I’m Pathetic

This is mostly venting. I’ve been talking to a guy for like two months ish? We haven’t hung out a lot (three times) due to busy/conflicting schedules, but we’ve talked a ton. We would text pretty much all day every day, up until this week.

We spent time together this past Friday, and though I thought we had a good time obviously it’s possible I’m missing something. He’d been distant/flaky all weekend and most of this week, and the past two days has been completely silent. I keep making excuses for him in my head, “oh he’s busy with midterms” etc. and it’s bullshit.

Before anyone asks “Well do you reach out to him first or always leave it up to him to make contact?” I generally let the dude do the reaching out, but this week I’ve texted him first a few times, and he’d engage but then disappear. Three conversations like that and I’m not about to try again and embarrass myself.

Now, I’m no idiot. I assume he doesn’t like me anymore and of course I can’t change that. My problem is I just feel like I need to know WHY. I need to know what happened. Did I do something he didn’t like? Or was he just not feeling it? Either way, I want to know. I want to know so I can delete his number, move on, and not give him any more time/thought than he deserves.

I think it’s absolute bullshit that pretty much no matter what I text him at this point, I’ll come off looking crazy. I’m so not one to demand to be treated a certain way, but if I say nothing, he gets off scot-free. He doesn’t have to man up and tell me he’s not into it, and I sit around for days wondering wtf I could possibly have done wrong.

I think I HAVE to text him something. I have to know what happened. But what do I say?

14 thoughts on “I’m Pathetic

  1. Lynnda says:

    [My advice is to just delete his number. Don’t text him anymore. If he actually does want to spend time with you he will be back in touch but just leave it be.. At the end of the day – does it really matter why he isn’t texting/calling anymore? If you were just being you and he took offense to something and can’t ask/clarify whatever it was and chooses to just go silent then who needs that uncommunicative shit? If he wants to talk – let him pursue you and explain the radio silence then.

  2. Dennis Hong says:

    [Well, let me ask you this. You say that you don’t him to get off “scot-free.” So, what would you imagine him getting off… uh, “scotful” would entail?

    1. Do you give him a piece of your mind, and he walks away feeling guilty and remorseful for blowing you off?

    2. Do you give him a piece of your mind, and he walks away feeling like you’re crazy and he dodged a bullet by blowing you off?

    Which of the two do you think is more likely to happen? You even said so yourself.

    I feel like you’re expecting that he should behave according to some standard that you’ve set, and if he doesn’t, then he needs to know about it. But keep in mind, in today’s dating world, when you lose interest in someone you’ve known for two months and hung out with three times, you owe them nothing. It’s sad, but it really has become the norm. And we all have to learn to live with it.

    Sure, you can say that all you want is some closure, but life doesn’t always give you closure. To be blunt, I think you’ll be a lot happier if you learn to live with “openness,” rather than chase every closure you think you need.

    No, you don’t HAVE to text him something. Just move on. A two-month barely-relationship isn’t worth getting hung up like this over.

    • Lynnda says:

      [Yep I agree….. So what if he gets off “scot-free”… he is taking up way too much real estate in your head right now and the end result will only be that you come across as clingy and needy .. Just let it go.. There was no contract in place.. he isn’t getting away with anything.. he is just walking away and you should too.

  3. C.Munro says:

    [Don’t beat yourself up. It sounds like you’re directing negative energy toward yourself here, when really his disinterest might not have much to do with you. I mean, unless you did something shitty to this guy, it’s perfectly possible that he’s dealing with issues of his own and just isn’t ready for a relationship. And I don’t think it would hurt you any to choose to believe that it’s not you; it’s him. He missed an opportunity. Too bad for him. You’ll have more opportunities to meet someone better suited to you, so don’t sweat it.

  4. Anna says:

    [Let it goÖ.the more you text him the more miserable you will feel. You will feel like you are going crazy and not valued.

    You donít need to know the WHY , because at times there is no good reason for a why. Do yourself a favor and delete his number (donít write it anywhere else) and stop contacting the guy.

    If he really cares and wants to be around you he will reach out to you. He will have your number even though you will have deleted it.

    So walk away with your sanity and dignity.

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Don’t text him. Plain. Simple. Easy.

    Don’t make excuses for him and why he’s gone off radar. There isn’t anything you can change. If you were you, and he’s decided that’s not for him; again there isn’t anything you can change.

    Sure you may have been in communication for a while, but you only met 3 times. How involved could you be, or expect him to be?

    As it’s been said, these days it’s sort of the “norm” that if you haven’t really establish the terms of your relationship (if you can call it that) you can just disappear without a word or explanation. Heck, I know people who were in committed relationships and their significant other just dropped off the face of the planet.

    Don’t text him anymore. If you don’t hear anything back from him…forget him. Leave the next bit of communication to him. If he eventually responds, then it’s up to you how you want to handle it.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [I think this is the bluntest you’ve ever been, Matt.

      I like it! ūüôā

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [Kind of puts a different spin on ‘kill with kindness’ because let’s face it…my worst blunt still typically comes with a candy-coated shell.

