2 years in relationship and still confused

I have met my girl friend two years ago through a friend and at the time I met her she had a break up with her ex. she was upset and complaining to my friend about it. Seems she wasn’t stable and drank a lot to overcome the situation. I met her for two consecutive days at my friend’s and the last day she asked for my number and told me that she likes me. We started speaking on the phone and she mentioned that she loved her ex but he broke up with her many times and she will not give him the chance to do this again. I was attracted to her and liked the idea of speaking to her. it didnt take us long at all we started going out and we had fun. Then out of nothing on our second or third date she asked to kiss me, at first I didnt want to give attention to that ( I said to myself she is not emotionally stable right now and we used to drink so she might be a little drunk) but the next time she kept insisting. She left me with no choice but to do what she was asking for. We both had this thing grow between us and we spent some really good time. To be honest I was enjoying the fact we are having fun and no strings attached thing especially I am a person who somehow fears comittment and I am very moody. Days go by and then she starts complaining that she is not happy that all this is happening and she has no definition to our situation. I didnt want to end this up so I asked her to be my girl. Things went good for quite a while then she started complaining about my ways of treating her ( i didnt give much attention..etc) and that I didnt want this for the beginning and that she forced me. I broke up with her. After a couple of months I thought I was mistaken and I shouldn’t have let her go and I asked her to make up things and she didnt mind and since then we always had the same problems going on and off (whenever I let her go, I feel I want her back). My problem is i am confused sometimes I keep thinking maybe I shouldn’t have gone that far from the beginning and I am not sure if she is the right person for me or the person to marry. And sometimes I think the oppossite. I feel she loves me and she is trying to be understanding, especially lately I have all this confusion going on my mind and of course she noticed something like that through my flat way of treating her. We even spoke about it but every time I keep finding excuses. I am not sure I want to leave her and I am not sure I want to stay either. She keeps accusing me that i dont love her and i keep defending that but to be honest i dont know. Iam confused to that degree. Finally, she asked me to make up my mind about what I want to do and she will accept whatever I choose. I don’t want to hurt her and not sure why I have all these mixed feelings. Do I not love her and she is not the one? Or is it the fears inside me speaking?

10 thoughts on “2 years in relationship and still confused

  1. Dennis Hong says:

    [If you’re still “confused” after two years together, I think that’s your answer right there.

    It sounds to me like you’ve been letting her “call the shots” in the relationship up to this point because 1) she wants you, but 2) you’re ambivalent, so 3) you just go along with what she wants. I think it might be time you stand up for yourself and acknowledge how you actually feel — or don’t feel — about her.

    Either way, just because you’re comfortable with someone and would miss them when they’re gone is NOT a valid reason to stay in a relationship.

  2. Missy says:

    [i agree with dennis. it sounds like you were never really excited about being in a relationship with her, and you just went along with it to keep her satisfied.

    also, it sounds like you two are starting to repeat the pattern that she and her ex repeated with breaking up, then getting back together, then breaking up, and so forth. i’m not sure what the relevance is, but think it’s worth pointing out.

    it’s normal to miss someone when you break up. people tend to reflect on all of the good things about the other person and ignore all of the characteristics that led to the break up, but like dennis said, missing someone is not a good reason to remain in a relationship.

  3. MargieCharles says:

    [“She left me with no choice but to do what she was asking for.”

    This kind of seems like a theme in your description. “I didn’t want to kiss her, but I had no choice so I kissed her. I didn’t want a relationship, but I had no choice so I got serious with her. I don’t want to tell her that I love her, but I don’t really have a choice so I tell her that I do.” You keep talking about these instances where you wanted one thing, she wanted another, but you act like you had no choice in the matter and just went with what she wanted. I don’t really see a mention of you talking to her about your ambivalence or lack of interest in her. And it seems like, when she notices and gets upset about this ambivalence, you lie to her and tell her that you love her.

    You need to be honest with her. You should have been honest with her from the beginning. When she asked for a definition for your relationship, the correct response would have been something along the lines of, “I like this non-serious, no-strings-attached thing we have going. I don’t want a relationship.” You don’t need to be brutally honest with her now and tell her that you’ve never loved her, but you should stop brushing aside her worries and complaints when they are valid.

