care about him around could help him get over her. Give him some time to, as he said, sort out his feelings. He may come around and realize he wants a real relationship with someone who loves him back. But be prepared for him to say that he cannot get over her. People aren’t perfect, and they don’t always feel how we want them to. He has been honest and up front with you, and that is always a good sign. If nothing else, he respects you enough to tell you how he really feels. I know that I personally went through a similar situation when I first met my partner, “Matt”. I had recently gotten back in contact with an old high school friend/ crush at the same time I met my now partner. I pursued the crush and casually dated “Matt,” whom I really liked. I noticed that “Matt” really cared about me, and I also noticed that the crush didn’t care about me nearly as much. After a few months, I realized that there was no comparison. I wanted to be with someone who wanted me back. There is no guarantee that your situation will turn out the same, but you wont know for sure until he sorts out his feelings. Give him time.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [I get what roomagic is saying, but I do want to offer another possibility:

    If I meet someone, and she’s still in love with someone else, I can either be 1) the guy who helps her move on, because I’m everything this other guy wasn’t, or 2) the guy who isn’t what she wants and only serves as a reminder of what she loved about the other guy.

    Point being, if she’s not over the guy after two months of dating, then I’m probably not the one for her.

    Of course, I have to acknowledge that maybe she just needs time to get over this other guy (as roomagic points out), and then she’ll be able to develop feelings for me. And sure, on some level, that may be true. Maybe she has a ton of baggage she needs to sort through. Maybe she’s an emotional wreck after the breakup and really is in no place to be dating anyone right now.

    Yes, that’s all valid. But here’s the problem that I see right now: This isn’t the case for your guy. He doesn’t have any “baggage” with this other girl. She’s just a friend. They were never even together. It’s one thing if he was with this girl for 10 years and still getting over the breakup. It’s another thing when he’s basically infatuated with one of his friends and can’t get over her rejection of him.

    That, to me, is a huge red flag, and not at all the situation that roomagic went through. She said she pursued the old crush while casually dating her current man. She didn’t say that she was “in love” with the old crush. That’s what your guy is saying. After two months of dating you, if he can’t get his sh!t together on this, then I doubt he’s the one for you — nor are you the one for him.

    I guess you don’t have to give up all hope (mostly because I know how impossible that is when you feel strongly about someone). Keep him on the back burner if you absolutely need to. But I’m calling this one a bust. Just move on for now.

    • roomagic says:

      [That is a good point, Dennis. I did not think of it like that. There is a big difference between infatuation and love.

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