Awkward Sex Thing

Backstory: I’ve been seeing this guy for several months, very casually. We hang out like once a week, watch movies, go out for drinks, and we’re sleeping together. We have fun, we keep it light. [But like I don’t know his parents’ or siblings’ names. That’s what kind of casual I’m talking about.] I don’t get butterflies when I see him, we don’t hold hands, etc. We just have a casual friendly thing going on and it’s good how it is. For the record I am fine with this arrangement, and I don’t need anyone to tell me to be careful. I’m not a weak little girl letting a guy use me or manipulate me. He’s always respectful. We have trust.

We were open with each other about getting tested, etc., everything came back ok, and I’m on the pill, we had a conversation about seeing other people (we’re not), and so decided we weren’t going to use condoms. The precedent has been set that he’d pull out every time, and that’s always been what we do. Not because we think it’s a method of birth control (we’re not idiots) but just because that’s what we do. It feels more casual to pull out I guess lol. The reason isn’t important, the point is, that was our routine.

So last night we were having sex, and he had me get on top which I don’t usually do. He warned me that he was about to finish, and I just didn’t stop, and let him finish inside me. I thought it was sexy, I don’t know, I thought he’d like it for a change of pace.

After, we were laying in bed and I could tell he was thinking but he wasn’t talking, and I knew he felt weird about it. Eventually he said “I know it’s probably fine but I just don’t think we should do… that… again.”

I assured him I take my birth control religiously, and (duh) that’s the whole reason they invented birth control, so you can do that and not get pregnant, blah blah.

He said “I know. I know, but still…”

So then I apologized. Like… a lot. I felt REALLY really bad for making him uncomfortable. Ugh.

He said “don’t be sorry, it was nice haha but we just shouldn’t do it again.” He insisted it was okay and that I don’t have to feel bad, that it was his fault (even though it was obviously mine — what was he supposed to do, throw me off of him?).

Then I started to say basically “It’s fine, but even if it wasn’t, you don’t have to worry, because if I needed to, I’d take care of it, I’m 100% not changing my life for anything right now. I’m sorry” etc. etc…

And cut me off and said “I don’t want to talk about that.” Which REALLY threw me. I couldn’t tell if he didn’t want to talk about it because it was a stressful topic in general, or because he doesn’t believe in abortion, or because it was awkward. I didn’t know what to do so I just let him change the subject, but I’m still confused and I still feel so bad for making him uncomfortable.

I’m not sure if I should bring it up again, and get him to talk about it. I mean people who are sleeping together should be able to talk about all aspects of an adult sexual relationship. I thought he’d be able to at least have a hypothetical conversation about it, and it’s so strange that he couldn’t/wouldn’t.

I feel really weird about how he totally shut down and wouldn’t talk about it at all. And I just feel bad about the whole situation. I need some perspective and other people’s opinions on it, I guess.

7 thoughts on “Awkward Sex Thing

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [Well, since you already told him he didn’t have to worry, I think you’ve communicated what responsibility you’d expect of him should you ever get pregnant. If he has any concerns beyond that, then he can talk to you about it.

    I actually don’t find it strange that he doesn’t want to talk about it. You’re his sex buddy, not a girlfriend. And since you’re just sex buddies, I don’t see the need to bring this up again.

  2. KathrynFK says:

    [I wouldn’t worry about what happened. It’s commendable that he wants to be super careful, but if he isn’t confident that you taking the pill is precaution enough, he can responsible for pulling out/using condoms or whatever else he wants to do.

    Honestly, I don’t think wanting to avoid that conversation is weird or a big deal. It’s an unpleasant, touchy topic. If you’re really consistent about taking your pill, the chances that it will become an issue are super small. And if it did become an issue, what to do would be your decision not his. If it moves beyond being a just sex type relationship, I would think more deeply about what his avoidance of serious topics means, but for the casual kind of thing you described, it seems kind-of unnecessary.

  3. Jackie says:

    [I think what makes it so awkward is that both partners have chosen the kind of relationship where discussions about the future have no place. Not even what-if scenarios. This particular situation begs for those kinds of conversations to take place, if only to allay fears and calm anxiety surrounding those what-if’s. Nonetheless, discussing the future changes the context of the relationship. It sounds to me as if one person isn’t comfortable with that context change while the other feels the need for it, if only temporarily. I think the trick is to find a common ground on that context – both be ok with not talking about it, both be ok with talking about it (with or without boundaries set), or let the relationship end. I’ve been in this kind of situation a few times before, and each time the relationship ended shortly afterward. I feel it was largely because we were unable to change that context back to being quite as casual after having a few not so casual discussions.

  4. Bird says:

    [Love, you are not responsible for him, his feelings, his anxiety about pregnancy, his orgasms, or the consequences of his choices. HE is. If he doesn’t want to get pg, and doesn’t trust your b.c, he needs to wear one or not have sex. Only he can ensure his own comfort with the issues. And then he also won’t communicate? You are putting the burden on yourself for making him happy and tiptoeing around his lack of communication skills for normal adult responsibiliities. Not your job. He is a grown up, let him act like one. He is having sex but won’t talk about the issues involved…immature, but not your job to make it ok for him. Sex between adults involves adult behaviors (communication, planning). Also, not your job to control or emotionally pay for the situation. He came. He could have communicated prior, and yes, he could have “thrown you off”. You are taking more than your part (taking you b.c AND trying to mind read). What part is his? Can you let him do his part?
    Do you tend to take on more than your share of the responsibility in other areas of your life? (these are often patterns…)

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