Moral Issue

Okay. Shortest I can make the story is this:

I had been dating a guy for about 4 years; we broke up this August. Since the beginning of the relationship we have been about 2.5 hours apart and saw each other 2-3 times a month.

Basically the entire time since we graduated college, we were trying to figure out how we could live/work in the same place. I have had a steady job since graduation, and he has been all over. He finally decided to go back to school to give himself more job options.

I decided I didn’t want to deal with the distance and the traveling and the pressure we put on ourselves to see each other even though we were both super busy, etc. So we ended things in a day-long conversation with the expectation that after grad school, he would get a job here and we’d pick things back up.

We insisted the “break up” was not necessarily about seeing other people, but more about living our lives, spending time with friends we had been neglecting, and that we would still keep in touch and visit as much as possible. We have seen each other about once a month since then.

Okay so here’s the issue… I’ve started dating a little bit. I went out a few times with a friend of a friend, which could pick back up at any time. I’m also kind of seeing another guy (still new but going well so far) and my question is this: Do I need to disclose this to my ex boyfriend?

I mean, I say “ex boyfriend” but the reality of the situation is that we are still sleeping together even if it is only once a month, and our breakup was contingent upon staying together, staying in touch, and planning to get back together when he’s done with school.

I’ve always been a little iffy about the morals of the “do you tell the person your sleeping with about the other people you’re sleeping with” situation.

I feel as though I don’t need to say anything to the new guy(s), because we haven’t had any kind of exclusivity talk yet and I don’t think either of us is expecting anything yet.

But I do feel guilty hiding the info from the old guy.

Thoughts?

3 thoughts on “Moral Issue”

  1. Dennis Hong says:
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    Dennis Hong's avatar

    [Hmmm, this is kind of a tough question, because you put yourself in a tough spot. When you say that the breakup isn’t about seeing other people, but living your lives, honestly, I feel like you’re sort of contradicting yourself. To me, part of “living your life” is seeing other people.

    I’m doing the math in my head, and it seems like you’re both still fairly young, so this is likely your first serious relationship, yeah? If that’s the case, then this is what I’ve found about first relationships:

    1. They’re incredibly difficult to move on from, because this is the first time you’ve felt such a strong emotional attachment to someone.

    2. They’re often difficult to be fully satisfied with, because you don’t know what else is “out there.”

    I think this is the problem that you are dealing with right now. You don’t want to cut ties with him (point #1), but you’re not ready to commit to him 100% (point #2). And of course, this is complicated by the fact that you’re in a long-distance relationship, so you have plenty of temptation to see other people.

    I can’t tell if this is the spot that he’s in, as well, but either way, I think you have to talk about this. You can’t “break up,” then not really break up at all.

    Well… you can. But then, you end up with situations like this.

    So, my advice to you is not necessarily to reveal right away that you’ve been dating other guys (though I think that will need to come out at some point). My advice is to sit down and really talk about where you are in your lives, where you are in the other person’s life, and most importantly, what sorts of doubts you may be having about the relationship.

    And you have to be brutally honest with yourselves, too. I get the impression you’ve talked so much about having a future together that, at this point, you feel obligated, in a way, to continue thinking about that. Or, maybe you’ve convinced yourself that this is right, but deep down, you’re not feeling it. Well, don’t say to him what you think he wants to hear, or what you think is the “right thing.” Tell him how you really feel, even if what you’re really feeling is confusion and doubt. Because it certainly seems like that’s what you’re feeling right now.

    But hey, there’s nothing wrong with that.

What do you think?