How much intimacy is normal?

I’m worried that my boyfriend and I are not intimate enough. We started dating about 6 months ago, but we were slow to be intimate initially. While I love him very much and am very attracted to him, I feel like I can’t quite get my grove, sexually, with him. In a million ways, he’s the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and I want to marry him, but I worry that maybe our lack of regular intimacy means he’s not really attracted to me. With previous boyfriends, sex was often (at least once a day initially) and didn’t slow down to once a week until at least two years. With my new bf, we can be intimate 3x in one day, but rarely during the week. Is this normal? We are both in our early 30s. It’s really bothering me as I feel like he’s not attracted to me.

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7 thoughts on “How much intimacy is normal?

  1. FNW says:

    [Three times in one day does not sound slow. Are you saying 3 times on weekends, but not at all during the week?

    At any rate, no matter the frequency or duration, if you do not feel you are in sync, you can either talk to HIM about it, see if you can get in sync, or find someone else who meets your needs.

  2. EricaSwagger says:

    [I wouldn’t worry about what is “normal” or not. I’d focus more on your relationship, not the sex. I mean if you’re just doing it on the weekends but are doing it 3 times in one day, that’s still technically 3 times a week which i’d say is pretty average. Is the sex itself good? I get that you’re not clicking as far as WHEN to have sex but are you in tune with each other when you DO have it? If yes, I wouldn’t worry about it. But if not, you may just need to work on it or you may just simply not be compatible.

    Maybe you guys are in a routine you just need to try to break out of? Do you ever try to initiate sex or do you always leave it up to him? Have you tried asking him WHY he doesn’t want to have sex during the week? Maybe work is so stressful he can’t think about sex during the week? You’ll have an easier time figuring it out if you just talk to him about it.

    And I know what you’re saying about that initial “sex every day” early phase of a relationship. But do you know when I used to do that? In college. When my new boyfriend and I had no responsibilities to speak of. We could see each other every day and we were young and had no jobs, etc.
    Life is different now! The guy I’m seeing has a life and THINGS to do; we both do. We don’t live within walking distance from each other. We can’t have sleepovers and just wake up at 11 and walk to class without showering. We’re older and things are different.

    I think you might be worrying about this unnecessarily. You may just need to adjust to this more “adult” relationship where things aren’t always so carefree and simple. But if you really can’t see yourself getting used to the way things are now, you need to talk to him and be prepared to move on if he can’t/won’t meet your needs.

  3. Dennis Hong says:

    [I’m not sure that there is a “normal” when it comes to sex. I mean, it’s not like you *never* have sex at all. I think that as long as you both care about each other and want to be together, what you’ve described sounds perfectly okay to me.

  4. Solstice says:

    [Do you see each other during the week and never have sex? Do one or both of you have stressful jobs or work late hours? It’s possible that one or both of you are too tired/stressed during the week to have sex. If you’re doing it 3x a day on the weekends, then I wouldn’t worry about it in terms of your compatibility. But if you would like to do it more regularly during the week, then perhaps discuss it with him and see if you can figure out a solution (morning sex if you are both too tired after work, etc.)

  5. Matt Sanchelli says:

    [Ultimately I’m going to mirror what has been said above…talk to your boyfriend; particularly if you’re concerned that he may not be attracted to you.

    There is no normal when it comes to the frequency of which you and he decide to be intimate. Frequency of sex varies for every person, and every couple. There’s no standard. What works for you may not work for someone else.

    If the two of you love each other, want to be together, and are happy with your relationship (all things sex, and not sex) then why let it interfere.

    • Annie says:

      [Twice you state in this thread that what’s really bothering you is if this guy is sufficiently attracted to you because a) it took you a while to get physically intimate at the begininng and b) the sex isn’t as often as you’ve had previously in the early relationship phase.

      It doesn’t sound like you are unhappy with the sex life but you do emphasise that what is bothering you is ‘It’s really bothering me as I feel like he’s not attracted to me. ‘

      Some people have higher libidos than others and he might think you are the most amazingly attractive vixon he’s ever laid he’s eyes on, but he just be content with the amount of sex you guys are having.

      Does he make you feel attractive in other ways? Does he tells you, you look nice or he thinks you are beautiful? Maybe there are some other ways he can give you reassurance.

  6. nightowl says:

    [OK, I agree with what some of the other posters have said – talk to him! This is definitely your first step, and the sooner the better. When you do bring it up, make sure you let him know how it makes you feel – that you feel that he isn’t attracted to you. You sound like you click with this guy in every other way, so it makes sense to put in the effort and make your relationship work on every level.
    As other people have mentioned there is no normal amount of sex. Everyone is different. Every couple is different. I do understand that you are worried because essentially you are in the ‘honeymoon period’ of a new relationship, and this is usually when we can’t get enough of each other. I have to be honest, I would be a little concerned too. But it’s only concerning because it’s a mystery until you talk to him about it. There are so many reasons why people don’t feel like sex sometimes!
    What really grabbed my attention is that you said that you can’t quite get your groove sexually with him. What does this mean? Although the lack of regular sex bothers you – is the sex great when you do have it? If it isn’t – why? Do you let him know? I’m not saying great sex is the be all and end all, but I think it is important that you connect with your partner physically, in a way that is satisfying for both of you.
    Talk to him!!

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