    Basically, start being honest with her, tell her the truth, and realize that you DID have a choice in all of those decisions, and you went with the ones that seemed easiest in the short term.

  4. Anna says:

    [Sounds like you are not taking responsibility for the fact that you decided to, and consciously made a choice to be in a relationship with her. And because of that lack of ownership of your actions it has been easy for you to let her dictate(or even kind of blame her)about where the relationship is going. Every action has consequences, like others have said before missing someone or feeling alone with someone is gone is not a good reason to stay in a relationship. (Sorry if I come across as being too blunt)

    You might eventually have to weight out what keeps you both in this relationship. I think both of you deserve someone who is a 100% into them, and loves them for regardless of who they are. Looks like you will have to make your own choice about what you want to do.

    No one but you can decide whether you love someone or not. And choosing to love someone includes sticking by the decision that you make. You cant opt out of the consequences of your choices either good or bad.

  5. kerplunkLYN says:

    [Oh my goodness! Are you my ex-boyfriend? Seriously. Sounds like the same sort of story. He never really saw me as a long term partner, but enjoyed my company enough to keep me around. We broke up & got back together, far too many times. It’s heart-breaking to love someone who sees you as kind of a convenience for now, but not someone to really include in their future. Do you spend time with her friends or her family? I’m guessing you do not. In any regard, my advice is to let her go and cut off all communication for both your sakes. If she’s anything like me, she knows she can weasel her way back & she’ll want to – but you have to be strong and say no. It’s the right thing to do for both of you. Once my ex finally did that for me, I was able to move on for him and meet a man who is infinitely more suited to me and makes me much happier than he ever did.

    Also, out of curiosity, what is your ethnic or religious background?

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [You know, I’m kind of curious, but I notice you say, “Once my ex finally did that for me….”

      Does that mean that if he hadn’t decided to be firm, you would have kept pushing the relationship and maybe even still be with him right now? Or do you think that, at some point, you would have gotten sick of his ambivalence and finally decided to move on?

      I guess I’m just wondering, in situations like this, what type of impetus is needed for the person being jerked around to say, “enough is enough”? After all, it’s easy to be a non-involved third party and say, “dude, just move on already.” But, when you’re the one feeling the feelings, that’s not an easy call to make.

    • kerplunkLYN says:

      [I think in my situation, we both knew it wasn’t going to work out long term, but we had differing views of why that was true. At the same time, we had a very strong connection. For me, I always had this romantic idea of “love conquering all” and he was more practical to see that that wasn’t so, in our particular situation. So, I would’ve fought to the death, if he let me. In the end, I think I credit him with officially pulling the plug on our relationship – even if at the time, it wasn’t romantic. Having him in my life, at all, really was preventing me from fully moving on. In fact, it took about a year for me to feel really ready to move on (we broke up a year earlier but were still in each other’s lives – as exes, then as lovers, then as friends, and then as nothing). I even had somewhat of a purging ceremony to get in the right head space to be on my own. And once I got to that place, I just met someone amazing. Funny how that happens, right?

      In any regard, the process of breaking up and moving on is difficult. And I’ve heard that unrequited love can be even harder.

    • Dennis Hong says:

      [Yeah, it’s funny how you can totally meet someone when your heart is actually open to it…. 🙂

  6. Joyce says:

    [I’m sorry, I’m confused as to why you are confused. It’s obvious you are using your “confusion” as an excuse when you want to get out of the relationship.

    It’s not healthy for either of you to remain in this relationship. Further, after two years, you should know how you feel regardless of whether she wants you back or not. Cut it out and cut it off!

  7. Kendra says:

    [I’m thinking this relationship is a dead end. She clearly wants more than you have to give her. Two years is a very long time to spend in a relationship without knowing what you want from it. If you’re this on the fence even now, this is not a lifelong relationship, which certainly seems to be what she’s interested in. I’d let her go and be strong about ending communication. You both deserve to be with people you’re very happy with, and who want you back.

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