Hi all,
I’m new to lemonvibe; a friend recommended it to me. I have an issue with a guy – Jake – I have been friends with since meeting him at university five years ago.
We both studied the same course, and I remember seeing him the first day in class and wondering what his deal was. He was VERY different back then; an incredible, amazing poet but at the same time a quiet, European, slightly-overweight guy in his mid-twenties who kept to himself entirely.
We didn’t become actual “friends” until at least six months after, when the two of us and another friend – Harry – all signed on to write a script and have it performed at a university-funded theatre production. When we were all there together, one of our teachers recommended we work together on the project – and bingo, that’s where it all started. We began to hang out after class, on weekends, and slowly but surely we bonded and started to spend a lot of time together, going out as actual friends who enjoyed eachother’s company, not just as co-workers on a project.
It was always the three of us; although he and Harry could hang out, or Harry and I could, Jake and I would never hang out just the two of us. I felt like he found it very awkward and for some reason, he seemed tense about letting me in to his life. I wanted to get to know him, there was no pretense, it was all just for the sake of a friendship. He was intelligent, interesting, mysterious and thoughtful about many things. But he would seem so switch off when the two of us were alone; always retreating into the back of his mind and not revealing anything to me. Tiniest bit by bit he began to open up to me, but it took a hell of a long time to get ANYTHING out of him. Eventually i learned and realised that he wasn’t used to having a close female friend and he didn’t actually know what the protocol was. He didn’t know how to be my friend.

Like i said, eventually we all became quite close, and even to today, Adam still opens up with me more and more, the closer we get. But here’s where the issues start. I fell for him after a year of knowing him; I think it was his mysteriousness combined with his ability to come across as confident and charming in his introversion. He was okay with keeping to himself, he was clever and knew how to extract information from people. I found that all endearing and fascinating. At first i was too ashamed to say anything and because I could never read him, i wasn’t sure if he felt the same. But hearing the whisperings of my friends and noticing little things, I thought he might. Harry had one specific friend who tried to hit on me and even asked Jake if we were a couple, because we “seemed” like it. A lot of people told me we seemed that way. When Jake told him we weren’t, he told him he was going to ask me out. When Jake heard this, he immediately shut him down and told him not to because “she’s not interested.”
He never consulted me, never even told me this. I found out from Harry’s girlfriend at the time, who overheard the conversation, and months later i approached Harry’s friend about it, who also confirmed it to me.
I was quite annoyed at that, because Jake didn’t know how i felt about this guy at all. So why did he say that? This continued for months, when we went out clubbing Jake would be overprotective, would grab my arm pull me away from guys, would ask me a lot of i was interested in anyone and would deter guys from me without me even realising.
At first i was chuffed with this because I thought it must mean he felt the same. Then one day i told him how i felt and it was the worst day of my life. Jake, in all his awkwardness, looked at me with such sympathy and told me i was just his “friend” and he didn’t feel that way about me “at the moment.” He said all this nonsense of “you’re too good for me,” and “you’re marriage material; you’re that amazing,” and “i don’t want you to ever have to deal with my baggage. You’re too good for me.”
I knew it was just sweetening the fact that he didn’t want me, but i bought it anyway and let him off the hook. He was insistent that we remained friends, not just to me but all my other guy friends told me that Jake had actually told them that he really hoped I didn’t break off the friendship with him; that he really wanted me in his life, that he cared for me so much, etc.