  6. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Well, I’m sorry this guy has ghosted you, but he has & you’ll be much better off if you let it go and focus your energy elsewhere. There is nothing he could tell you that is going to make you feel better. And, even if he offered you any closure or reason why he isn’t interested, it would likely not be the real truth anyway. Do you really need to hear there wasn’t a connection, he’s dating someone else, or worse, that he isn’t attracted to you or there is something about your personality that’s off-putting?

    Since you’re talking about midterms, I’m assuming you’re pretty young, so perhaps you’re not used to this sort of behavior. I hate to tell you this – but this happens pretty regularly in the dating world (especially in the online dating world). The sooner you stop attaching so much meaning to it & letting people go gracefully out of your life, the better you’ll be. For whatever reason, he’s not into it, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less beautiful or charming or funny. Just remember that.

    Also – I’ve always found that when these things happen, having my own personal goals always helps lessen the sting – whether it’s taking up kickboxing, running a marathon, taking a public speaking class or whatever your interests are. When you’re focused on making yourself a better person, you’ll gain more confidence and respect for yourself. It makes it much easier to remember that you’re such a catch & it really was his loss. Dancing & flirting the night away helps too.

  7. KathrynFK says:

    [This is less advice and more general commentary, but I think it’s crazy that some one can’t be be out of touch for two days without it being a big deal. I’m not saying he is or isn’t still interested but maybe he’s genuinely busy and has other priorities right now. As other people have said, you should probably make other priorities too. Not just in order to not seem needy but for your own sanity and fulfillment.

    Also, Maybe it’s just because I’m in my 30s but to me texting isn’t really a form of ‘conversation’ as you put it. At best it’s a quick way to make plans or check in. If you want to know where you stand with someone, you need to actually talk to them.

  8. EricaSwagger says:

    [Thank you all for the advice. I appreciate that not everyone was ridiculously harsh; that you hopefully could tell I’m not a total idiot who needed to be talked down to. Not everyone with dating issues is a moron, sometimes smart people get it twisted, too. And of course I already knew what people would say, but reading it another person’s words somehow makes your own advice easier to take.

    I do have to add though, that we are 26 and 29. Grad school has midterms too, and people go back to school at all ages.

    • Matt Sanchelli says:

      [Couldn’t agree more, we all have our “moments” and while we know what we should do, it often becomes easier to understand (and do) when we see/hear it from other people.

      Kudos to taking the initiative to reach out. That’s sort of what we’re here for.


  9. nightowl says:

    [Hi. First of all you are not pathetic. Delete this unhelpful defeatist statement from your thoughts immediately. And you are not crazy either! Although you probably feel extremely crazy right now because thinking about wtf happened with this guy has taken over your life.
    I totally hear you, and you know what? It really does suck shit. Sometimes for whatever reason, people do not give us what we want in life. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes you want people to act a certain way because that’s what YOU would do. In this case you want him to explain wtf happened because there’s no way you would treat someone this way . If you connect with someone on whatever level and then all of a sudden for no reason at all they start to back off, it makes you wonder all sorts of things: how could I have got this person so wrong, why isnít he contacting me, did I do somethingÖ. What you have got to remember is that you can’t control the way other people behave. They are not you – they don’t have the same values, opinions, morals, life experience – because everyone is different. For whatever reason Ė and itís his issue not yours Ė this is how he is choosing to act. Some people find it easy to express how they are feeling, for others it’s really difficult. There are a million reasons why he has backed off and not explained it to you – he could be an inconsiderate shit or he could be a sensitive person going through a tough time and he canít express it. Whatever it is you have to let go of YOUR NEED to find out. I know itís incredibly frustrating but you need to accept that you canít control his behaviour Ė the only thing you can control is your reaction to it. You canít MAKE him tell you, and you will come across as crazy and obsessed if you keep chasing him for answers. You could easily descend into crazy woman territory and no one wants to go there!! Also the more you push him to give you what you want, the more he will most likely pull away.
    Do something to draw a line for yourself so that you can move on. Write down how you are feeling, go out with your friends, go for a run, get drunk, rant and rave about it, whatever floats your boat. Then delete his number and let it go. I know itís hard and I feel for you. Good luck.

  10. FNW says:

    [Perhaps he’s busy having fun, while you’re busy looking at your phone…waiting for him to return text or call? Who knows. You may never know. But for whatever reason, he’s pulled away. He lost interest. Maybe he learned all he needed to know via text or email or phone calls, and having spent time with you in real life, his feelings were confirmed that he really isn’t interested in you. Either way, he’s not interested. But the good news is, you’ve only spent two months of your life on him!

    Personally, if I spend a lot of time talking, texting, etc., there would be no incentive to actually get together with that person. Maybe with the next guy, try limiting your emails, texts, phone calls…I would say respond to a text or email once every 24 hours. Cut phone calls short to 10 minutes. If a man wants to know about you, then he will make time to SEE you in person. It’s easy for someone to throw out a text. Don’t be easy.

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