Switch to the now. Adam and I have carried out this friendship for over four years. A lot of things have happened, nothing physical, but I found out he is bi. That was messy, he screamed at me and I told him to fuck off and we didn’t speak for weeks. I found out via a certain iphone app that we won’t go into.
Eventually he messaged me and pleaded with me to talk to him again, so I did and we talked it out. He insists it was a phase and he wants to be with women. Whatever. Either way, that happened but we grew even closer after that because it was like a cracked one of his biggest-kept secrets. We had a couple more fights after this, one which surrounded a friend of mine that I found out he liked. I acted like i was furious he’d hid it from me and lied to me, but in all honesty, i was jealous. I told him i was done being friends with him, to which we didn’t speak for again a number of weeks before we reconciled eventually and went back to the way things were. He never asked her out and to this day I tease him about it; they email eachother but she’s very innocent and although he now denies she was just a “passing interest,” he still emails her but won’t ask her out. I don’t know what that means, but it’s not my business I guess. I know for a fact that it’s just friendly emails because my friend told me and she’s far too innocent to lie about that stuff. She doesn’t know that i liked him, by the way. Never.

Anyway, my main question i need help with is what to do with him. I know i still like him, and sometimes I think i’m holding out for him. I recently moved overseas to work for a couple of years, in some way to get away from him and my old life to create something new for a while. When i told him i was leaving he was very sad, he told me consistently how much he’d miss me and how he didn’t know what he’d do without me. Even since ive moved, he sends me emails and messages a lot; despite me somewhat hoping this would be my chance to move on. I love him, but it’s painful because I don’t know if he’ll ever change his mind about me. I feel like our friendship is just a toxic bomb waiting to happen. He still asks me a lot about my love life and goes into his macho protectiveness when a guy is mentioned. I haven’t dated anyone seriously since we’ve been friends and he knows it. He hasn’t dated anyone either, and even when girls do come into the picture for him, he always gives up on them very quickly. I’m the only girl he seems to want to stick around.
Even before we left, he would constantly tell me how much he cares for me, how important I am to him, how he’d be nothing without me, how much i’ve helped him, how i’ve changed him for the better, how he always brings me up to his friends when they need advice (and 2 of his best friends added me on fb one day for no reason), how he needs me in his life, how he’d come “banging down the door” if i ever tried to end the friendship with him because “i can’t ever lose you,” and how i’m such an important figure in his life.
His cousins have recognised me in shops when I haven’t even met them and i’ve met his step mum and his dad who asked me once “are you dating our son?” When i said no, their answer was, “why not?”
His aunt (who i used to work with before i moved overseas) always asked me why we’re not dating and how often i see him, to which i get awkward because I have no answer for her.
Recently i went back home for holidays and he was the first to message me and plead with me to see him, so i did. He was like “thank you so much for making the time to see me,” and smiled and laughed the whole time during dinner and I’d never seen him look so happy. We talked for five hours straight (which is not an unusual thing for us), which i have never done with anyone, not even with my own parents or my best friend. It’s strange how i think that 2 years ago he would NEVER have pleaded me to go to dinner with him alone; it would have been too awkward for him and he would have not gone without Harry there too. Now we spent lots of time together alone, as Harry is engaged and lives an hour away with his fiance.

He also calls me by my last name, which he started doing one day when I told him i was briefly dating this new guy. He never stopped since then and I hate it.
What’s the deal?
Men do hit on me; i’ve been told i’m a pretty girl. He tells me that himself sometimes but never acts on anything. He never touches me except to hug me when he sees me. He sometimes blushes and still gets awkward around me, which i don’t understand. He’s recently lost a lot of weight, started working out and become extremely handsome and confident, which he credits to me “helping and changing” him. He gets hit on a lot more than he used to. He won’t date anyone else, keeps me closer than any of his other friends and takes me out and pays for my meals, but still treats me like a friend.
Recently, out of nowhere he asked me if i would come back home one day. He was like, “tell me you will.” I said i will, but i’m not ready yet. He just smiled and said nothing.

I love him but I don’t deserve to wait around forever. I want to get married one day to a man who chooses me first, and Jake didn’t. So am I deserving of something better? And should i end this friendship and move the hell on from this does-he-does-he-not-tango?

I guess my main question is this: five years later, why does he still want me around? Is he using me? Will i end up alone and heartbroken at the end?

Please, men. I know this is long and im sorry, but i need the kind of honest advice you’d give your sister on this matter. Thank you so much!

Sara.